Every day we are losing him again. Every day we are losing Jacob. A child lost; no a child stolen. Stolen by a monster. Who can this monster be? How can he be a human being? Yet according to the Bible all who seek God and Jesus as their savior and ask for forgiveness will be forgiven. Has he asked God to be forgiven? How can he be forgiven, this supposed human who stole a boy. A boy named Jacob, a name close to my own heart.

Jacob’s abduction happened on a rural road near his home in the same state my husband and I live in with our kids. It happened in a place we call home. A place we should feel safe. I can’t even fathom the horrific atrocities he may have gone through. His innocence blindsided while simply taking a bike ride. A bike ride is a normal kid thing to do, right?

How can a human abduct a child? Can this even be a human we are talking about? I cannot understand how he falls into the same category of human as the rest of us. He must be separate. A thing that is a monster; he can’t be human like us. He is too foreign.

My heart feels mashed to a bloody pulp when I think of how Jacob’s mother and father felt when they realized he had been taken. I can’t even let myself fully feel what it would be like. I guard my heart from such atrocities.

Jacob was doing it right. He wasn’t biking alone; he was with his brother and friend. But monsters don’t care if you are alone or if you do it right. They care about their selfish and freakish natures only. I can’t even believe they are human these demons who are pedofiles. My spell check doesn’t recognize that word, my computer is underlining it as a misspelled word. Even a machine thinks this word shouldn’t exist. I am embarrassed to even type to look up this word online to see if I spelled it right. It shouldn’t exist this sick word. It shouldn’t even be a word. It is beyond rotten filth.

As a mom and Christian I struggle with forgiveness the most when it deals with kidnappers and pedofiles. As a parent it is hardest to accept forgiveness with pedofiles than any other crime imaginable. I cringe to the very deepest part of me when I even type that word. Pedofile. A sickness strangles my soul when I even think this word. I dismiss it from my thoughts immediately. I can’t stand it staining my thoughts.

You, the man who took Jacob, you stole from all of us. You stole innocence. You stole joy from kids.

 You stole Jacob 27 years ago. You stole from his family. You stole from all of us.

You’ve made me fearful of putting my kids out in the world. As parents who snuggle, nurture, and love our children we all don’t deserve even an inkling of knowledge of the existence of monsters like you.

Shame on you. How dare you. Who do you think you are? Why does your disgusting abnormal desire have to taint our worlds?

Our children are lights of joy. The light of God shines truest and brightest in children who are untainted by the cruelties of our world. The atrocities that dwell in the minds of abusive abductors terrifies me as a parent.

I want to hold my children close while they yearn to ride away free on their bikes with friends. That youthful yearning to bite into the wind with your cheeks riding bikes out in the open air all grown up and trusted by mom and dad. You stole from us our carefree joy in letting our kids go off alone in their friendships and solidarity to bike about their hometowns. Now we may reluctantly let our tweens and teens go bike but we always fear way back in our minds that like you, a pedofile is lurking like a vile wretched demon waiting to steal them from us.

Always I am afraid when they leave to bike, and always I am relieved when they return. I teach my kids to be careful and steer clear of you vile cruel monsters; I can teach them to be on the lookout for signs of lurking monsters. Kids can follow rules set by parents and still be stolen by a monster. That petrifies me to my core. I weep as I think of kids swept up in a tornado of unrecoverable violence.

I ask myself how God will deal with you.

I do know I don’t envy you monsters when you meet God even if you repent and ask for forgiveness. Even if you seek God and Jesus as your savior, I still don’t envy the wrath and wicked punishment God will have for you even if you smarten up and repent. I know I’m not the judge here, God will be your judge.

I can’t imagine the toll such brutality has on your own soul. I can’t imagine the kind of anger God will have for you when and if you ever meet him. I know I’m not the judge so I can’t condemn you, but I know I couldn’t stand by you in heaven. Maybe that makes me a bad Christian. Maybe that is my sin. But I’d take that sin of mine over yours when facing God’s wrath. That I am sure of.

I’m not a pastor. I can’t gleam wisdom from the Bible like those who have studied it. But I’m a mom and I’m a Christian. I am blessed with strong faith. But I can honestly say I don’t know if I could forgive you if I faced you someday. I don’t know that I could sit by and let you walk into heaven knowing what you’ve done to children. I know I have no say in who enters heaven, but I wouldn’t want to even share a molecule of heaven with you. You disgust me. I could only forgive you with God’s help. I certainly couldn’t do it on my own.

I know my anger doesn’t help his parents or his family. My deep sorrow of his abduction and newly found remains doesn’t even dip into the vast realms of his family’s sorrow. But I hurt for him. I hurt for his family and friends. I hurt for the years his family went not knowing if he was alive or dead. I imagine that kind of sorrow is like no sorrow I have ever felt. I imagine the loss of a child is like losing the best part of yourself.

I live in Minnesota. The state where you the monster stole Jacob. Authorities have found Jacob’s remains. I live in the state where the porchlights are on in honor of Jacob today as I write this. 15,875 porchlights and counting are on as a Facebook event brought about by a police officer. Join me in honoring Jacob and his undeserved loss of young life in turning on your porchlights today September 5^th until 7 pm.

I am sorry Wetterlings. I am sorry for your loss. I can say prayers for you and your Jacob. I know it isn’t much but my porchlight is on too in honor of Jacob and you.

Rest in peace sweet boy Jacob.

Friends turn on your lights for Jacob. Honor him. jacob-wetterling-leave-lights-on-for-jacob

Image via Jacob Wetterling Resource Center