Grief Mental Health/Wellness Suicide

New Mom Takes Her Own Life After Silent Battle With Postpartum Depression: Why All Of Us Must Share Her Friend’s Plea

New Mom Takes Her Own Life After Silent Battle With Post-Partum Depression: Why All Of Us Must Share Her Friend's Plea

Allison was a beautiful ray of sunshine in my life.  The life of an Army wife can get lonely at times – moving around so much, searching for new friends, and trying to make a strange house and new town feel like home.  A mil-spouse herself, Allison knew the struggle, and reached out to my husband the very first weekend we moved a few houses down from her in Montgomery, Alabama.  She invited us on a blind friend date with her and her husband, Justin.  It wasn’t long into our first dinner together that I knew we hit the friend and neighbor jackpot.  It was easy to be drawn to Allison.  She was incredibly witty and had an amazing ability to make everyone around her feel welcome, included, and loved.  I knew we would be lifelong friends.

With both of us expecting our first child, Allison due a few months before me, we had a lot of similar experiences that year in Montgomery.  We shared pregnancy together, eating cupcakes regularly, waddling around the neighborhood, and alternating as the designated driver so our husbands could enjoy drinking for two on the weekends.  Allison’s career as an early childhood educator, coupled with adoration for her niece and nephews, portrayed her love and experience with little ones.  I trusted her baby sense, and copied everything she did.  I chose the same OB group, the same stroller and car seat, even the same nursing tanks and nipple shields.  I wanted to be just like her.  She was adorable, healthy, smart, funny, loyal, supportive, and oh so sweet.  Every time she greeted me with my giant belly, she said, “You look beautiful!”  Of course I didn’t think so when I looked in the mirror, but she made me feel so good.  Allison was a great friend.  She handled pregnancy and motherhood beautifully…on the outside.

Pregnant Mom Receives Heartbreaking Phone Call That Will Change Her Life Forever

On the inside, less than 200 feet away from me every day, Allison was silently struggling with Postpartum Depression.  I had NO idea.  I inquired about her postpartum hormones after baby Ainslee was born.  I bluntly asked her, “Do you feel crazy? Do you cry a lot?”  I wanted to know for myself and prepare for what I would soon be experiencing with the birth of our baby.  She responded that she cries some, but mostly happy tears about Ainslee gaining weight and the appearance of little chunky baby rolls, about how precious she is to her, and what a good father Justin is.  Why didn’t I dig further?  I regret every day that I accepted her answer.

My beautiful would-be life-long friend lost her hidden battle with Postpartum depression on June 28th, 2016.  She left behind a loving husband, a precious 4.5 month-old baby girl, and countless family and friends who adored her.  I miss her every day, and I’m not even her family.  The depth of their pain…I cannot fathom.  Her family’s hope, as well as mine, is that PPD is de-stigmatized, and that other struggling mothers may hear her story and seek help.  The truth can be so hard to speak, especially when you feel your truth is shameful.  There is nothing shameful about PPD.  The adjustment to a new way of life as a mother, added to the raging hormones, can be a brutal weight to bear.  It is a weight that never should be carried alone.

Not every new mother’s journey is happy and bright.  Sometimes it is dark, lonely, scary, miserable, and uncertain.  And the guilt!  The guilt that we self-impose and that society imposes on us is overwhelming.  If our journey as a mother isn’t daisies and butterflies, we feel alienated and ashamed.  There is a rainbow at the end of the PPD storm that is raging for these struggling mamas.  Help is out there in many forms if we just seek it: loving friends, supportive husbands, counselors, support groups, and medication. 

Read more from Her View From Home on Facebook

To all those mothers out there experiencing some of these same feelings: you are not alone, and you are not a bad mother!  PPD is lying to you.  It is twisting your memories, feelings, and beliefs and reshaping them into an overwhelming falsehood.  You will not be judged, only loved, as you seek help.  To those breast-feeding mothers taking Reglan (metoclopramide) to increase milk supply: stop and do research. Reglan has detrimental side effects such as new or worsening depression, suicidal ideation and suicide.  Supplement with formula if needed.  Your baby will be just as perfect and healthy with or without the breast milk.  Having more breast milk is not worth sacrificing your mental health or possibly your life.

Please share Allison’s message with everyone you know, and reach out to those new mamas. Love them through their struggles. Pray for them.  Open up about your own tough experiences as a new mother to make them feel more comfortable and less alienated.  Ask them tough questions over and over again.  I wish I had.

*Editor’s Note – We want to thank Julie for sharing her brave, heartbreaking story.  It is our hope and prayer that this message will save another life.  Thank you for your support.  For more stories from the heart, visit us on Facebook.  

Resources and information for PPD:

http://www.postpartumprogress.com

http://www.postpartum.net

http://kellymom.com/bf/can-i-breastfeed/meds/prescript_galactagogue/

http://www.postpartumva.org

Twenty-four hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

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About the author

Julie Anne Waterfield

I’m a native of Georgia, currently living in Washington. I’m an Army wife, mother to a new baby girl, and a pharmacist.

  • Nina

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend <3 Much love and prayers for you all.

  • Thank you for sharing your friend’s story. My hope is we talk more about mental health – you are never, ever alone. Hugs and prayers to you!

  • Stephanie Spor Gilbert

    My heart breaks for you and all of her friends and family! I hope this message will encourage someone else out there struggling to seek help.

  • Nicole Morse

    Thank you for sharing this story, as difficult as it must have been to write. It is truly heartbreaking. I pray that struggling moms will hear this story and get help.

  • Jenn Pine

    7 years ago, I had my baby girl and was elated, I was 34 and never thought of being a mom, especially with a high risk pregnancy and testing that goes with being pregnant. It was everything I dreamed being a mommy would be. I clearly remember my doctor asking me if I had any concerns before I had my bundle of joy. I said “postpartum.” The office just chuckled, before you get upset, my doctor got to know me since week 7. I’m happy-go-lucky, caring, compassionate, loves to have fun so when I even uttered postpartum they thought I was insane for thinking that.
    My husband was laid off 10 days after our daughter was born, what a blow right. Who wouldn’t feel depressed. I shared this with my friend and she told me to see my doctor.
    Six weeks later, I walked into the doctor’s office, unannounced, crying. The staff was concerned, and told me to come right back. I assured them I didn’t/wouldn’t hurt my baby but this feeling didn’t feel like me.
    With some medicine, friends and family support I began to feel better. This is real.
    New moms are embarrassed to admit anything wrong, be there for your friend, sister, wife, daughter etc. We want you, more than you think.

