This has not been an easy year for me. Actually, it started two years ago. I’ve struggled in my marriage for many, many years. To be quite honest, it probably was a marriage that shouldn’t have happened. Good things came out of it; my kids, my faith and my ability to stand up for myself. But moments before I walked down the aisle (and the months leading up to it) I had panic attacks. I think deep down my soul knew it wasn’t the right relationship for me. I’m now a firm believer that the little voice you hear in your head – the gut feeling you have – that intuition that you just can’t explain – that is your soul speaking to you. Perhaps it’s God. Whatever it is, I know it comes from a place that knows better for me than my own brain. Why do we women choose to ignore that so much? 

Two years ago, I filed for divorce. The details that led up to that may be left for another post and sound like the premise for movie. Right now I’m dealing with the “aftermath” of a divorce. There is so much more than one person can imagine. I remember early on I spoke with a person that I didn’t even know who had recently been through a divorce. Something she said struck me. She was giving me all kinds of advice, but the one thing that she said that I couldn’t get out of my head was, “And the games haven’t changed.” I thought… what? I knew what she was talking about. But I thought to myself, that’s not going to happen to me. I’m a grown woman and I’m not going to fall for stupid words that someone tells me to get what they want. 

Boy was I mistaken.

I haven’t taken the plunge to start dating or seeing anyone. I have a huge heart that has been hurt and gets hurt easily. My biggest fear is that if a good guy does come along, I won’t give him the time of day because of my past experiences. They all seem to say the same things. Do they take some sort of class? Share notes with each other? 

I have wanted nothing more (besides being a mom) than to love and be loved. Immensely. With the same intensity that I give it. I want to have that love that I desire and sometimes want to ignore those little voices that may be telling me something just isn’t quite right. Trusting another person again is hard. 

Let me just tell you that I’m TRYING to learn to listen to my gut. When you feel someone is being dishonest, they probably are. If you feel something isn’t quite right, it probably isn’t. Why do we choose to ignore the voice or this feeling so much? When our kids are sick, or something just doesn’t feel quite right. Shouldn’t we choose to err on the side of caution? 

A few years ago I had this nagging feeling that a family member was suffering from an eating disorder. I had no proof, it was just a “feeling.” It wouldn’t go away, I had to pursue it. I finally prayed to  God if this was true, He needed to reveal it to me beyond the shadow of a doubt. Within a week I had positive proof . 

 My “little voice” has been right more times than not. I know God has a plan for my life. I just need to learn to listen to Him…. To that voice, that feeling. My hope is that all of us women who have that ” inner voice” will learn to listen to it. It’s there for a reason.