What do you do when you want something so badly and know you just cannot have it right this moment?

Give up? Cry? Sit there and long for what could be?

I have done all three and then some, I can admit it.

I want so badly to be a stay at home mom.

I know, feel free to laugh, a few years ago I would have done the same thing.

When my little human was first born in mid 2014, obviously I was not thinking about working, as time went on I needed to get out. I needed alone time and I needed to feel more productive. I was one of those people who found myself working the moment I turned sixteen, it is in my blood. Five months after she was born, I started working two days a week and then three. Eventually, I found a better job, the only catch was that it is five days a week. No worries though, it is only several hours a day. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I work in the most fantastic office in the building, my co-workers are kind and my boss is definitely the best. I learn something everyday and even though I am the youngest by at least fifteen years, the people there are my friends.

I just cannot help but wonder what my little one is doing every moment I am gone. Is she happy? Sad? Sleeping? Eating? Dancing? Watching Peppa Pig? Missing me?

It was more of an idea than anything a little over a month ago. Then at the beginning of December, I worked with a SAHM blogger and ended up interviewing her for a blog post. That planted a seed that only grew and grew and grew until I could not deny it anymore. This longing really came at an inconvenient time to tell the truth. My husband and I are planning to buy a home in 2016 (the sooner the better). My mommy hormones are obviously not getting the financial memos. Still, as each day goes by, I want more and more to be with my little one all day.

She drives me crazy and causes chaos but I just picture us (in the cute little home I imagine my family in) waking up, making breakfast, and getting ready for the day. Watching her while I work on my blog or whatever project I have going on. Running errands, trying to keep the house clean, and hoping that I can get some dinner on the table by the time my husband is home (okay we were talking about the whole dinner thing the other day and that will probably take a lot of practice on my part, he is definitely the cook between us two). Sure, I understand that life at home is not a walk in the park, the days I am blessed with spending sun up to sun down with her I often find myself close to pulling my hair out by the end. But still, I want this! Yes, bad enough that if I came across a genie, it would be my first wish!

Some days I laugh at the fact that the one thing I desire most is what I used to say I would never want. Other days I feel sad and drown myself in thoughts such as “someone else is raising my child.” Every day I try to remember that I am one day closer to staying at home and have made it one more day away from her.

One thing my dad says to me always comes to mind as I pull myself out of sad thoughts, “She will not remember these years when she grows up.” My husband and I are working hard and doing all that we can, our daughter is surrounded by love and I believe that she is truly happy. 

If it is meant to be, my days away from my little one will eventually introduced by, “and it came to pass.”