    • Sonya Melton

      It is so real!

  • Leslie Baker Dews

    Poor baby. I’ll give you some attention. Jesus loves you. 😘

  • Moonbeam

    What a horrible comment. I hope you never go through anything like this, or maybe you need to so you actually grow a soul.

  • AngelaF8

    What is wrong with you? You are not funny and your post is incorrigible. Heartless and cruel. I will pray for you.

    • Sanja Geise

      If someone makes a crummy comment don’t pray for them. They’re not worth it.

  • AngelaF8

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss and for her family. People need to be more educated and understanding of this illness. Please don’t be hard on yourself for not knowing, it seems she hid it very well. She wanted to be strong and happy. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

  • michelleglauser

    Here’s another resource: http://theemilyeffect.org/

    • Julie Anne Waterfield

      That’s a great resource that I didn’t know about. Thank you. My heart goes out to Emily’s husband and children. Such a tragedy.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Emily ‘s tragedy did not have to do with PPD either other than it was used as an excuse to give her an antidepressant – drugs that according to the package inserts on them cause psychosis TEN TIMES more frequently than Postpartum does. This family has also been lied to about what has taken her life.

  • Sonya Melton

    Thank you for sharing this story. I went through it myself. In the African American community it is almost never discussed. I started a non profit and a blog to do what you just did…start a conversation.
    ipressonmovement.org

    • Elizabeth Muchiri

      You have such a high level of ignorance JOBO. I also admire your level of “literacy”. As an Advance Practice Nurse, let me educate you- any body can get PPD regardless of whether one has a husband or not, education or not (My friend, a registered nurse suffered from PPD). None of the things that you mentioned above are a requisite for PPD. You really need to educate yourself. All what Sonya is talking about is a forum where people can connect and feel that they are not alone. Its very important, and not unless you or someone close have gone through PPD, you will not understand the reality of it.
      And FYI, am African American, single by choice, 2 children, a highly educated professional, and with a very satisfactory career.

      • Sonya Melton

        Hi Elizabeth! Sometimes you have to choose your battles. So many people are so unaware of the history of this country both past and present. African Americans only make up 13% of the population. Some people don’t understand just how few of us there are in the country. Perspective is everything. And we have to appreciate the ignorance of others because they haven’t had the advantage of being properly educated. Don’t take someone else’s ignorance personally.

      • abedabun dawn

        My friend brought her baby (around 5 months of age, I really dont remember) to me one day, She handed me the baby and diaper bag and said, dont talk to me, I have to go. and she left. Her mom came and got the baby later that day. I told her how her daughter just dropped the baby off without asking if I could babysit and left in a hurry. She said she “ran away” for a few hrs. As it turned out, my friend was having terrible thoughts and felt she had to get away from the baby for a little while because she was afraid she would hurt it. Luckily her family was able to get her the help she needed. Over the years, I have thought about that day a lot. I still cannot think of any red flags that I should have seen.

    • Sonya Melton

      Hi! Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely right African-Americans really don’t have anything to be depressed about. But, there is a difference between being depressed and having depression…. and I would know because I experienced it, not because I have multiple degrees.

    • jerabisar

      Regardless of the color of your skin, PPD is looked at as shameful. And it isn’t talked about. You’re supposed to be happy to be a new mom. But it isn’t always the truth. I had terrible PPD with my first child.

  • Sonya Melton

    I missed the deleted comment. And I’m sure it warranted being removed. But I will say this…sometimes when I approach people about my non profit and blog about depression, I get met with harsh criticism. And you know what, that’s okay. Why? Because we had a conversation that might not have otherwise taken place. Sometimes… It’s not about the response, it’s about the conversation.

  • Jennie

    It is never discussed. I had it. I called my mom. She said hunny, go ask for help. I went tothe hospital and asked. I had no issues and no regrets. Im good now. But you have to ask for help. Anyone who needs to talk to someone, no judgement, message me.

    • AnnBlakeTracy

      She took the drug that caused her suicide not for PPD, but to produce milk for her baby. This situation is not about PPD which is generally hypoglycemia anyway.

      • Teach2020

        Many women suffer from PPD that have not taken that drug, so please don’t minimize it. There is no way to tell if she would have had PPD without the drug. I do understand the increase of suicidal thought associated with some medications, but ‘causation’ is a stretch. My oldest is 41 and I still remember the depression no one knew about after he was born, and I wasn’t taking anything. I didn’t experience it with my second child.

  • Jennifer Negles

    PPD is scary and real, no one should feel alone and afraid to seek help! I was about 7 months PP before I broke down and asked my doctor for help, I was ashamed at how I felt and I wanted more than anything to be okay and to not feel distant from my son… PPD can start to happen anytime after birth and Now at a year PP I’m still dealing with PPD with the help of medication and to be honest there are still really hard days, but please, please, PLEASE if you feel down, agitated, stressed please seek help even if it’s just some advice! I know I am a stranger but if you need someone to talk to I would not mind if it meant helping a mother in need!

  • Al

    It’s important to ask – was your friend prescribed drugs to treat it? Because if so, they might be the cause. Not to downplay PPD – it’s a very serious issue. But sometimes the medicine we use to treat our symptoms is more dangerous than the problem itself.

    • Raichu

      That is both true and not true. Antidepressants are for many people very helpful in the long run, but in the short run it is critical to carefully monitor their effects. For some people and some medications, before they boost your mood, they boost your motivation, which can prompt people to act on suicidal urges they’ve had before. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

      I don’t think you’re doing this necessarily, but just wanting to make sure – antidepressants are a very GOOD thing for many people and I don’t think people should be discouraged from trying them. But they should be done under careful supervision of a physician and hopefully also a counselor. And not everyone can benefit from every drug, either.

      • shelleybams

        Excellent and accurate response. We should not demonize medications that have yielded healthy minds to many! It the responsibility of everyone near the patient, as well as the patient, to monitor side effects, mood, behavior and implement necessary protection.

      • Al

        Not an accurate response. The only studies showing efficacy superior to placebos came from drug companies. The risks attached are extremely high. Kids who take them are 3x more likely to commit suicide. Adults have been shown to be 2-4x more likely to commit suicide when compared to a placebo as well. They’re also more prone to violent episodes against others.

        They have never been tested for safety in extended use or approved for it. Extended use however is known to cause brain damage, so no, they are not very helpful in the long run for anyone.

        More over studies have shown those who take anti depressants are much more likely to relapse into depression than those who do not when being treated for the condition.

        There’s literally no good research supporting their use. None.

