The recent post “Stop Being a Butthole Wife” had so many of us grabbing for the tissues, thanking the Lord for our wonderful husbands, and promising to not care so much about the dirty socks on the floor. Then the post that followed, “I’m One of Those ‘Butthole’ Wives, and it’s Not Likely to Change Soon” had so many of us agreeing and wondering how in the world we can stop being a butthole wife when we just wish our husbands would pick up those dirty socks.

The fact of the matter is this: we may resolve to stop being a “butthole” wife, and it may work for a week or two. But no matter how hard we try, the desire to have control of everything in our lives will rear its ugly head somewhere down the road.

But there is hope! From one “butthole” wife to another, here’s a one-step “how-to” guide on how not to be one, from a Biblical perspective.

Five years ago, my husband and I were on a road trip and decided to listen to a sermon on disc. I wish I knew which pastor it was so I could give credit; this sermon was marriage changing for me.

First, we start in Genesis, right after Eve ate of the apple, and God tells Adam and Eve what consequences will result due to their disobedience.

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” -Genesis 3:16 (NIV)

Hone in on the second half of that verse. “Your desire will be for your husband.”

That doesn’t mean anything sexual. Rather, it means our desire will be to rule over our husbands… or put another way, we want our husbands to do things exactly the way we think are best.

Perhaps the ESV version says it better. “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband.”

The desire to be right and have our way done is so ingrained in us as women, it is impossible to change on our own. As wives, we think we are right so often. And sometimes we are. Socks should be put in the hamper. But that’s not the point.

So what is a wife to do?

Pray. It’s that simple and that hard.

I once heard a pastor say his wife asked him how she could be a better wife. He responded that if he ever had a problem with her, he always took it to the Lord first. Then one of two things happened. The Lord either changed his wife or changed him because sometimes the problem he had with his wife was actually a problem in his own heart. If the problem was with him, he didn’t hurt his wife in the process of complaining about it to her.

Gah! How many times have I verbally picked apart my husband for not doing something the way I wanted him to do it? Far too many times to count.

But the times I have taken my issues to the Lord first have been life changing. Here’s an example. When my husband served in the Navy, he became buddies with a sailor who sent red flags flying. He was a bad influence. Everything in me wanted to scream, “What are you thinking? Run!” As those words just about hit my tongue, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to keep my mouth quiet and pray, for if I were to speak right then, my husband likely would have gotten defensive and clung harder to the friendship.

So I prayed. It took two long months. But as I prayed for the friendship to end, I also found myself praying for this friend. He needs the Lord just as much as I do. One day, my husband began questioning the friendship. At that moment the Lord nudged me with the okay to bring up my concerns. They fell on a heart ready to receive. The friendship rather quickly faded.

So let us pray about everything. Even the dirty socks on the floor! The Lord may not change your husband and have him pick them up (maybe He will). But we will notice a change in our own hearts, and the “butthole” attitude will begin to fade, breathing life-changing air into our marriages, just like the Lord did for the the author of the first post. Because when we pray, our magnifying glasses of criticism are taken off our husbands and pointed to the Lord, who guides, forgives, and loves.