Grief Motherhood

I Will Not Let My Anxiety Steal Motherhood

I Will Not Let My Anxiety Steal Motherhood www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Megan O'Neil

My heart was racing, my head had a million fears, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The weight of the world was on me, and the pressures of a new 7-pound baby were all in my face.

Nighttime scared the hell out of me. The sun would creep down, the light in the sky would give a colored glow and my anxiety turned on.

Dark turned into fear, and I was fearful of my night. This feeling was a sense I felt for my first two months of my new motherhood role.

I was fearful of not being the best mother. I was fearful I wouldn’t be able to calm her down. I was afraid that my life has changed immensely and what did I do to myself. Did I lose ME?

When my daughter was two months old, I started to get the hang of it.

Nights were not scary anymore, and I had somewhat of a routine.

I had a day that I still think back. I was changing my daughter in her room, and I wasn’t stressed. I was doing my thing.

Then all of a sudden anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t know it was coming, and the feeling was so intense I was afraid for my new baby. I panicked, and I felt like I may pass out.

I grabbed her and ran down my stairs as fast as I could run. Thank goodness my father in law was downstairs.

I hit the last step and handed off my nine pounder bundle of joy, and locked my eyes with him. I screamed in a frightened voice; I need to go outside can you give me a minute?

He had no clue the feeling I was feeling. I felt like I couldn’t take my next breath. My chest was tight, and I needed to breathe. My heart was racing like it may pop out of my chest.

This was an anxiety attack.

They come on whenever. They don’t care what you are doing. They are a part of motherhood.

He grabbed the baby from my arms, and I darted for the door. I turned the handle and gasped for breath once I walked outside.

The outdoors was the only place that was safe to me. The fresh air is my medicine. Breathe, and breathe, and just like that, I feel my body calming down.

My chest collapses and my heart starts to calm, and my breathing is controlled.

It’s the worst and a scary place to be. But mothers rarely talk about it.

I never brought up this scary feeling to others, because what kind of mother would I be?

Just last week I was having coffee with a couple of my mama friends. The topic of anxiety came up. I felt at peace because they too have had anxiety.

One of my friends mentioned it’s the hormones. A light bulb went off. That makes sense.

I feel like anxiety now lives in me. I think horrible thoughts. I’m scared and fearful for my daughter and protect her like no other.

I fear I may leave her, and I go to great lengths to not have my brain go there.

Motherhood can be scary; you are fearful of so much in this world. That the fear starts taking over parts of your body.

I’m done living in fear. I need to flood my head with good thoughts.

I’m tired of thinking about the future and just want to live now. In the moment. With my daughter.

I’m done hiding behind anxiety, and I’m ready to move forward and work with it.

Breathe, motherhood is a world of feelings. Let’s feel the real emotions, and escape the unknown.

We aren’t superheroes that control everything. We are mothers that only can control our bundles of joy and us.

Just know you are not alone.

About the author

Megan O'Neil

I live in Southern California near the beach. I’m a mom to a pint size toddler, a stepmom to an energized kid, and a wife to my lovely husband. I blog all day every day about the non sugar coated side of motherhood. I take pictures of my kids screaming in the aisles of grocery stores & sip on my coffee all morning long, Target is my happy place, and I get giddy when I shop through flea markets. I cook, eat organic, and I’m a girly girl all the way! I write during nap time and watch endless amounts of reality tv. Find my website here http://themothereffintruth.com/