      • Allison

        AL, I would love to carefully read these peer-reviewed studies with these stats you speak of. While I’m blessed to have not experienced PPD myself, several women in my life have and a couple of them credit antidepressants with literally saving their lives. Of course, I recognize that that’s anecdotal evidence. I seriously question your stats but I’m willing to read anything you present (that’s scientifically supported, of course). Could you provide references please?

      • Jodyie Lanser

        Please take advice from your doctor or mental health professional. The only person who can tell you what is helping is you! Studies, or peer reviewed articles can be confusing. Talk, listen and talk some more. PPD is about you not what someone tells you. The way you feel, think or act is not right or wrong. I understand how upsetting it is to not know why everything feels wrong when it is supposed to be so right. It’s not about definitions or who says what is what. Talk to your doctor, ask for help till you start feeling better. It does get better. ♡

      • Allison

        Love this reply. Totally true. Thanks Jodyie!

      • Al

        My experience with psychiatrists is that they are mostly cranks. They are sort of a stain on the field of medicine that seriously discredits much other work done by actual doctors who use actual diagnostic techniques with objectively measurable results. When you’re told your brain chemicals are out of balance, do they test this? Of course not, because it’s not realistic and they’re literally talking out of their asshole…

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Here is a link to support the statement bin shooters Al … a long list of school shootings documenting the antidepressant use in each of them…. http://www.drugawareness.org/ssri-nightmares/school-shootings/

      • katie5280

        Just because they were given them doesn’t mean they took them. They could have been flushing them daily for all you know.

      • Al

        Unlikely given they had complete psychotic breaks and no history to believe they would do these kinds of things. Kids who are violent have very long histories of violence. They don’t just go randomly shoot up schools out of nowhere without outside influence. Those influences almost 100% of the time are drugs, or withdrawl from drugs.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Katie5280 have you ever heard of toxicology being done in autopsy? That does prove the individual had the drug in their system and at what level.

      • Nemesister

        I agree that getting off these meds are a huge problem. Everytime I hear of such a horrific shooting, I ask “I wonder what meds they were getting off of, or changing?’
        It’s like ‘roid rage. Getting of steroids, also very dangerous.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Yes you are right and the reason for that is the strong steroid response these antidepressants have with only one single dose shown to double one’s cortisol level – ironically the hormone in which increases indicate both stress and depression!

      • Nemesister

        What brain chemicals should they test for? How do they test the levels? Which levels are normal? and normal for you? They don’t know!! Hopefully, in time, science will discover all this information. You keep forgetting the personal responsibility part of this. Like Jodyie said, you have the best knowledge about youirself, it is NOT up to some dr to ‘fix’ you. They are there to help, the best they can. It would be like giving a weight loss med, and the fat, lazy person expecting to be skinny and healthy within a certain period of time without changing behavior,, eating habits, and exercising. Look inside, you seem to still be struggling–you definately need to address this and work through this. It isobvious you are still angry, and it is affecting your life. Move on, forgive,

      • Sonya Melton

        This is why this conversation is important. People who have never experienced PPD or clinical depression are the ones who will help to remove the stigma.

      • Nicnac

        Your statement is so true. As someone who suffered with PPD I know first hand who I was pre and post baby. I know what I and those around me suffered before I started medication. I am a Registered Nurse and didn’t realize I had PPD. It’s easy for some to talk about what they think is best but to actually walk through the fire is a whole different ball game. Keeping communication open and asking questions is a must so new moms don’t feel alienated. The thoughts and feelings you deal cannot be put into words! So if medication is what is needed I’m all for it and I know in my practice depression is something I talk to my patients about because it is real and only of you have truly experienced it do you understand it

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Allison you are more than welcome to look at my book for the info you are requesting from Al. I have spent 25 years specializing in antidepressants. I have presented to the FDA at every hearing they have had on these drugs, the Danish Parliament and the British Parliament as well as working court cases involving the drugs for 25 years now. I have built a searchable database of tragedies produced by these drugs http://www.SSRIstories.NET where you will see that nearly every school shooter we know of was taking an antidepressant at the time of the shooting. My book Prozac: Panacea or Pandora? has 21 pages just of references to medical research stating what Al has just told you. It seems if you want to know of the safety of these drugs you need to read court testimony where these people are under oath. Our website with more info than you will find anywhere else on the drugs is http://www.drugawareness.org. Please watch your loved ones closely. You have no idea the thoughts these drugs are placing in their heads! You would not believe the things I have heard over the years!

      • Aphie81

        Ann, thank you for sharing this information. I look forward to reading about it. I have had both negative and positive effects on different antidepressants so I am a bit on the fence with this subject. I am currently not on anything for my bipolar disorder and severe anxiety except for Buspar for the panic attack disorder because I did not want to take a benzo class medication any longer but the extent of my anxiety problems were making me have cardiac issues and I have perfect cardiac health so the Buspar was really an option option for me and I was glad that it seems to help now though it took quite a bit of time to be effective. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

      • Nemesister

        I think this is important, and there does need to be more studies, and risks more clearly stated and understood. That does not mean these medications are ALL bad. They helped me tremendously for my PPD. It was not a longterm issue.

      • Nikki McNeil

        great point, but perhaps demonizing the use of all drugs on an article about PPD is not the place for it.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Allison you can find all of what Al is telling you on our website at http://www.drugawareness.org or just Google it.

      • Lanna Lane

        They saved my life. I think you chose the studies that fit your agenda.

      • Al

        I think you experienced a placebo effect. A sugar pill would have done the same.

        https://chriskresser.com/the-dark-side-of-antidepressants/

        There’s a great list of some studies in that blog. And there are a lot of them referenced.

        Or you could just google “Lancet study finds SSRI’s ineffective”.

      • Nemesister

        So, you were one of the people who experienced a lsited side effect? Does that make it unusable for anyone else? Also, you did need to use the medication (even though it is no more effective than a placebo, so you wouldn’t kill yourself. I’m confused in your preaching. I am sorry you experienced that, does not make you an expert, Or the dr. wrong for intially trying to help. There is also the responsibility we must all take for helping ourselves, facing our flaws, losses, limitation, and making it better by dealing with them, reaching out to others, risking relationships again, eating healthy, exercising, therapy, friends, hobbies, etc. I also hate to be the one (not really), that ALL of us have a shit story to tell. (I believe there are a few exceptions in this world, but rate). Most people know have a severe degree of dysfunction. And have had a huge obsticle(s), to overcome. Still working on mine.

