Dear Foster Dads,

I can’t tell you how many women I talk to who tell me some variation of “I would love to take a foster child into our home, but my husband. . . he’s just not behind the idea.” I know men have legitimate reasons for not feeling like foster care is right for their family. I respect that. But the frequency with which I hear that expressed makes me all the more thankful for YOU.

(Foster) Father’s Day www.herviewfromhome.com
Melissa Breedlove Photography

You said “yes” when so many men say “no.” You have chosen compassion for the weak and defenseless instead of deciding those kids aren’t your responsibility. You have shared your home, your wife, your time, your resources with little people who through no fault of their own have a desperate need. You have taken that protective boundary you set up around your family and you’ve cracked open a door to let in another little person (or two, or three, or MORE) who needs your protection. You have taken the value system of the world and turned it on its head.

Foster Dads, you bring a unique perspective to the table. I have sat at that table and in my experience, it is often a table surrounded by women– female caseworkers, lady lawyers, biological moms, foster moms, female visitation workers. You may have been a part of meetings where you were the only man in the room advocating for the needs of that child. Your voice was needed. A father’s voice was needed. You tend to see things in more black and white terms, which can be good for everybody involved. This doesn’t mean you always see biological family as bad and your family as good. In fact, I think you are often able to see the progress the biological family is making and affirm the goodness of that while others of us (me!) on the team are struggling with the implications for our own lives. You want to see justice prevail and you are often able to be less biased about what “justice” actually means.

(Foster) Father's Day
Photo by Rebecca Tredway Photography

And you do the behind-the-scenes things that no one will ever praise you for. The midnight feeding so your wife can sleep. Taking time off work to show up at school performances. Risking life and your beloved vehicle to teach your foster son to drive. You’ve made breakfast and learned to improvise a hairstyle when she pulls her pigtails out, helped with homework, and given dating advice. On top of that, you’ve filled out countless forms, gotten fingerprinted and background checked and answered a thousand questions about your own upbringing through the home study process, however painful that may have been for you. And you’ve done it all because you believe kids need families. YOU are changing the reputation of foster dads by doing what you know is right– loving these kids as your own.

When other guys say things to you like, “I don’t know how you do it. I don’t think I could.” You say awesomely casual stuff like, “If we don’t do it, who will?” or “It’s hard, but it’s just the right thing to do.” You make it sound simple. You make your friends think and you challenge their ideas about justice and compassion and family. You help them see that maybe this is something they could do, too. You are an advocate for the kids who enter your family and for the many others you’ll never be able to take into your own home. You make an impact because you aren’t afraid to speak up about the need for quality dads in the foster care system, even when that makes your friends a little uncomfortable.

(Foster) Father's Day   www.herviewfromhome.com
Photo by Rebecca Tredway Photography

Society tells you you are what you own. Your job defines you. Your beautiful wife and adorable, well behaved kids define you. Your income and status define you. But you’ve chosen a different value system. You’ve chosen to love what you cannot own. To spend your resources on an “investment” that may never be yours. You’ve chosen to love someone who may shame you with unexpected public meltdowns or teen pregnancy or fights at school or by being picked up for drug possession. You do this because you understand this child has experienced trauma and needs the healing help of a family even if they choose not to accept that help and in spite of the cost to you. It’s selfless. It’s beautiful. It’s why I admire you so much.

(Foster) Father's Day   www.herviewfromhome.com
Photo by Jen Hinrichs Photography

When your wife says she’s had it and she’s ready to quit, you listen. You hear her talk about the frustration of coordinating schedules for visitation, not being respected or heard by caseworkers, the demeaning thing that was said about her by a biological family member, and how angry she got when a friend said something negative about this child’s family. You are where she feels safe to vent and you gently remind her of why you’re doing this. You ask if she can do just one more day or week or month and see if things get better. You tell her to take an evening out and you’ll handle things at home. You tell her that if she can’t do it anymore, you understand. These are the conversations no one else will ever know about because you both love these kids and value their privacy too much to tell people how hard it can be.

