Kids Motherhood Relationships

I’m A Stay At Home Mom, Not a Maid

I’m A Stay At Home Mom, Not a Maid
Written by Breanna Richey

Dear Husband,

I never thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. Sure, kids are great! They’re cute and they make me laugh, but I have never liked any child enough to think that I wanted to be with one 24/7. Well, as we both know, that all changed when I first held our baby in my arms. I wanted to cuddle with him, I missed him when I was gone, and even I missed him when I was with him! I know it was surprising to you that your wife was that compassionate, heck I was surprised too, but you worked your butt off to make it happen. I am very thankful for your hard work outside the house that makes it possible for me to stay home with our babies, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but there is something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. I guess I can’t get mad at you because we haven’t officially talked about this before but I want to make sure you understand once and for all that I’m a stay at home mom, not a maid.

I like to think that we have a progressive marriage in some ways. We split many of the duties 50-50 and we aren’t afraid to step in when the other person needs help. The other half of the time, we have an old school marriage. You work in an office job, and I work at home taking care of the children. You do most of the work outside such as mowing the lawn or taking out the trash, and I do most of the housework, which often includes laundry and dishes. To be honest, I don’t mind cleaning all the time. I enjoy having a spotless house and I will do dishes any day if it means I don’t have to mow the lawn. I guess you could say I am the keeper of the house. But there is a big difference between being the housekeeper and being a maid.

I feel like a maid when I do all the housework by myself. I don’t know why you think that you have the luxury of relaxing when you have two kids under 1.5 years old, but you don’t. So when you are sitting on the couch watching sports on television and I am picking up your soda can and vacuuming around your socks, I feel like a maid. Sure, I could ask you to get off your butt and help me, but at the risk of sounding like a stereotypical woman, I want you to want to help. I will never understand why I have to beg you to keep your own house clean, and I definitely don’t want to see what your house would look like if you were single.

I feel like a maid when I pick up after you all day. Last time I checked I had two children, but while I am cleaning, it feels like I have three. I have a two year old and a 1 year old so I know picking up after them is part of the job, but I guess I always thought my husband would put his own dishes in the sink. When you take off your clothes and leave them on the side of the bed or when you leave your shoes in the middle of the living room, I feel like a maid.

At the end of the day, it’s not picking up your socks that makes me mad and I don’t get too irritated while doing your laundry. What I really stay up at night thinking about is the example we are leaving for our son. As we know very well by the words or phrases our son repeats, children learn by example. He is going to see his dad leaving his dirty dishes around the house and he is going to notice that daddy doesn’t put his own laundry away, and I don’t want him to think he doesn’t have to clean up after himself. He is going to notice that mommy never asks for help and I don’t want to teach him to not speak up for himself. I want to raise a son who wants to help his mom clean and I want to raise a son who is respectful at his friends’ house. Contrary to what this letter might convey, you are not the worst husband in the world. With a little effort from both of us, I think we can raise a pretty great son – as long as you remember I’m a SAHM, not a maid.

About the author

Breanna Richey

After being born and raised in Hawaii, Bre went to a Christian college where she played soccer and got her degree in Communications and Public Relations. Now she enjoys freelance writing and blogging about being a pastor’s wife and mom of two under two at Some of her favorite things include Starbucks, organizing, and interior decorating. Find her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

  • jennadesigns

    Love this! This is how our marriage is too. He mows the lawn, shovels the snow and takes out the garbage … the rest, I do. I put his laundry away, I pick up after him … all the time. It drives me crazy! Maybe I should show him your post … you have a very good point about what kind of example we’re setting for our children. I’m the process of deep cleaning our house and I’m hoping to get the point across that it needs to stay this way and that involves more than just me.

    • That was my thought exactly while writing this – that it wasn’t just affecting me! Thanks for reading!

  • Maya Kohn

    I hear this often, and feel it sometimes as well! It is so hard sometimes finding the balance between mom and maid… and I don’t think it gets easier as our kids get older. I totally remember my mom telling me she wasn’t my maid!

    • haha oh boy I didn’t even think of that when they get older!

  • Tineke F

    Great post… Really like your point about what example you´re giving to your children, they are going to think at some point it´s normal.

  • Goodness…I feel like I could have written this! I quit my job when our son was born with dwarfism, but still try to make money during the day as well…I get frustrated I have to do it ALL and he puts his dish in the sink when we are teaching our oldest to put his in the dishwasher ahhhh

  • Christy M

    I was a stay at home mom for 15 years! I could have written this a decade ago!

  • Definitely think every sahm can relate to this!

  • Diedre

    I’m not a stay at home mom, but I can still relate. My husband is a farmer and works long hours on the farm. I’m a school counselor and still maintain a home and take care of kids after my work day is complete.

    • Oh I bet that’s hard with the long hours! Thanks for reading!

  • Ellie Augustin

    HECK yes I can actually be heard saying ” I’m Mom not a Maid” in my house to my 4 kids AND Husband. He is by far the most hardworking man and I could not say how thankful I am for all the hard work he does and feel so blessed, BUT in my mind when he gets home sure he has to rest but if you can sit and watch FB videos and other mindless things why can’t you wash at least YOUR plate? YUP maybe he might have read this somehow cause he’s actually making the kids breakfast (today is his day off) and I have been working on my blogging this AM… Maybe they do listen sometimes? lol

    • It’s like you’re taking the words right out of my mouth! My husband is amazing and works so hard, but sometimes I still feel like a maid!

  • It’s so hard to keep the house clean these days, and somedays we just accept and push it till the weekend when we both can tackle it together fast.

    Recent Post: The Fair Trade Fashion Show Fundraiser

  • YOU GO GIRL. We are NOT maids.

  • Brittany

    I have always wanted to be a sahm but hat isn’t in the cards for me right now! you said it best! Love this!

  • I love this post! I’m also a SAHM.

  • A stay at home mom takes alot of work. And a lot of splitting time to do everything.

    • Yes exactly! It definitely takes two if we want things to run smoothly!

  • Jenni Laplow

    This post is great! I can really relate and am thinking about sharing with my hubby 🙂

  • I work from home and feel that way when I am constantly picking up after my kids all day everyday! They are getting better at picking up their stuff (and there is a LOT of it between them and their friends when they get older!), but only after my constant reminders 😉

    • Oh I know it’s just going to get worse when my kids are older! Thanks for reading!

  • Laurie Garcia

    I love this. No other words lol