      • Al

        The medication set me back years. As did the fact the person diagnosing me could not properly diagnose me with Autism. I had to do that myself and then got a formal diagnosis. She was a quack. She lied to me because she knew I was a bit hesitant about the drugs she was prescribing. She informed my parents (I was 18) illegally that it was the drugs I was taking that caused this problem and didn’t bother to inform me. No, she did not do anything right and the drugs did nothing to help. It took me many years to figure out everything for myself.

        I never said I was an expert. But I am accurately reporting reality to you. You are giving dangerous and bad advice. Stop doing it. These drugs kill people all the time. Including those who aren’t taking them.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Al good for you! I am amazed at your ability to stand up to this onslaught of drug defending I see so often from those who have no idea they can escape from these deadly drugs IF THEY WEAN SLOWLY ENOUGH TO AVOID THE WITHDRAWAL FROM HELL THRSE DRUGS PRODUCE! But what you need to understand is that antidepressants CAUSE Autism. We even have a Facebook group titled “Antidepressant-Induced Autism.” How do they do this? Simple. Autism has long been known to be a condition of elevated serotonin which is also why a mother taking an antidepressant before the birth of her child is increasing the baby’s chances of Autism by triple the average rate. When you impair the ability to metabolize serotonin (which is what serotonin reuptake is) with an antidepressant you are creating Autism. Look at the science and then add Autism to your list of antidepressant side effects. And if you want to contact me there may still be a way for you to do something legally about the damage you have suffered.

      • shelleybams

        Oh Ann! If the likes of you ever condoned my words or actions, I would have to do some serious soul searching. Poor Al.

      • Orangecoke

        Same here. And no, it’s not a placebo effect for pete’s sake.

      • Al

        Yeah, it is. Says the science which suggests sugar pills are as effective and less dangerous. If you ever recommend someone take them, you better realize you’re putting their life on the line for literally no reason.

      • Orangecoke

        No, I’ve taken them for many years, so I speak from a wealth of personal experience. It’s actually more dangerous to tell someone who needs them NOT to take them. Irresponsible. Your mind is made up obviously, but I’ve lived with AND without them for most of my adult life and I know you are wrong, period. Saying sugar pills would work just as good is mostly just insulting to the people who need them – so, thanks for that. And causing people who need help to second guess the help they need.

        They are no walk in the park by any means and have lots of nasty side-effects. Dosage matters a LOT. Too much is definitely going to be zombie-ville. It took a long time to find the right amount that was enough to stop the self-destructive thoughts but stay “normal” feeling.

        But when I went off them, the voices/images telling me to kill myself slowly came back until they were pretty much constant. When I went back on, the voices slowly stopped. It can’t be a placebo because for one thing it takes weeks to take effect, and there’s no conscious change in behavior on my end. It’s not like I decide to stop having my hands shake the next day or something. You don’t NOTICE it working until one day you just realize it’s working because you don’t want to kill yourself. A sugar pill will not do that. It won’t.

        The berserk behavior you experienced was YOUR experience. That doesn’t make it reality for everyone else.

      • Al

        You have no evidence supporting you case. Placebo does the same thing. Every non drug company study financed supports as much. Your anecdote is worthless and dangerous.

      • Laurie

        Did you partake of that ‘fake’ acid Perhaps?

      • Nemesister

        So, Al, how do create that placebo affect for women who are truly suffering? Have you ever had post-partum?
        You are actually killing someone by suggestion that its all in there head, and they can make it better themsielves.
        What is your personal experience, do you get high on fake acid when you feel like getting high? How about an appetite suppressant? Do you just think yourself thin,, or if a guy–bulked out, without exercising? I can assume then, that you are the picture of mental and physical health??

      • elizabeth626

        Please don’t take this very, VERY important discussion off track with your own anti-pharma agenda.People suffering with VERY REAL major depression, pp or otherwise, need to help of a competent physician, possibly the appropriate drug or drugs for a time, and most importantly, tons of support.

      • katie5280

        I’m an intelligent woman and I know my own body. Certain antidepressants gave my my life back and got me to the point where I was able to resume life as my old self. I know when a med is working and when one isn’t, and I would certainly know that a sugar pill wasn’t doing any good.

      • Laurie

        It can be very helpful to hear options and experiences from others- except those who insist only their opinion is valid.

      • Al

        Hey Laurie – there’s this thing called truth. It is not subjective and your experience is nothing but a worthless anecdote (your feels have no baring on the truth, which is that SSRI’s are some of the most dangerous medicine that exists and they don’t even work). Giving terrible advice to people that could kill them is a bad idea. Sue me for pointing it out.

        http://reset.me/story/study-antidepressants-no-better-than-placebo/

      • Connie Kley

        YOU saved your life!!!

      • Nikki McNeil

        They saved my life too.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Wrong. It took 20 years to discover the studies the drug makers hid which showed what Al is telling you. They reported only those with a positive outcome and hid the negative ones. Go to our website DrugAwareness.org and learn from the doctor whose discovery made antidepressants possible (she sat on our board until her death three years ago) and learn from the doctor who has admitted he BRIBED, yes, he bought, the approval of the SSRI antidepressants and is haunted by those lives he knows have been lost because of it.

      • shelleybams

        Studies by Whole Foods and USC, no doubt.

      • Nemesister

        hahah!

      • Nemesister

        Al, are you a guy?? Just curious.

      • Al

        Yes why is this relevant?

      • Nemesister

        How do you make yourself get a pacebo affect? Why don’t the doctors then prescribe a placebo.

      • Al

        You can’t do it to yourself so easily. Doctors sometimes do prescribe placebos (sugar pills), especially to people who are neurotic.

        http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20081023/50percent-of-doctors-give-fake-prescriptions#1

      • Al

        Doctors prescribe placebos all the time. All the time. I wouldn’t be surprised if half the people reporting the wonderous effects of these drugs are in fact on a placebo themselves.

        And yeah, pharmacies stock them. And yes, they can work.

      • Julie Anne Waterfield

        Hi Al, respectfully, pharmacies don’t stock placebo pills and doctors don’t prescribe them. I’m a pharmacist myself, and truthfully, that does not happen.

      • Al

        http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20081023/50percent-of-doctors-give-fake-prescriptions#1

        Respectfully, you’re wrong. I also have many doctors in my family. More than one has prescribed a placebo.

      • Furious Strong

        I’ve been on over a dozen different meds for depression and anxiety. A lot of them have been no better than placebos (or worse, with the side effects), but 3 of them have been wonder drugs for me. How would that happen if it was just the placebo effect at play? Plus, I was resistant to even trying them in the first place, thanks to people like you telling me it was in all my head, that pills are only for “crazy” people, or that I was too young to be taking them (I was 19 the first time, but I continued hearing this until I was 25).

