Humor Journal

6 Reasons You Will Never Forget Your First Roommate (Like It Or Not)

Written by Kiley Shuler

For most, your freshman year roommate was the first individual that you ever shared a space with.  “Space” being used very loosely here. I’m saying take the surface area of the door that Rose’s bum hogged that bitter night in the Atlantic and add two beds, two broken desks, a mini fridge, futon, and the 19” TV that grandma splurged on for graduation. Inevitably, unintentionally, and most often undesirably, you uncover info about your freshman year roommate that the deepest chasms of that part in your brain that thinks up nightmares could never even generate. And then it binds you to them in a way that cannot be unbroken. No amount of alcohol will let you escape these beautiful memories. Nor would you want it to. Because your first roommate will always be your soulmate.

 

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1. You never forget your first….. woman that you cycle up with.

College is an emotional roller coaster. And the first semester of it was a living episode of Myth Busters. I’ve always been a strong, independent woman; I was heartbroken when I discovered that my period was not. I thought that the idea of “cycling up” was an old wisetale rooted in mythology, an illogical fallacy. I searched the message boards: “can you get pregnant without having sex” – “ABSOLUTELY YOU CAN.” The nightmare ended when the rooms brought home a box of tampons.  And I needed one.

TMI? Well fasten your seatbelts. Y’all are in for a bumpy ride.  

 

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2. They’ve seen you at your worst.

Remember that time you saw your gym crush making out with another girl at that party? You took the high road. You put down the adult beverage, withdrew yourself from the gathering, carried your shoes home and got ready for bed. You were so composed, mature, and reasonable as you stripped down in front of your roommate and her friend from Art History (pleased to meet you). Some said it would be impossible to undress yourself and eat cold leftover pizza all while uncontrollably sobbing into your roommate’s bath towel hanging on the back of the door.  You showed them.

 

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3. She cock-blocked you. But like in a good way.

Going from an A cup to a C over the summer break going into college was both an exciting and dangerous time. I never knew that boys found me attractive until I discovered the incogitable force that is the boobs. As a young lad naive to the world of dating and alcohol, sifting through the scumbags and horny losers that wanted me for my body and not for my soul was a mission that could not be tackled alone. Homegirl roomie to the rescue. Huzzah.
 
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4. She took care of you when you were drunk.

“Here drink this glass of water. Chug it. You should know how to do that.”

 

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5. She was the first person you saw after [insert happy moment].

Aced a test? Gym crush finally asked you for your number? It doesn’t matter. Your roommate was the first smiling face you got to see when you got home. Sure you can call your mom to sing to her your praises. But mom won’t look down the hall for the RA, lock the door, and give you a shot of McCormick’s to celebrate.

 

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6. She’s seen you ugly cry.

College can be a stressful time. Big life decisions (with a bigger chance that you actually have no idea what you’re doing with your life). Chemistry sucks and you got stuck with the department head as the professor of your Music Appreciation class which means he’s spent the semester trying to prove how refined and mosaic his lifestyle is. And when it all comes down on you at once, you having an ugly crying fit and there’s only one person that you can guarantee will be there for you.  The one that has no where else to go. Because you’re sobbing on her futon.

And after all of this… Does she judge you? Absolutely not. Because you can never unsee that night she… Never mind.   

About the author

Kiley Shuler

If you’re trying to discover who I am, it’s easiest to start with what inspires me. I have an odd personality that is equally inspired by inappropriate humor and Saturday Night Live to the deepest chasms of the Catholic church and a divine love for religion that transcends far beyond human comprehension; a love fueled by the Holy Spirit.

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