Saying good-bye to a parent is not something young adults expect to do. I certainly did not expect to bury my father when I was 35. And, now, a couple of years later, I realize I am not alone in grieving for a parent during this phase of life.

When my father passed away, I saw that people wanted to say something to comfort me, but were rarely successful. On many days, my emotions were completely overwhelming. I felt sad, angry, anxious, relief – often all at once. And those days still creep up on me, but most especially on my father’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and on Father’s Day. After my own struggles with grief and navigating emotions that I could never imagine, I now have these words for friends that find themselves on this most unexpected journey:

Dear friend,

I am so sorry to hear that your mom/dad passed away. There are really no good or perfect words to say at the moment. Please know  I am thinking and praying for you.

At the moment, I cannot begin to guess how you are feeling. The emotions I felt when my father passed away ranged from disbelief to anger, sadness to helplessness. You have your own range that you are experiencing – and whatever it is, know that it is normal and okay.

You will find as you go through this surreal grief process that you will occasionally pick up the phone to call your mom/dad, but catch yourself just before you dial. In grief, it is a small blessing to have these moments where it seems that she/he is still here and only a phone call away. But when you do forget and have to remind yourself, know that it is normal and okay.

Moments, days, weeks may come when you are filled with anger and frustration that your mom/dad is no longer with you. Regardless of who or what your frustration is directed towards, it in no way changes the love you have for your parent, the love your parent had for you, or the relationship you had with them. In your frustration, know that it is normal and okay.

A day will come when you go through the motions of your day content and happy. The sadness will be tucked neatly away in a corner of your mind. At some point, the idea of your own happiness will bring you guilt – though it should not. But when you find those days of happiness in the midst of your grief, know that it is normal and okay.

As Mother’s/Father’s Day rolls around, you may see the aisle of greeting cards in the store and find yourself pausing to remind yourself that you will never buy those cards again – at least not for your own mother/father. And, if on that day, you find yourself with tears in your eyes standing in the grocery store somewhere between the greeting cards and the protein supplements, know that it is normal and okay.

After some time has passed, friends or family may casually bring up your mom/dad in conversation. Though concern may be expressed or a happy memory shared, you may find tears have made their way to the surface once again. When you have to step away so that your emotions don’t completely get away from you, know that it is normal and okay.

Grieving is not an easy journey. There are no maps. You will make some wrong turns along the way, but seek encouragement from those around you. Continue to pursue your own goals and passions. Little by little, the journey will become easier, but understand that there will be bumps along the way. Anger will interrupt your day. Sadness will find you, but so will happiness. Through all of the emotions, just know that it is normal and okay.

With love,

Your friend

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Amy Emerson

Calling Central Florida home, Amy spends her weekdays working in the area’s tourism industry, her late nights writing, and all times in between raising her two active and spirited children (ages 7 and 5) with her husband of over fifteen years. She also volunteers with her church, HOA board of directors, and her son’s Cub Scout den. In her spare moments she enjoys drinking iced vanilla lattes and planning their next family adventure - with the next ten years of travel outlined, there is a lot to do. Amy shares her family’s adventures, her journey of over-coming loss, and trying to keep a busy life on track via her blog leftbrainmom.com.

A Letter To My Mother in Heaven

In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Motherhood
Wide open sky at sunset

Dear Mom, I miss you. I wish you were here. I can tell you a mom is irreplaceable for a child. When a mom dies, her child is no longer whole. The loss makes it hard to breathe. That child flails in the wind like a cottonwood seed. A piece of fluff that gets knocked about the world by the wind. Sometimes I landed on solid ground, sometimes I landed in a pond and almost drowned. But I’m still here. I survived. RELATED: To Those Who Know the Bitter Hurt of Losing a Parent In the year after your death,...

Keep Reading

The Grey Sweater

In: Death of a Parent, Faith, Grief
The Grey Sweater www.herviewfromhome.com

Folding the laundry gets me down sometimes. It’s a mindless activity, really. My brain runs on autopilot as it remembers the old days when laundry only took up a small percentage of my time. Nowadays, I can spend up to four hours in one afternoon doing laundry for my tribe of six people. I drift into a mechanical rhythm as I go through my three step process: retrieve fold put away (Granted, this is an ideal scenario- I don’t typically make it through all three steps in one day!) While I was going through the motions this morning, my hands...

Keep Reading

Even Though You’re In Heaven, Your Grandchildren Will Know You

In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Motherhood
Mother and little boy looking down road

The well-loved picture frame sits on the shelf in your grandkids’ room; just high enough to be out of reach from curious toddler hands, but low enough for me to pull it down each time they ask about you. That photo of you— it has always been my favorite. You look so happy, so healthy, so whole . . . just the way that I want these sweet grandbabies of yours—the ones you never got to meet—to know you. Because although you may be in Heaven, they will know you. You’ll never bounce them on your knee, or sneak extra...