      • Nikki McNeil

        Don’t completely demonize drugs, because you never know who you are hurting. They have their place.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Raichu antidepressants DO NOT save lives! They take them and rob people of their souls – even Dr. Peter Kramer admits that in his book Listening to Prozac. He goes on to say they take molehills in your life and turns them into mountains! That would make anyone feel better???? I have specialized in these drugs for a quarter of a century now. Every high profile shooting over the past three decades were caused by these drugs. Here is the database I and my group have put together documenting this http://www.SSRIstories.NET But you don’t need to take it from just me or Al, here is a statement by my good friend, Dr. Candace Pert, whose discovery made antidepressants possible: http://www.drugawareness.org/i-am-alarmed-at-the-monster-ssrisnri-antidepressants-i-created-dr-candace-pert/

      • longtimecancernurse

        They do save many lives. As a nurse practitioner and someone who treats and has a family where many suffer from depression–they absolutely DO! The correlation with shootings just might be that those commit shootings are more likely to have a mental health disorder. When properly prescribed for the proper dx-they save lives every single day.

      • Al

        You prescribe these drugs and don’t even know the side effects. You are a scary individual.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        That is the exact same story the head of Eli Lillys science departement told their own scientists to use to explain why they found Prozac to be causing suicide and had grave concerns. We have used that memo in the wrongful death cases for years now. If you are going to recommend these drugs why don’t you learn something about them so I do not have SO MANY murder and suicide cases involving a nurse practioner as the prescriber!

      • Nemesister

        Just prozac? All antidepressants? anti-anxieties? There is more to this than what is being talked about it. What about those meds did help?? Those don’t count because the evil CEO of Ell Lily brings them up? It is not black and white. This is a totally new science. It would be like saying at the beginning of the science–surgeries are totally bad because most people die after it, mostly due to infections (they didn’t know about sterilization, and all body functions, and anatomy). Sure glad they didn’t give it up totally–some people really benefit from surgeries!!

      • Donna Pitts

        And of course you have to pay a mere $30.00 to get all the info…

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Incredible deal for 25 years worth of research! More information on serotonin and its effects upon the body you can find anywhere on the planet. And how much do you pay just for about 5 minutes with your drug pushing doctor who will disappear as soon as you begin having serious reactions to your antidepressant?

      • Aphie81

        I was impressed until I realized that this is all just sales pitch for your “research” and then shooting back with how much do you pay a pill pushing doctor is a ridiculous reply. I am thoroughly disappointed! 😒

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Alphie81 where did I ever say those 21 pages of references were to MY research? It is a compilation of the research on serotonin so that you can see what we know about the effects of increasing serotonin – the kinds of information presented in court cases filed for damages. Increasing serotonin produces much damage throughout the body. Here is just one example of that kind of information from Dr. Mercola on the damaging effects upon the heart, bones, and brain: http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/04/14/antidepressants-cause-heart-disease.aspx

      • Aphie81

        Thanks for posting that!! I won’t even bother to go look now because all the bluster is nothing more than a sales pitch. Is there anything at all that people won’t try to make a fast buck on anymore??! Good grief!! 😬

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        If you think this is a sales pitch you know very little about marketing because this is NOT the way to do it! Anyone who knows me knows the amount of sacrifice this has been costing me everything, including my home that I mortgaged over and over again to make this available to those who need it. Did you look at any of these cases in this list? http://www.SSRI stories.NET I have personally worked with so many of these families going through these drug-induced nightmares helping them to understand what happened to them and their loved ones. THAT and that alone has been my motivation! If the motivation was to merely sell some book why would I still be trying to help people this many years later?

      • Nemesister

        What ia the solution? stop all pharma’s from dispensing medications? Stop all people who need help from trying anything??? How about people make decisions for themselves and work with thier dr to find a solution.. How about pushing for more studies, and information to be put out there by the big companies? Instead of trying to solve this yourself?

      • Nemesister

        Hahaha!

      • Nemesister

        Which meds? how much? other issues addrssed? Other mental health issues, other than PPD, abusive/neglectful childhood? Too many factors. Yes, they are dangerous, and require MUCH more studies, and controlled trials. It is wrong to state they are bad for women suffering ppd. I am a classic case of it really helped me, and I didn’t kill anyone. I did go through a lot, and it took the edge off.

  • Briannna

    I am truly sorry for your loss. It is such a tragedy. I had PPD with my first. It was awful. And your right “the guilt” was the worst…the guilt of not being able to breastfeed…the guilt of crying over having a baby…the guilt of wishing your life was the way before even though you don’t mean it…the guilt of putting a comically baby down and walking away because for some reason you cannot console her…the guilt of not being able to console her. i dealt with it silently for a while. My mother told me I should just be happy that I have a beautiful healthy baby… More guilt. It is very real. Eventually I got through although I’m not sure how. I did go on to have 2 more children. I was fine with my second because I told the doctor what happened last time and I was prescribed a proper anti depressant before I gave birth. I ended up with severe depression during the third pregnancy and I sought help. Luckily there was a day program that dealt such issues.

    Don’t stay silent and real if you are not alone. I always try to remember when I negative speak to myself that am I not so unique to be the only person in the world to think like this. Chances are other people have had the same thoughts. And guilt is your enemy.

    • Al

      SSRI’s have not been tested in pregnant women… jesus doctors are unbelievable.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Yes Al and I just shared with the British Parliament the horrific birth defects these children have – many lifelong issues. Luckily the way court cases are going, not only drug makers, but these doctors will pay for what they are doing to these children!

      • longtimecancernurse

        because they don’t ever test meds during pregnancy. the data is extrapolated from those who were on it during pregnancy. I can say I have had MANY pregnant patients whose children turned out just fine while they remained on an SSRI. Do we advise them not to take them–yes–! Have I tapered them down–sure. But if someone gets pregnant on them, it is a balance between minimizing the potential effects to the mom and balancing the needs of the child.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        The children turned out fine? You mean at birth? But you and I both know the effects upon the brain do not show up for years later. Flood a developing brain with serotonin that mimics LSD and watch out! What we are facing I do not want to witness any more of because the tip of this iceberg is a nightmare beyond belief!!!

  • lv2laf

    Very sad story. My sympathies for the loss of your dear friend. I agree that support and openness is crucial.

    My doctor prescribed Estradiol cream to be applied topically to the vaginal area to correct hormonal imbalances quickly without interfering with breast milk. I felt like myself again within just two days of use. Discontinued use after two weeks with no relapse as hormone production was back to normal.

