Kids Living Motherhood

I’m Not Excited To Have This Baby

I'm Not Excited To Have This Baby www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Tessa Kirby

Motherhood is a funny thing; it’s beautiful and mystical. Knowing you could love something – someONE so much is astounding.  When you first learn you are about to become a mom, something in you grows (well obviously right?) but seriously, somewhere deep inside of you there is this shift; this change that can only be expressed as excitement and wonderment. You anxiously anticipate the arrival of your bundle of love; excitedly awaiting every minute of motherhood. You get the nursery all decked out, buy way too many clothes, have a lavish baby shower thrown for you, and constantly take weekly pictures updating the progress of your growing bump.

Then you get pregnant with your second (depending on how soon after you had the first you are either extremely panicked or excited) and you can’t wait to see how your oldest is going to react to being an older sibling. Although you wonder how you are going to juggle two little lives, you are overall excited about the joys that come with raising siblings.

Then you get pregnant with your third and you’re thinking – HOLY SH…..! WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?  Well maybe not – but that’s where I fell on the spectrum of, “1-10 how excited are you to have this baby?” You see, for the longest time I was in a state of denial. I think that stage lasted the longest. We got pregnant so quickly after having our second (8 months to be exact) that we were just not even in the baby making mindset.  Do you know what I mean? We had just bought a house the day before (for goodness sakes); we were not ready to bring another human into the world. But there we were, one more bun in the oven and two children, 2 and under. To say that I was slightly overwhelmed is a GINORMOUS understatement.

This pregnancy has been the strangest for me for many reasons but one thing stands out above the rest – simply put – I am just not excited to have this baby. I know that sounds awful and so “un-motherly” of me but it’s the truth. Selfishly, I wasn’t ready to give up my life yet again. I had just gotten settled in somewhat of a routine and life was going great.  We were moving into our new home, fixing it up along the way, my blogging career was beginning to take off and I was really settling into my life with two.

I was not ready for this curve ball.

For the longest time I didn’t even mention the baby, not on purpose, I was just too busy to recognize that there was a human being growing in my overly fertile womb; until one day, (quite recently) I was talking to a friend about how I needed to get a dresser for the new baby when she stopped me. “Well at least now your actually recognizing that you’re having a baby!” She chuckled. And then it hit me – she was totally right. I had barely ever mentioned having this baby! So much so that my friends had even noticed! YIKES! Talk about mommy guilt.

It was then that I realized how important it was that I come to grips with this impending due date. Because regardless of how busy I am, this baby is coming and there “ain’t nothin’ I can do about it!”
 
I’m still extremely scared. I sit here now and cringe at the thought of how much my life is going to change. There is so much I’m not ready to give up. I had all these “plans” for this next year of my life – big plans and none of them had to do with nursing and caring for a baby. God’s funny like that though, isn’t He? Just when we think we have it all together…BAM! He comes knocking on our door at the most “inconvenient” time of day. Everyone keeps reassuring me that once I see this baby my love for him/her is going to overflow just like it did for the two before and deep down I know it will. So for now, I’m just clinging to that promise and believing that this is all apart of His master plan.

Have any of you other momma’s ever felt this way? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

About the author

Tessa Kirby

I am a 25 year old former Michigander turned Illinoisan (by marriage). I am a full-time mother to three littles and a part-time dreamer. I find serenity in the art of bringing life back to my vintage finds and giving them new purpose within my home. In our spare time, my husband and I work together on our 1960’s fixer upper, designing and restructuring each space to make this house our home. I blog for fun in hopes that I can find community in the midst of my vulnerability. I find joy in meeting new people and sharing life with others! Learn more about me: http://www.tessakirby.com/

24 Comments

  • Yes, I can identify. We had just moved to another house, life was floating along pretty good. Baby was six months old, oldest child was nearly 4. We had a boy and a girl. I frantically unpacked, tried to get things in order and was so busy. Spring was coming and there was tons to do. Suddenly, my good baby (now 8 months old) was so fussy in the morning until I gave her a bottle. She was still nursing, and it seemed I didn’t have much milk. I also felt ill and fatigued. Strange. I bought a pregnancy test and took it, all without telling my husband. Positive. Words can’t even describle how I felt. Instead of cleaning up outside, I spent my spring just surviving getting through each day. The following spring, I was still in survival mode, having just come through a horrid winter of PPD and a very fussy baby. All I can say, those seasons do not last forever, and God kept us safe. My girls have been such a blessing to our family. They are 7 and 8 now, and a big help with the younger ones. Ahem, yes, there are three more, by adoption. It’s been a crazy life, but each part only lasts for a season. Your love for the new baby will come. It won’t be easy, and it might take awhile, but someday, you will wake up and realize what a sweet blessing God gave your family.

