Humor Journal

April showers brings May SPI-DIE-DERS !

April showers brings May SPI-DIE-DERS ! www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Elle Patocka

I am fond of so many things in this human life form I was given and I seldom dislike anything. Many folks call me fearless even, however, there is one thing imp-articular I myself could live peach-ly without and fear: SPIDERS! I absofrickenlutely despise spiders, so much so that I have called them by my own name and you can use it as well: Spi-die-ders.

I am partial to the science behind spiders and how they keep so many things in our ecosystem running smoothly and once heard a fact that without them our world would have too many other bugs and it would cause issues agriculturally and what have ya, well, seal me off in a cement bunker then, science.

The truth is- I don’t know where this fear came from aside from my grandmothers fear of them. I watched ‘Arachnophobia’ as a child and couldn’t shower or put my hand under a lamp shade forever! I still recall the screech sound the big kahuna spidieder made jumping at Jeff Daniels character and I firmly believe every spidieder makes this sound as they jump, spin a web and or slowly come down to greet your face unsuspectingly.

My History with Spidieders

I recall hiding in our garden when I was younger and coming face to face with the huge garden spider that had slung its web in my path, like I literally ate this spidieder because it was that in my face. I vividly recall a spidieder that made its web in my shared bedroom with my sister when we were kids.  It hung from the ceiling to the clock and my mom used hairspray to kill the son of a gun. I missed a gym class in grade school because there was a spidieder right above the light switch on route to the door to freedom.  My screams for help were unheard, but alas my best friend came through the door and easily killed the thing. Then there was the time that I was lifted a bra in a pile of clothes and there were a million eyeballs staring at me and I threw those clothes away (oddly I always find these a**holes in/on my clothes). Or the time my sister and I had a battle with one that just wouldn’t die in our basement after pounds of liquid were tossed on it and it survived tons of broom smashings. My favorite was killing a spidieder at my brothers – those gross big grass ones. I even have a 3 minute video of me trying to get into my house and avoiding them dangling in my trees and front porch. And who could forget being pulled over by a police officer for erratic driving trying to avoid a jumping spidieder that hopped on me from my vents. Not to mention however many I have ate in my lifetime thus far because THAT’S A THING!

Here are some helpful tips I use:

*Spray bottle: water mixed with grapefruit or peppermint oil, I use Nature’s Bounty Earthly Elements© and spray my bed, closet and clothes.

*Outdoor Spray: I have found that Ortho Home Defense MAX© works the best and is on sale during the off season.

* Aqua Net© and a trusty broom:  what’s that old saying ‘’if ya can’t join em, beat em…then freeze them in place.’’

*Buddy system:  never go anywhere alone and become friends with people who are OK with killing spidieders for you.

I have considered a pest control company to come and spray but having pets and a fixed budget I will wait on this approach.


 

I will forever live by the motto that: the things you fear-you see the most, which is why I readily am able to point out a yellow sac spidieder in a ceiling crevice, or a lurker on a wall to anybody. Perhaps one day I will enjoy things with 8 legs- 2 dogs, 4 kids, 1 dog and 2 kids – but never a spidieder.

About the author

Elle Patocka

Elle Patocka is a Czech lady born and raised in South Omaha Nebraska. Her life has taken avenues unforeseen and some well planned in advance- and that has continued to make all the difference. She lives by the notion to be altruistic and live life because ‘’ you never know when your bus is coming.” Her view from home is seen from 5 feet 3 inches, mostly lying down in a hammock, browsing vinyl, skating, mosh-pitting and sweating with strangers at concerts.

Elle recently had two pieces of her writing selected to be published in her College magazine and website The Metropolitan- this has checked her bucket list off of becoming a published writer come true and she hopes to continue to write in any form possible.