Child Loss Grief

Broken

Broken www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Missy Hillmer

I can remember as a child seeing an old house with broken windows and wondering what happened. I’m sure when the house was new all the windows were shiny, clean, and perfect so that you could see in or out easily. Then as the years went on the house aged, or maybe a neighbor boy hit the window with a ball, a tree branch fell or some other accident happened. It may have been intentional or it may of just been life happening. But once the glass in the window is broken into a million pieces it can’t be put back together, not even with glue. However, if you are careful you can fix the hole with wood or another piece of glass. Sometimes it’s easy and works the first time, other times it takes numerous attempts.  Many times it takes patience to find the right person to repair the hole.

I relate those broken windows I remembered as a child to my life now. My life started as a new window shiny and bright. However, after my son, Tyler’s accident I have feelings that are so hard to explain.  I feel like my life was broken into a million pieces just like that window. I feel sadness, heartbreak, and a feeling of being unfocused.  I still have this numbness inside as if I don’t have any emotions of happiness or sadness, just numbness.

Some of the pieces are gone – like Tyler – and will not come back. Others, the edges are crushed, broken and are changed to where they will never fit together even with glue. Those are the days that I miss him so badly I don’t know what to do. It reminds me of the hole left after the glass is broken in the window.

I don’t have that broken feeling every day.  Some days are better than others and I know it is just part of the grieving process.  Through this I have learned to find the courage and faith to trust God that He will be the Carpenter that takes the right measurements, find the right materials and with time can fix the hole. The broken pain can be repaired even though there is still a hole.  I think of it this way. That window may have started with four openings but after the window was repaired with wood it only has two. Now you learn to adjust how you see things through those two openings and adapt.

Before I lost my son, I had no idea how people in my situation could feel. But now I have a different kind of compassion for others grieving no matter the situation. You might be feeling broken but not from a loss. Maybe it’s from a divorce, addiction, hard time, or a life situation that has changed you personally. You have to know that it’s OK to feel these things.  It’s a season in your life. Just know sometimes you need to find a person, professional or pastor that you can trust to help you. Those people will help walk you through those hard times. They will also be there to build you up, gather the pieces or measure for the material to close the hole and fix the broken window. Remember sometimes the process is fast and other times it’s slow, but know in time the broken window will be repaired.

About the author

Missy Hillmer

My name is Missy Hillmer. I’m married, live in a small town named Palmer, NE and have 3 children. Jake is our oldest who is 19 years old and Gracie is 11 who lives here with us. Tyler which was 15 years on August 20, 2013 is now in Heaven. He was killed in a car accident just 3 short days after his 15th birthday.

I am very honest, very real sometimes to the point of not being fun, I guess that’s because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I like to look at the positive in every situation. I really believe there are two ways to look at things. Look for the bad or the good. The “bad” does me no justice and can spiral out of control in a heartbeat. The “good” however gives me hope and it connects with my belief that God is with me through everything.

I believe my faith has gotten me through life and especially since my son’s accident. I pray a lot more, watch for the signs that God gives me, listen to my inner gut feeling, as my husband calls it and really focus on living a simple life. Family means everything to me, I love to laugh and think it’s the best medicine for any problem. Music soothes my sole and being outside in the sun brings me great joy!

I have learned that many times you cannot control the storm in your life but, you can learn to dance in the rain. I really mean it when I say DANCE in the RAIN! The summer before Tyler’s accident, Tyler, Gracie & I danced in the rain. This memory I will never forget!

Since Tyler’s accident I am passionate about telling my story with the hope that it will help or inspire at least one person.