We know you aren’t perfect. You have your own frustrations with a system that seems to work too slowly for these children. You get angry when the court’s idea of the “best interests of the child” seems so out of synch with what this child actually needs. You lose your patience with kids who seem out of control. You get irritated when the state seems to be unnecessarily involved in your life. You feel hopeless and say things you regret when biological family members keep breaking promises to their kids. You weep when a child leaves your home and imagine how much easier life might be for them if you could protect them forever. You aren’t perfect, but you stay committed to this child, to their family, to the process. For many kids, you may be the first time they have lived in a home with a loving father. You are creating their concept of “dad” and establishing what normalcy could look like for them.

(Foster) Father's Day
Photo by Renae Morehead Photography

So this Father’s Day, have an extra donut, Foster Dads. Put your feet up and watch a movie (I recommend “Star Wars”– a classic tale of a child learning the truth about his biological family and making peace with them after being raised in a kinship home. You know, normal foster care stuff. . . ) surrounded by the kids who love you. Know you are appreciated, respected and honored by so many– the wives who see the sacrifices you make, the team (caseworkers, lawyers, judges) who know how much these kids need fathers in their lives, your biological and adopted kids who watch you put your beliefs into practice, the community (friends, family, coworkers, church, etc.) of people around you who know how hard you’re working to make a difference, the biological families who see your love for their children, and the foster kids themselves who are blessed by your involvement in their lives.

Foster Dads, you are our heroes. 

Sincerely,

One of Your Biggest Fans

For more information on becoming a foster dad, contact Christian Heritage.

*All men pictured above are current or former foster dads. This is not stock photography. This is family. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Maralee Bradley

Maralee is a mom of six pretty incredible kids. Four were adopted (one internationally, three through foster care) and two were biological surprises. Prior to becoming parents, Maralee and her husband were houseparents at a children’s home and had the privilege of helping to raise 17 boys during their five year tenure. Maralee is passionate about caring for kids, foster parenting and adoption, making her family a fairly decent dinner every night, staying on top of the laundry, watching ridiculous documentaries and doing it all for God’s glory. Maralee can be heard on My Bridge Radio talking about motherhood and what won't fit in a 90 second radio segment ends up at www.amusingmaralee.com.

3 Things We Learned While Waiting For Our Adopted Child

In: Adoption
3 Things We Learned While Waiting For Our Adopted Child www.herviewfromhome.com

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage. Remember that old nursery rhyme? I can still hear it playing in my head. Growing up, I had always assumed that would be my story. The love and marriage part certainly happened for me in an amazing, storybook ending kind of way. However, the baby in the baby carriage didn’t come as quickly for my husband and me. As a few years passed, we began to feel a little restless and disheartened. However, God opened up His perfect plan for our family by leading us to...

Keep Reading

I Chose Adoption For My Baby, But I Didn’t Let Go

In: Adoption
I Chose Adoption For My Baby, But I didn't Let Go www.herviewfromhome.com

  I am often asked, when people find out I am a birth mother, “Why did you decide on adoption? Didn’t you want her?” In the tidy nutshell version of my response it was the logistical factors of being pregnant at just 16-years-old that was my why. Being a junior in high school when I saw those two pink lines in October of 2004, I still needed to graduate, plus I wanted to attend college. I did not have a job to support us. In fact, I did not have my driver’s license or even the few dollars it took...

Keep Reading

Dear Mama Reading This Right Now, You Are Amazing

In: Adoption, Child Loss, Miscarriage, Motherhood
Dear Mama Reading This Right Now, You Are Amazing www.herviewfromhome.com

To the one with healthy children in your lap, YOU are a great mom. Whether you work full-time or stay at home, you are amazing and deserve to be celebrated every day, but especially today. You sacrificed your body and your own well-being over and over again and I know you don’t regret any of it. You are enough and you are appreciated even when you don’t feel it. To the one holding a child someone else carried inside of her body, YOU are a great mom. Whether you faced infertility, surrogacy, chose to adopt, or have biological and adopted children,...