  • Susie Tincknell Smith

    My father-in-law died after spending 4 weeks in ICU when I was 22 weeks pregnant. I was with my mother-in-law everyday in the waiting room waiting for our 5 minutes every hour to visit him. People were asking me how far overdue I was. Three weeks later I learned we were having twins. We already had a son 7 years old and a daughter 4 years old. So rather than taking the time to grieve I had to prepare for the unexpected arrival of two babies. My labor began at 36 weeks with a large hemorrhage and passing a grapefruit sized clot. Twin A was born with Apgars of 5 and 4. The next day I had a tubal ligation under general anesthesia and was told I was quite combative. We all came home on day 3 postpartum. Both babies developed bilirubins of 22 and had to be put under the light at home, taking turns, two hours in, two hours out, plus I had to pump and discard my breast milk. How many red flags does one person need to be identified as high risk for postpartum depression? But I kept my tears to myself. I developed a very specific plan for how I was going to end my life and take my two babies with me, because what horrible mother would leave a father with four young children to raise by himself? But I told no one. I sadly say I had the longest case of postpartum depression on record, because I didn’t get help until 7 years later. By the grace of God I was able to keep my head above water well enough to function and to keep my children safe. Postpartum depression should be discussed with every woman before she delivers and again at her postpartum check up. Obstetricians need to focus on all aspects of a woman’s life, not just her pregnancy. And women need to know that it is ok to share their scariest of feelings.

    • Carolyn

      why isn’t PP a standard discussion initiated by doctors??
      I suffer from depression /anxiety (meds mostly help, thankfully), never PP, but the fact that this happens to so many women and they don’t know they’re not alone and that there is help breaks my heart.
      I’m so sorry for your and everyone’s struggles and loss, and so proud and grateful for everyone who made it through. <3

    • Katie

      Seven years is a long time. I’ve been on and off SSRIs about 10 years. After having my daughter, I told my OB, she told me to talk to someone else – a GP or psych. I didn’t have either at that time, just an Rx and no insurance.
      I was lucky I had family to help out and I knew the symptoms already. I feel so bad for women who are written off so easily. Even though she knew of my history and that I dosed down for my pregnancy… She really did not care.

      • Aphie81

        I went through something similar 💖

    • Tracy Doverspike

      Thank you for sharing that part of your life. I wish more doctors would listen to a new mom when they’re asking for help. After we lost our twins I was a mess and no one would believe me. They just thought I was grieving,I know I was, but I didn’t want to live and felt like a failure. My doctor told me ro rest and try and have another baby. One baby died at 28 weeks and then we lost her sister in the NICU at one month old. It will remain the worst part of my life. I found support groups online and did my own research as to why we lost “healthy” twins. We have two amazing sons now, 13 and 10, but that journey wasn’t easy either. All of my pregnancies have been stressful and high risk. More support is needed.

    • Aphie81

      God bless you and thank you for sharing such a personal story for others to see. I absolutely commend you on your openness and honesty and strength, and I am so thankful that you made it through to share your story with others like me. 💖

  • Momof3misses

    Thank you for sharing this story. How awful for you, her husband and baby girl. I think we women think we have to suffer in silence. I find it interesting that she mentioned she cried when her baby gained weight. I wonder if that was true. Social media was not around when I had my first two children and I am so thankful for that given the way social media can hide what is really going on in someone’s lives. I suffered post partum depression with my second child and my family was not very supportive. My mother’s go to was always, “no one in our family ever had ….” How awful is that? I hope that we can continue to support one another without judgement and teach the next generation that there isn’t anything wrong with admitting you are in pain, need help or are suffering. Hugs to you for the pain you must be feeling.

  • Lorri M Connard

    A very real and frightening condition for many women including myself.My symptoms didn’t begin until I had my first period 8 months after giving birth (due to nursing). I had no idea what was going on. I felt happy and absolutely fine before that. It felt like the floor collapsed out from under me and I slid into a deep, dark hole.I sought medical treatment but probably the wrong kind for me as it was not very effective.
    Mostly, I just white knuckled through it and it was terribly draining and disheartening physically, mentally and emotionally. We planned for this child! There were no extraneous reason(s) as to why I experienced the horrible,lingering depression. PPD was one of these reasons I did not go on to have any more children despite wanting one more. This was my third child and I had lost my second child to a chromosomal abnormality.I always wanted to have three kids. I was told that each subsequent pregnancy would worsen the PPD. My heart goes out to this woman and her remaining family. So very sad indeed. Let’s not let PPD be the “best” kept secret of postpartum and hide in shame anymore!

  • Chelsey

    Thank you so much for sharing this story!
    My son was about 7 months and when i couldn’t figure out why i constantly felt like i was in a “black hole” i talked to my mom about it. Then i started having these extremely horrible nightmares and realized i needed help! My mom was my absolute savior! Taking my hand at 24 years old and walking through every step with me to get help.
    I felt as though i couldn’t tell anyone, that they would look at me like i was crazy. So luckily i am extremely close with my mom to open up to her, because i was extremely scared of myself and didn’t know where to start.
    In the end though, my fiance, my friends and my family were very supportive. If i didn’t have such amazing people in my life, I’m not sure what would of happened.
    So i am a strong believer when you say to get help! Reach out and talk to someone. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not just you, you are not alone!

  • Nataliah0512

    I actually noticed PPD the next day after giving birth and after 2 weeks I could not take it anymore, so I walked in my room alone broke down and told everything I felt in my heart to God and I swear the very next day it was gone.

  • AnnBlakeTracy

    Julie as a pharmacist you and I both know that Alison did NOT die because of Postpartum Depression if she was taking Reglan. From her families description of what happened it is clear that Alison died from an adverse reaction to this deadly drug! This family deserves to know the truth! Her baby daughter needs to know that her mother did NOT choose to leave her! This suicidal ideation is a compulsion brought on by an adverese reaction to this drug. In the prescribing information on Reglan it clearly states under psychiatric side effects: Frequency not reported: Mental depression with suicidal ideation/suicide, anxiety, agitation, mania, psychosis, severe dysphoria, obsessive rumination.

    You know how drug companies water down the side effects by listing them this was and then to say “Frequency not reported” ….WHY? Because the rate is so high that no patient would take their drug? This family needs to file a wrongful death case for the loss of their loved one! They need to fight for the truth she can no longer fight for herself.

