Before the Feeding:

1. Has it really been 3 hours already?

We just rendezvoused a few minutes ago for your last feeding, right? No way have three hours gone by. Is it because I am squinting my contact-less eyes that make it appear to say 3:00? Judging by your increasingly impatient wails of hunger, it has been three hours. 

2. Is it Daddy’s turn?

Ok, I accept that yes, three hours have passed, but I have one more fleeting moment of hope before forcing myself out of bed. It’s Daddy’s turn, I did the last feeding, right? Judging by his snoring, he isn’t moving. Let me count back and see what time the last feeding was. Shoot, he did do the last one, it is my turn. Plus, judging by his sawing logs, it was going to be “my turn” anyway.

3. Does the bottle really need to be warm?

Alright, I am out of bed. Let’s see how fast you can eat so we can both go back to sleep. Can we skip the warming process? I don’t understand how that three minutes and thirty seconds on the bottle warmer can feel like an eternity, but the three hours between feedings feels like two seconds. 

During the Feeding:

4. Is it too risky to put the TV on?

Alright, the bottle’s warm let’s do this! But baby girl, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Would you mind if I turn on the tube? If I do is the bright light going to wake you up more? Alright, I’ll leave it off and hope that I can somehow wake up and you can somehow get drowsier. Oh God, imagine I dropped you while feeding you? Ok, I’ll pinch myself repeatedly instead.

5. Ugh, is that the dog I hear?

Oh no, don’t tell me that the dog is awake too now. Is he going to want to eat also? If I fill his dish a little, is the sound of the kibble hitting the bowl going to wake you further? Does he want to go outside now? But it’s so cold, do I really have to open the door? Ugh, now he’s shaking those ears of his! I see your bright blue eyes burst open as the tags jingle on his collar. Alright, it seems like he’s laying back down. Another bullet dodged.

6. Can I have a snack too?

Now that you’re eating and I gave the dog a little something, I feel kind of hungry. Can I have a snack? Maybe a cookie? Or that leftover pizza from last night? Will it disturb your meal too much if I have a nibble? Ok, you are almost done, I can wait for morning. Let’s get a quick burp and then back to bed for you little missy. 

After the Feeding:

7. Where are all the creaky spots in our house?

Time to tip toe over to the bassinette. Alright, I am going to step on my right foot from the couch, not my left because the floor definitely creaks by my left foot there alongside the couch. Now I have to pretty much play hopscotch to avoid a spot that will creak. Almost there, almost there, ugh the dog is shaking his head again! And now I lost my place and hit a creak. I’m afraid to look, are your eyes open? Slightly, ok a few rocks back and forth, stay sleepy baby, stay sleepy.

8. How can I get my arm out from under you?

Phew, you are asleep. I am hovering over the bassinette. Time to drop you in with the precision of a fighter jet. Limbo lower now, lower, lower, ok just about there. Now, I just need to slide my arm ever so slightly out from under you, I got this, I got this. Ok you are laying down. Now to just tiptoe back to bed without hitting any creaky spots. 

9. Can I fall back asleep?

Ok, you appear to be asleep, now can I fall back asleep? I am so tired, yet I feel awake. Well, these newborn middle of the night feedings won’t last for long, right? It is only a temporary phase where you will need to eat this often, right? That’s a relief. But then that means you are going to get bigger. And that makes me sad, I want to keep you cute and little. Don’t grow up too fast ok? I need to stop worrying about this now, I need to get some sleep before it’s feeding time again. Ok, fall asleep, stop thinking, fall asleep. Hey, at least the next feeding it’s Daddy’s turn, right?…