Child Loss Faith Grief

My New Normal (Understanding Grief)

My New Normal (Understanding Grief) www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Missy Hillmer

You know what? I will never be the same! This I know for a fact. I started thinking back to how it felt and what I went through during these last two plus years. It made me realize each of us goes through loss differently. We were all created differently so I believe we grieve differently but, yet similarly.

I know it doesn’t really seem right. Think of it this way.  

Similar meaning it’s a loss of a loved one. The difference is we are all at different ages, our personalities are different, some of us are parents some of us are siblings.  We are grieving in different situations, but yet grieving. I have learned grief does not have a recipe that makes it perfect. There are a set of ideas on how grief may affect each of us, but no guarantees we will only go through it once or even get through it.

I remember thinking before Tyler’s accident that my life was pretty good. I never related my life to a special event that happened. But now, a little over 2 years later, everything relates to before or after Tyler’s accident. Why? Well, in my mind it’s because it was a BIG change in my life…the new normal. I really look at life differently. Everything that was a big deal before is very minor. I don’t sweat the small stuff and honestly I don’t even get upset. It’s crazy. 

The first year I would say I existed. I mean I really didn’t feel anything. I can remember going to Walmart with a list, not being able to find items, and not having the energy to look or care. I was very forgetful, seemed like I was in outer space, and many times I really wasn’t thinking of anything.  It was going through the daily motions in a fog.  It’s where you do and hear things but are slow to process and remember. It’s what I call existing.

However, the second year has been more of a struggle for me. I’m sure it’s because the reality of Tyler being gone is becoming more real. I think the first year was a silent hope that he was still at school or practice and was going to walk through the door. The second year brought the reality that Tyler was not coming home and his picture was all I have left.

I know it doesn’t matter what phase of grief you are going through but, you may be feeling similar things. Just know it’s your new normal. There is not a recipe for the perfect combination of grief. We all grieve differently at different times and in different ways. It’s OK to feel what you are feeling or just existing. I know my family, friends and faith are a big part of what gets me through this new normal.  I would not be where I am at today without looking to God for his help. So no matter how hard it seems just know that he is there to help you, all you have to do is ask!

Here’s a scripture I go to: The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalm 28:7

About the author

Missy Hillmer

My name is Missy Hillmer. I’m married, live in a small town named Palmer, NE and have 3 children. Jake is our oldest who is 19 years old and Gracie is 11 who lives here with us. Tyler which was 15 years on August 20, 2013 is now in Heaven. He was killed in a car accident just 3 short days after his 15th birthday.

I am very honest, very real sometimes to the point of not being fun, I guess that’s because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I like to look at the positive in every situation. I really believe there are two ways to look at things. Look for the bad or the good. The “bad” does me no justice and can spiral out of control in a heartbeat. The “good” however gives me hope and it connects with my belief that God is with me through everything.

I believe my faith has gotten me through life and especially since my son’s accident. I pray a lot more, watch for the signs that God gives me, listen to my inner gut feeling, as my husband calls it and really focus on living a simple life. Family means everything to me, I love to laugh and think it’s the best medicine for any problem. Music soothes my sole and being outside in the sun brings me great joy!

I have learned that many times you cannot control the storm in your life but, you can learn to dance in the rain. I really mean it when I say DANCE in the RAIN! The summer before Tyler’s accident, Tyler, Gracie & I danced in the rain. This memory I will never forget!

Since Tyler’s accident I am passionate about telling my story with the hope that it will help or inspire at least one person.