Child Loss Featured Grief Journal

“Just Love Me”

Written by Guest Writer

Written by Kristen:

July 5th, 2011 was the most exciting but nerving wracking day for Sonny and I. Why? Because we were becoming PARENTS for the first time. 

Sonny and I barely slept that night. I hadn’t gone into labor yet; I was scheduled to be induced that day. We got to the hospital at 5:30 that morning. The nurse was prepping me to start the induction. She had a difficult time finding the heartbeat, but she said there was nothing to worry about. She found the heartbeat, so she thought. I had to go to the bathroom, so she had to unhook everything. She started again to find the heartbeat, but this time she couldn’t find the heartbeat. The heartbeat she had found earlier was mine. It appeared to be the baby’s heartbeat, because it was really fast. But I was just really nervous. She asked for nurse in training to call the Doctor – this is when Sonny and I both became nervous.

The Doctor was there in no time. He said we needed to do an ultrasound right away. He asked when I had felt the baby move last, it was 3:30 this morning. The baby was kicking so hard it took my breath away. He did the ultrasound and that moment changed our lives forever. There was no heartbeat. I don’t remember saying this, but Sonny does – I said, “You are telling me my baby is dead.” The Doctor was weeping and said yes. Sonny was holding me and the doctor was holding the both of us, we were all sobbing. In that moment of sheer pain and complete shock, the Lord spoke to me and said, “Don’t be mad, just love me.” We have both had to hold on to this and the let the Lord lead and guide us in our journey of healing from this.

The ultrasound showed that the baby was to big for my body to deliver, so I had to have a C-section. We had not found out if the baby was a boy or girl. So they prepped me for surgery. In the pain of not hearing a baby cry when he or she is delivered, there was still some excitement. We had a little princess, Jordyn Lynn. She was most beautiful baby we had ever seen.

To this day we do not know what happened to Jordyn, because I had a great pregnancy and nothing appeared to be wrong. When she was delivered she looked healthy. The medical doctors have no idea what happened, but the ultimate physician JESUS CHRIST does and that’s enough for us. Our hearts still ache, but the Lord has been so faithful to us. We can honestly say that we wouldn’t change anything.  Even though our daughter didn’t utter a word, Jesus used her for his glory. We had prayed from the beginning that our baby would accept Christ at a young age. He answered our prayer, just in a different way than we expected, but she is with Him in Heaven. Praise the Lord!

Our families have been so wonderful to us. We have all grieved together and are healing together. Our dear friends and church family have been so wonderful to us. We just feel so blessed to have the family, church family and friends we have.  We feel so rich with God’s blessings to us. To God be the glory!

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1 Comment

  • I know the pain of loosing a premature baby as did my daughter. The nurses rushed mine away calling it a fetus. Hers was placenta abruption. I have a grandson in Heaven at 11 years who had a strong faith which is comforting. The losses are painful but I rejoice in faith knowing we will meet again in Heaven. We will never forget these little ones –too tiny to survive. Now I imagine the millions of tiny aborted babies looking down from Heaven waiting for someone to love them. God loves them and will not allow any to be lost. I trust my words will bring some small comfort someone else going through similar experiences.