Keep Reading

He Died Getting Sober For His Granddaughter: What My Father’s Death Taught Me About Grief

In: Death of a Parent, Grief
He Died Getting Sober For His Granddaughter: What My Father's Death Taught Me About Grief www.herviewfromhome.com

Years had been spent trying to tell my father that he needed help. He and his wife had separated, gotten back together, and separated again. His alcoholism was controlling every facet of his life and he was in complete denial about it. That had been the way for years. When I finally became pregnant, my husband and I decided to drop the bomb on Dad with humor. He had what we called a “thriving” waistline (due to excessive drinking and poor diet) and so I pointed out his gut and said “give me a few months and I’ll catch up....

Keep Reading

Moving Through Grief With My Sensitive Son

In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Kids
Moving Through Grief With My Sensitive Son www.herviewfromhome.com

My middle child, Austin, is not the extrovert like his older sister and younger brother. Though he doesn’t hide from a crowd, he’s most happy at home, reading books, riding his bike in the alley, and cuddling in our big chair with me. He’s always been this way. My husband, Shawn, and I spent a painful year watching Austin scream and cry every single day when we’d leave him at the preschool doors. The next year was less dramatic, but he still shed many tears. Finally in kindergarten he could walk into the classroom without crying, but he would still...

Keep Reading

My Mom Died and It’s Not Fair

In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Motherhood
My Mom Died and It's Not Fair www.herviewfromhome.com

“I think we should leave,” I whispered to my husband through clenched teeth as my two-year old daughter, Hailey, wailed in my arms. We were at my cousin Ryan’s house for his daughter’s birthday party and Hailey was having a typical overtired toddler meltdown. Tears started to well up in my eyes, but not because of my daughter’s less than ideal behavior. As I surveyed the room, I could see my aunt smiling and laughing with her granddaughter and Ryan’s wife’s mom right beside them, doting on the little girl, too. Witnessing this made me think about my own mother...

Keep Reading

A Love Letter From Mamas in Heaven to Their Beautiful Daughters on Earth

In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Journal, Loss
motherless, motherless daughter, grief, loss, heaven, faith, grieving, mom www.herviewfromhome.com

“We know days don’t come easy for you and so we chose to band together and compose a love letter in your honor. Funny thing when it comes to mamas in Heaven: we find each other and form a tribe like a sisterhood on earth. We comfort one another when you’re hurting and we brag up the wazoo when you accomplish anything. Actually, we brag from morning till night. Yesterday Kim’s mama made us gather around and listen for over an hour how her daughter graduated college with honors although she had mononucleosis for two semesters. Right now, Sara’s mama...

Keep Reading

Dear Husband, I Know the Importance of a Dad, Because I Lost Mine Too Soon

In: Death of a Parent, Journal
Dear Husband, I Know the Importance of a Dad, Because I Lost Mine Too Soon www.herviewfromhome.com

Dad was enlightened. He knew that every small moment mattered. He was silly, too. He made funny faces at me in every situation. He told stories of sailing to China on container ships, and he practiced Tai Chi every morning. He knew how to engage my creativity, spreading butcher paper all over the living room floor so I could draw on and on and on. His collection of string instruments and the bright, whimsical canvases he painted in oil decorated our home. We danced and sang to Ry Cooder and David Lindley and ate slices of juicy red watermelon on...

Keep Reading

To Those Who Know the Bitter Hurt of Losing a Parent

In: Death of a Parent, Grief
Sad woman head in her hands sitting against a wall

To the young adults out there who have lost parents, this one is for you. You experienced a great loss and you’re still so young with so much life ahead of you. You often wonder how you can make it through the rest of your life without the parent who is no longer here. I see you struggling. On the outside, you hold it together. You keep a smile and hold your head up high; you want to take on the world and embrace life. You meet new people and want to tell them your story because maybe they understand....

Keep Reading

Mother’s Day Magnifies the Loss of My Own Mom, and It’s Still Hard

In: Death of a Parent, Grief, Motherhood
Mother's Day Magnifies the Loss of My Own Mom, and It's Still Hard www.herviewfromhome.com

“Your mother’s gone,” my dad said as he walked into our apartment. Those words still haunt me, even 19 years later. My mother’s death wasn’t a surprise—she had been battling lung cancer for sixteen months—I just wasn’t ready to hear it. The finality of it all. My mother was gone. Those few days, weeks and months remain somewhat of a blur. I was very angry and bitter. I had recently started dating a wonderful man (my now-husband, Brian) and our lives revolved around parties and other social events.  But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to be happy. While out...

Keep Reading