Keep Reading

4 Things a Birth Mom Wants Adoptive Families To Know

In: Adoption, Journal
4 Things a Birth Mom Wants Adoptive Families To Know www.herviewfromhome.com

The minutes on the hospital clock dwindled as I swaddled my infant daughter one last time before she was permanently placed in the arms of her adoptive family. In those final moments, I thought my heart might shatter into a thousand slivers without any hope of being mended. I was broken. Scarred. Devastated. When I left the hospital without my baby, it felt like someone was pounding on my chest with both fists and I couldn’t catch my breath. The emptiness that followed was inconceivable. A piece of me, my daughter, was gone. I couldn’t comprehend the magnitude of my...

Keep Reading

No Matter Life’s Season, God Provides What We Need

In: Adoption, Faith
No Matter Life's Season, God Provides What We Need www.herviewfromhome.com

When my husband and I adopted our older daughter Lilly 15 years ago, she was nine-months-old and weighed about 17 pounds. That might not seem like much, but she was a chunk of a little girl—so much so that people we met in elevators and restaurants in China often mistook her for a two-year-old. I had worked on my cardiovascular fitness in the months leading up to our adoption trip, and my regular runs on the treadmill prepared me to traverse the Great Wall with relative ease. My upper body strength, however, was a different story entirely. My arms and...

Keep Reading

Acknowledging the Loss in Adoption

In: Adoption
Acknowledging the Loss in Adoption www.herviewfromhome.com

  “Don’t do it! Adoption is the worst!” His voice echoed through my entire body, his words hitting every unprepared bone, and I clutched the full glass of ice water ready to plunge it in his direction. There were hundreds of people in the darkened bar room, on dates mostly, sitting in the crowd enjoying the comedy show. My insides twisted and lurched, I heard nothing but the reverberations of laughter, and my mind kept envisioning myself walking over to him and punching his face in. When the comedian began working adoption into her show, my body began tingling and...

Keep Reading

Adoption Is Love

In: Adoption, Journal
Adoption Is Love www.herviewfromhome.com

  I pull around in the car line and scan the group of kids for my daughter. Usually, I can find her easily, chatting it up with her friends as she waits for me to pick her up from school. Today, though, I don’t see her. I look again and I finally spot her. She is slumped on the curb, her head in her hands and her eyes downcast. My momma radar instantly goes off as I watch her slowly get up and drag her feet to the car and I can tell that something is wrong. She slides into...

Keep Reading

The Ache While We Wait to Adopt

In: Adoption, Faith
The Ache While We Wait to Adopt www.herviewfromhome.com

  There’s a persistent ache, but sometimes I can ignore it. I can turn up the volume of what’s around me and drown it out for a bit. I play hostess and invite the noise to come in: come fill up my heart, come fill up this empty nursery, come fill up this planner. I’ve got two kids, and they are experts at noise, so my days are full of it, and it works. The noise narcotizes the ache, making it manageable, day by noisy day.  In my former life as a teacher, I used to make my students write...

Keep Reading

How Being Adopted Made My Husband a Better Father

In: Adoption, Journal
How Being Adopted Made My Husband a Better Father www.herviewfromhome.com

My husband’s earliest memories of his adoptive mother are as blurry as the black and white photos he has taped inside a leather-bound family album. He recalls the gentle hands that tucked him into bed each night and the smell of her lavender scented soap, but these memories are intertwined with the last and most painful of all: sitting on the cold hospital steps, muffled whispers in the hallway, and the tight grip of his adoptive father’s hand as they made their way back to the car without his mother. Death was an abstract concept that he was unable to...

Keep Reading

Adoption Has Made Me a Better Mama

In: Adoption, Journal
Adoption Has Made Me a Better Mama www.herviewfromhome.com

I remember etching our family plans into a napkin at our two-year anniversary dinner. We were eating at Rio in Sisters, Oregon and I couldn’t wait to get back to the little cabin we had rented to watch Harry Potter and dream about babies. Weird combo? Probably. First we would conceive and carry a miracle baby in my actual womb. Then after a bit of time had passed, after we got “the easy one” birthed, we would enter into the adoption world. I think back to my barely 20-year-old self and think about how naive she was—I still only have...

Keep Reading