Child Loss Grief Miscarriage

I Wanted A Baby More Than Anything

I Wanted A Baby More Than Anything www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Nina Leicht-Crist

My husband was previously married and had a vasectomy at 22 years old. When we got married, he wasted no time to get a vasectomy reversal, so that we could start a family. The surgery was not very successful and we ended up doing a procedure called TESA and MESA where the sperm is harvested directly from the testicles and epididymis.

Thinking that we had all we needed, we sought out an infertility clinic and started our first IVF cycle in 2004. Unfortunately, I didn’t get pregnant — not the first, second or third try. We were devastated and heartbroken and thought we would never be able to have a baby of our own.

Fortunately, we found a gifted urologist, who performed a second vasectomy reversal. In a nine-hour procedure, he was able to connect the cauterized parts and reestablish a pathway for the sperm. Six months later, we received good news that we could try IVF again with fresh sperm in hand.

I got pregnant on my fourth cycle! We were elated and celebrated every day of my pregnancy.

The day we decided to announce we were pregnant – 12 weeks and 4 days into the pregnancy – I suffered a miscarriage that left me devastated and sad.

I became depressed. Every time I saw a mother with her belly it tore my heart out. Every time I saw a mom scold her child, I wanted to scoop the kid up and give hugs.

A year later we tried a fifth time and nothing came of it, so I decided I would take a break, focus on my life, my work and my family that I already had.


Two years later, the wish for a child, one that I could hold, hug, and kiss as many times as I wanted, one that nobody could take away from me, became bigger and bigger.

It consumed my every thought. I wanted a baby and I wanted it more than anything.

People tried to tell me that I should relax and a baby would come or “just” adopt a baby as if that was easy.  Adoption is a beautiful process, but it wasn’t for us.  

These people just didn’t get it.  

Their well-meant comments just made me mad and angry. What these people failed to realize was that back in early 2001, my husband and I had been given custody of his almost three-year-old daughter. Her biological mother gave her away because she didn’t want to raise the “Devil’s child.” I raised this little girl as my own until one day 9 months later, my husband was briefly detained for kidnapping. Her biological mother had changed her mind and called her Congressman. My husband was a soldier in the United States Army and a congressional investigation was opened only to be closed a few days later after we could provide the necessary custody paperwork.

However, in late September 2001, a judge in Montana decided that despite the child being happy, healthy, and well taken care of, she should be returned to her biological mother immediately because the judge “felt uneasy about the child living with a German step-mother while her father was serving in a highly deployable Special Forces unit.”

Giving her back and knowing what circumstances awaited her, sent me into an emotional tailspin. I was angry beyond anything I could possibly put into words. Therefore, when I say I wanted MY baby, I wanted a baby that nobody could take away from me. A baby that wouldn’t tell me one day, “I need to find my ‘real’ mom!” I wanted my baby that I could call my own forever and ever.

We contacted the fertility clinic again and set up yet another (my 6th) IVF cycle. I got pregnant and miscarried at 6 weeks and 2 days. Six months later I was back at the clinic trying again. And miscarried at 5 weeks and 4 days.

My husband and I received genetic testing and were told we were healthy and compatible. The reason for my recurrent miscarriages remained a mystery.

I had no words. No thoughts. No solution. No more money to try again…

But I had a motorcycle and a piano and decided to sell both of them immediately. My husband negotiated the fee with the clinic and with a last ditch effort, we tried again.

It was my 8th IVF cycle and my ovaries were hopelessly overstimulated, to the point my trusted doctor told me he had great concerns about transferring any embryos in the following days. I insisted we give it a try, should the genetic test reveal a healthy embryo.

17 eggs were removed. 7 developed far enough to get genetically tested. 1 embryo was completely healthy and transferred.

One.

My pregnancy was terrible. I had to give myself two shots a day until week 36. I had to take several oral medications that made me nauseous. I got carpal tunnel in both wrists. I retained water and looked like a balloon. My blood pressure was sky high and I was labeled with “white coat syndrome.’  I ended up with pre-eclampsia and was induced with a Bishop score of 3. I labored without pain meds for 30 hours and didn’t progress one bit. I asked for a break and didn’t get one. I asked for food and didn’t get any. Finally, I begged for a C/section and was told I couldn’t just have a C/section just because…

Nothing, absolutely nothing went my way or the way I imagined it would be when I would finally have my baby.

