Journal Relationships

9 Helpful Rules For Fighting Fair

Fighting Fair www.herviewfromhome.com

One theme that is current in many couples sessions and family sessions is conflict. As a therapist, I have come to understand conflict and fighting as two different animals.

Fighting produces no resolution, opens new and old wounds and aims to inflict hurt.

Conflict is the opportunity for growth. A relationship with no conflict experiences little growth. In conflict, a level of respect is maintained between parties and a willingness to find a solution over power. Below are some helpful rules to fair fighting that produce healthy conflict.

1.  Identify the source of upset feelings.

Many superficial arguments happen due to deeper lying issues. Examine the real issues, when ignored resentment continues to grow.  

2.  Stay on topic.

Resolution results from a targeted conversation. Avoid temptation to pile on other frustrations, it only fuels the fire.

3.  Keep it clean.

Avoid name calling and harsh language. Aggressive and hostile language creates defensive behavior and shuts down the willingness for understanding.

4.  “I” Statements.

Avoid “you” statements that serve as a vehicle for character attacks. Instead use “I feel upset when….., I feel hurt when….”

5.  Take turns.

Put the score card down, allow one another to share their thoughts and feelings equally without interruption.

6.  No freezing out.

Refusal to participate in communication is game playing, not productive and ultimately exhausting.

7.  Check the volume

Keep voices calm and respectable.

8.  Take breaks

If you find yourself in a state of mind that does not allow you to adhere to the above rules, state that you need a break to cool down followed by when you will be ready to return to the discussion.

9.  Compromise and Understand

In many cases no one right answer exists, work as if you both are on the same team.  Allow yourself to approach the situation from the otherʼs view point.

About the author

Jordan Plummer Allen

Jordan Allen, a Grand Island native, earned her bachelor’s degree from Doane College and a master’s in Community Counseling from the University of Nebraska at Kearney. She has mental health therapy experience with community agencies, private practice and community volunteer projects. Jordan has been trained in Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and enjoys using her knowledge in this area to facilitate healing with her clients. Jordan finds joy in the process of connecting with those she works with as they work to set and achieve goals.

Jordan serves on the Grand Island Crisis Center, Inc. Board of Directors, is a member of the American Counseling Association, and a Leadership Tomorrow alumna. She was recently honored by the Grand Island Chamber of Commerce as a Top 35 Under 35. She resides in Grand Island with her husband and daughter. In her free time she enjoys spending time outdoors and traveling.