    • This is truly inspiring! THANK YOU so much for your encouragement! It’s stories like yours that give me the strength to keep pressing in. I so appreciate your words! Thank you for reading!

  • Yes, indeed. My third came as my first marriage split apart, and my bonus baby came just as I was settling into the idea of love and marriage again, and well after I thought I was done with all that pregnancy bit.But, so true-He has a master plan to it all. I don’t know what I would’ve done without these precious souls. Each so unique and essential to our little family. Rest assured, I totally get it, and, rest assured, the joy will come.

  • I totally get this! This last year has been nothing short of crazy for us and our second is due any day now. While I am so happy, I’m stressed out of my mind about the dynamics changing! My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you can find some sense of excitement before the babe gets here. Xo

    • Thank you Jody, I’m thankful that we get to go through this together as moms. As hard as it is to admit these truths, its so gratifying to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for your encouragement!

  • Awwww! It’ll all work out perfectly, I’m sure of that. Motherhood brings it’s struggles, but we always persevere! <3

  • You will be great! I know what you mean though. It can be hard to give up yet another part of ourselves. Especially when we feel like there isn’t much left. Good luck!

  • I tell my youngest every day that she is living proof that God knows better than me, because I would’ve been done after the two boys. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was pretty shaken. And yes, it took awhile to get used to the idea of having the third child. Thankfully He knew what His plan was for us as parents and for our children. And He knows the plan for you too! Blessed Assurance!

    • Crystal, I love what you said about your youngest. That is seriously the wisest thing I have read in a while. God totally knows so much better than we do doesn’t He? Thank you so much for your beautiful encouragement, it is truly cherished!

  • I have 2 and I feel our family is complete. If a 3rd did come in the picture, you can bet I’d feel the same way. Thank you for your honestly. Just like you have done with 1 and 2, you will rock with that sweet #3!

  • Congrats! Those feelings are expected and great job recognizing them and being vulnerable! 🙂 What a blessing!

  • Yes! Thanks for your honesty. Our second was unexpected. We had just settled into an awesome routine and I was feeling myself again (not to mention I’d lost 50 pounds and was feeling good!) I admit too, I was not ready nor was I very excited about the baby. But like you said, I knew I’d love the heck out of him and I do. And now I can’t imagine life without him. God knows what we need. He knows things we don’t. These years when they are tiny are so fleeting. One day you’ll look back and wonder where the time went! You’ll get back on your dreams in no time girl!

    • Alyssa…thank you so much for your honesty! Your heart is so beautiful and I cannot thank you enough for sharing. There are so many unknowns and I know God is ahead of all this. Thank you so much for your encouragement, it means so much to me! xoxo

  • It’s so funny that I stumbled across this because I just wrote about how I’m scared to go from 1 to 2 and here you are going from 2 to 3! I so appreciate your being so candid about your feelings and I wouldn’t call it unmotherly, I would call it being human, being real.

    http://www.myplotofsunshine.com

  • Although I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I totally get how you must be feeling. But moms have a funny way of just making everything work, so you’ll be amazing! And though your plans will have to change and adapt, like I said there must be a reason having your babies all so close together! They’ll be awesome playmates for each other while you’re busy making your plans and dreams happen in the future!?

  • Way to put your trust in God even when it hurts–because you’re exactly right, he grows us in those “inconvenient” times. (And with a 3-month-old, I totallyyyyyy understand the wanting to get back to normal thing. I still nurse all the time but I’m finally starting to get my body back! Haha)

  • I definitely can relate! I was completely taken back when I found out that I was pregnant with our second. We were not planning on trying for another 6 months or so and timing wasn’t ideal. It took me a few months to get over the shock and panic but now I can’t imagine it being any different. This little girl was the piece that completed our family.