    I have worked these wrongful death cases for 25 years now along with criminal cases all caused by antidepressants which produce those same side effects and it sickens me to see Allison’s life mean so little that the truth of her deaht is being twisted like this when what happened to her could save many, many lives if they are giving this drug to produce breast milk?!!!!! You have to be kidding me! This drug was introduced by the same drug company who cursed the world with Redux of the Fen-Phen nightmare that killed and damaged so many! Now it has been bought by a drug maker who was found guilty of racketeering (RICO) in 2010 for encouraging doctors to prescribe one of their drugs for what it was not
    FDA approved and they did so even after being given a half a billion fine for the same thing five years earlier.

    Allison’s depression was brought on by this drug and so was her suicide. I cannot imagine the hell she must have gone through to the extent that she could explain to no one because she had no idea it was coming from a drug she was taking to produce more milk for her baby!!!! Seriously…look at that list again: Frequency not reported: Mental depression with suicidal ideation/suicide, anxiety, agitation, mania, psychosis, severe dysphoria, obsessive rumination ….as she went into those reactions (which her actions demonstrate she clearly did) it had to be a hell on earth to go through!

    • Al

      Yup… great post. I’ve seen numbers as high as 7% of patients suffer psychotic episodes on some of these drugs.

    • Betsy Goulet

      AnnBlake Tracy and Julie – I came across this tragic story today and felt compelled to write. My name is Betsy and I am a mother of four and grandmother of 7. In 2008 my doctor prescribed Reglan for IBS. I was thrilled with how it worked for my digestive issues but within a matter of weeks, I became someone I couldn’t recognize. All of the joy in my life had disappeared, or so I believed. My daughter was getting married and I could barely crawl out of bed. I never laughed or smiled and most days, I curled up on the bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up. Had I not said something to my sister, an RN, I probably would have gone off the deep end in a very permanent way. Talking to her one day in desperation I asked her what could be wrong – whether it might be menopause and if so, if there were any medications I could take to feel like myself again. I’ll never forget her question – “are you still taking Reglan?” I said yes and what does that have to do with anything? She emphatically implored me to stop immediately. In her decades as a post partum nurse she had seen many new moms suffer from the immediate effects of Reglan and knew what I was experiencing was a frightening, debilitating depression. I stopped taking it immediately and my life was restored – I hope Allison’s family can learn what really happened to her – there are hundreds of blogs about Reglan on the internet and lawsuits abound. It is poison, pure and simple. I now have it listed on my “allergy list” so I do not receive it after any surgery (it is routinely given intraveneously to prevent post-surgical nausea) My heart is broken for Allison’s family and friends and I pray that our medical providers finally wake up to this hideous drug – not a single doctor I spoke to believed what happened to me was related to the Reglan, I am sorry to say.

      • AnnBlakeTracy

        Betsy thank you so much for sharing! This is info that has long needed to come out about this drug and because you have are your post public I will share with others as a warning along with Alison’s tragic and senseless tragedy. This drug needs to be pulled from the market as I thought it had a decade and a half ago when the LA Times wrote a very damning piece on it. Feel free to friend me on Facebook for more info on similar drugs with similar reactions. A drug that can produce suicide or homicide should NEVER carry a label of “safe and effective”! The FDA needs to go the job we pay them to do. With all these deadly drugs out now it is obvious that Pharma is paying them more! And Gwen Olsen, the EX-Pharma rep whose family I assisted when her medical student niece on the antidepressant, Effexor, set herself on fire to committed suicide will second that statement!

  • Angela

    I applaud this story. Thanks for doing this in your beloved friend’s memory. I, too, have a story and have published it here:
    https://www.amazon.com/Insanitys-Shoes-Running-Postpartum-Psychosis/dp/1495411796/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473173369&sr=8-1&keywords=Insanity%27s+shoes

    • Julie Anne

      Angela, you are so brave! I just purchased your book and look forward to reading it. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Elizabeth Muchiri

    This is a very sad story.. It really didn’t have to end like that, but sadly, there are many women who struggle with PPD in the society without any help. I work as a postpartum registered nurse and care for moms and babies in the hospital before discharge. These moms struggle with so much…breastfeeding, lack of sleep, change of lifestyle, fatigue, and some even family pressures. There is not much support for them and sometimes their struggles may go unnoticed. I don’t know about other countries and cities, but I know that in Ontario, Canada, most cities have a program by public health that supports families. We nurses screen patients before discharging them home, and if they consent, we fax their info to public health, who call them after discharge home and arrange follow up is needed. If I have a patient who is a first time mother, I always advice them to consent since they never know what would happen after they got home. I also provide them with contact numbers for resources out there for mothers. Although not every hospital follows up, I once worked in a hospital where we would call mothers a few days after discharge to see how they were coping. I think follow up is very important. I feel very sad for the baby and the husband. May our good Lord comfort them.

    • CraftyCanuck

      My heart goes out to the family and friends of Allison, how truly tragic. Thank You for your reply Elizabeth, I had our son 17 years ago, and was so very thankful for, I believe it was a VON nurse at that time, that did a home visit on the second day I was home. I was becoming anxious, because our son was having difficulty latching on. She solved that for me, and just the visit was so encouraging. I sincerely hoping sharing her friend’s story, will reach those in the same situation.

  • Danielle Rigali

    I had very bad PPD too. After recovery, I’ve dedicated myself to helping other new moms. We’ve designed a unique family facility and big base of qualified volunteers to help – but we need public support to get funding to open our doors. PLEASE help us PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN! That’s our charity’s ultimate goal. Please sign our petition so government leaders can see how important postpartum recovery is! JOIN THE FIGHT!!

    SIGN HERE:
    https://www.change.org/p/affordable-postpartum-support-services-for-at-risk-mothers?recruiter=591571007&utm_source=petitions_show_components_action_panel_wrapper&utm_medium=copylink

    GET HELP HERE: http://www.momsvillage.org

  • Cathy

    I had PPD after the birth of my son in 1990. My OB/gyn put me on birth control right after giving birth and I was young and it didn’t occure to me to ask questions about it (oh how I wish I had!). The next 5 months were awful! I would laugh hysterically and inappropriately and the next moment I would be crying equally hysterically. Having dinner one night I accidentally dropped my dinner in my lap and my husband looked at me with horror on his face, true horror… I asked him what was wrong!! He said he wasn’t sure what my reaction would be. I finally thought this is stupid and called my doctor. The birth control pills along with the hormones and being a first time mom was more then I could handle. They took me of of the BC and things finally leveled out. Please be careful of any medication you are taking during this time!