I ended up with C/section later that day and a healthy baby boy.

And coded the next morning because of complications with the preeclampsia. I lost one hour and 25 minutes of my life. I have no recollection of it, but I do have one perfect little dude.

Now if you think the story ends here – you are wrong.

The beginning of September my husband innocently ate a spoonful of peanut butter. It made me sick to my stomach. The next day I bought a pregnancy test. It came back positive the second I peed on it and I about had a heart attack.

I had a blood test the same day confirming I am pregnant and an ultrasound the next day showing a perfect little heartbeat.

And all of it for zero dollars… the completely natural way and I still don’t know how that happened.

After 16+ years of marriage never once watching out, 2 vasectomy reversals, 8 IVF procedures, 4 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, 1 rainbow baby, I am here to tell you: God is a funny guy with a great sense of humor. Just when we thought we had it all figured out… here comes a curve-ball:

Our miracle is due in May 2017.

About the author

Nina Leicht-Crist

Nina was born and raised in Germany, and is a medical assistant, doula, lactation counselor, and Reiki practitioner by trade. She has earned a baccalaureate degree in management studies from University of Maryland University College while she lived in Germany and the United States. She is the mother of two (adult) stepchildren, a #rainbowbaby, a #bonusbaby, and three angels in heaven. Nina is the author of “Love, Faith and Infertility” published by Tredition in March 2017. It is available for sale on tredition.com, amazon.com, amazon.de and at your favorite bookstore. You can read more from Nina on her blog Millions of Peaches, Her View From Home, and Huffington Post Deutschland.

20 Comments

  • Ah, Nina. I so agree with you that God is good, and has such a sense of humor. Bottom line? He loves you. And all your babies. May the months ahead be filled with joy. I’m so happy for you.

    • My dear Lori, I appreciate you, your friendship, and that God sent you to me so many years ago. I love you my friend. Thank you for reading and commenting. Sincerely, Nina.

  • Congratulations! This is such an inspiring story. Wishing you the best pregnancy ever and easy labor and deliver.

  • I am so glad you are celebrating this miracle in your life. I have not been in your shoes so I cannot imagine the heartache you’ve gone through. I also agree that offering adoption as an option to every family who is struggling with infertility is often an insensitive response, no matter how well intentioned the comment is. That said, with no meanness in my words, as an adoptive mom, I’d really encourage you to continue to learn more about adoption. Not because I think you should adopt but because while sometimes complicated, the idea of adopted moms being traded in or somehow less connected to their children is not really a fair assessment. My three adopted kids are mine, but they are also another mama’s babies too. And more importantly, they are God’s, gifted to both me and their birth mom’s by Him. They are forever my children despite the presence of birth families in their lives. It is not a competition between us and while we might worry that love will get diluted or divided, the reality is, it just multiplies.

    • Dear Kayla, Thank you for your kind comment and thoughts. I am glad you shared with me. I am the mother to two children whom I received when I married their dad. Our family is blended. I omitted this part for this story only, but if you want you can read more about my step-children as I’ve written about them before. I’ll edit the story and will explain because I didn’t mean to offend you or any adoptive mom. I admire you for your strength and please know that I had solid reasons why adoption was not the right choice for me. Sincerely, Nina.

  • What a beautiful story! He really has a great sense of humor. Wishing you an easy pregnancy, labor, and delivery this time. Congratulations on your second angel. 🙂

  • I am in awe of your faith and determination, Nina! You knew that baby was (babies I guess!) were planned for you, so awesome that you didn’t give up hope. God sure does have a funny sense of humor, He must have thought after all you went through you deserved two miracles 🙂 Thanks for sharing your amazing story!

    • Dear Erika, Thank you for your kind comment and yes, God definitely had a plan for me. I submit to him and he will lead me where I need to go. Sincerely, Nina.

  • I have goosebumps! What an amazing story. I’m so thrilled for you and your family. One miracle baby is such a blessing. However, to give your son a sibling is even more magical. I wish you all the best and cannot wait to here more about your little family!!!!

  • This brought tears to my eyes! After 2 losses, I definitely gave it all over to God and had a healthy baby girl. Isn’t it amazing what He can do in our lives?! Praying for a healthy pregnancy for you and baby!

    • Dear Amanda, thank you for your kind comment and prayers. I appreciate them more than you know. God is powerful and he can make our path straight. Sincerely, Nina