  • Penny

    I’ve never shared this with anyone, but I suffered with PPD when I went back to work after maternity leave. For me I think it was a lot of things in my life that lead to depression (post partum hormones, financial insecurity, being away from my baby due to working fulltime, etc.), and I actually considered taking my life at times. I think it’s important to remember that somedays you’re genuinely happy, and others you’re in the lowest, deepest, darkest, most hopeless place with no future that you’ve ever been. And that’s when the dangerous thoughts come – wanting the pain to be over and not being able to see beyond it. The only thing that kept me here was that it broke my heart to think about my son growing up without a mom, and I love him too much to do that to him.

  • disqus_0CEvASRmwy

    This is so sad. Many women experience this. I did myself. And to add to it my Dad, and my Husband both died within 6 months of my Daughters birth. Have never been the same, was a struggle to just live minute to minute some days.

    • Nemesister

      My prayers are with you. I know it sounds selfish, but hearing that helps me. Not sure why, but I don’t feel so alone knowing I’m not the only one. I lost one of my twins 4 days after a way early birth, and eventually my husband to divorce. My father was never really there anyway. Not sure I would have made it without my beatiful baby boy!! Too darn cute.

  • Paige K

    I don’t often get choked up about things but I am truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful friend. There are so many things I wish I could tell her…I had PRE-partum depression during my overdue state (3 weeks late) which turned into raging, debilitating and unforgiving PPD. I wanted to hang myself, I wanted to kill my beautiful new daughter. My silent shame exacerbated the problem as, without help, bonding with my daughter couldn’t happen. Oh God, the agony. I didn’t tell a soul. I still don’t know why. But five years later with my second on the way I was fraught with fear over a repeat scenario. However, nothing occurred and I finally got to experience a normal newborn situation. My kids are now 19 and 14 and I cannot over state how truly content I am…how quickly it fades and the good parts kick in. My heart aches that your friend will never know that THIS FADES and the joys…oh, the joys of being in your childrens’ lives!!! They are the best part of being alive! I clawed my way out of PPD…I don’t know how but for the grace of God. I have never forgotten the abyss and thank God regularly for keeping me from the worst possible outcome. I will add to my gratitude the memory of your friend. Much love ❤️

  • Nadine Velasco

    After I had my son, i was so tired, irritated, crying, mad, and I just thought because I had complications after giving birth, thats what is was..I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way when its supposed to be the happiest time of my life..my son was amazing at first then because of the way I was feeling, he changed, always crying, didn’t want to sleep, I know it was because of me, my poor baby was sensing all that was wrong with me. I was always crying, didn’t want to do anything, then I finally realized what it was…I thought post pardem depression was just an exaggeration, then it happened to me, Its not an exaggeration, its real…I hope mothers who go through this find help, sometimes they don’t know they have…and thats even harder.

  • Honey Bee

    PPD is so hard. I had it with all 3 of my kids. I didn’t let anyone know about it the first time. The second time I spoke up and got so much judgment from people. People close to me used it as a way to dismiss me and say “oh she has PPD so whatever she is feeling is not important”. I got labeled crazy and someone to ignore. It was worse than the PPD. To be honest I don’t know how I made it through. With my third one I went back to hiding it because it seemed better than the alternative for me. I didn’t want to risk destroying my reputation again. I came very close to ending my life a few times and to do this day I know that it’s only by God’s grace that I am here. PPD was some of the worst times of my life. I had other life events happen at the same time that made it worse.

    This story is so sad to read because that was almost me. God I pray you love her beautiful soul. In Jesus name Amen.

    For all those who suffer from PPD I pray the shame and stigma around it would change. My love goes to you all.

    • Kate S

      Reading this was like reading my life. I suffered from horrible ppd after my twins. Antidepressants triggered some kind of reaction that led me straight off the deep end, hallucinations, attempted suicide, was diagnosed as bipolar and they just kept shoving more and more drugs at me. Every physical symptom, any feeling I had was automatically invalidated because I was the crazy chick. 7 years later I finally had enough. I removed my IUD and quit taking all the medication. Within a month I was a (almost) normal person again. Life was good again, my marriage got better, I was happy in spite of some really bad things that happened I was handling it. Then I had my rainbow baby almost 6 months ago and I have been living under a horrible dark cloud for the past 3 months. I am alone. My happy is gone, I resent my children, I am angry and exhausted and miserable every second of the day. I know I have ppd again, but I am terrified to ask for help because of what happened last time. So I lay here and cry for hours alone at night and pray that God will pull me out of this before it’s too late. I’m tired of living like this, there is no joy left in my world.

      • Julie Anne Waterfield

        Kate, I am so sorry you are experiencing such sadness and pain. Please know that you are not alone and you are doing nothing wrong! Have you considered seeing a counselor as a first step and then maybe that can provide the help you need so you don’t have to try medication? Sometimes anti-depressant medications aren’t the right fit for everyone, and I can completely understand why you are hesitant to try them again and to seek help. Your life is so very valuable and important. Please do not suffer in silence. Do you have a support system at home or any resources nearby that could help with your babies or that you feel comfortable talking to and to help map out a plan for you to see a counselor and start getting your life back? Please reach out to me and I will help you get started and remind you what an amazing mother you are, despite your feelings. There is happiness to be found and a happy, healthy life for you beyond your PPD, and I pray that you can hang on and rise above the darkness and believe in it. Please do not give up. And please reach out to me and I will help any way I can.

  • Thank you for sharing Allison’s story, I know one too many of stories like her’s.

    Breaks my heart every time, especially as a provider responsible for women’s and maternal health. A team member tagged me in a FB post and it’s why I’m here right now, she also struggled with PPD. We have a cool tool (Little Mother’s Helper) for women designed to help with self-care after women leave their clinical providers at 6-weeks, which is the time where research has proven women’s anxiety increases dramatically as care switches from mom to baby. In the deck, there is a “mind” section that is a really easy, brass tacks, explanation of all the faces of PPD as well as how to get help, and how to enlist your support team (family, friends, neighbors, community) ahead of time to support you if you’re struggling. I wish I could hand out LMH to every mom giving birth in the US, just for a little extra help before you cross over from pregnancy to babe-in-arms. What I know about LMH is that it’s helping women all over the world feel sane. We have stories where moms read the deck and admit themselves to care for PPD before their health and life is at risk.

    Another mom prepared herself by setting up a phone list, because she had anxiety prenatally. I encouraged her to call all the people on her list and talk to them about her concerns, fears, and also asked for help postpartum. When I checked in with her at 6-months after giving birth, she said the act of letting people know she was scared was a huge help and lifted a weight off her shoulders. Her anxiety postpartum was minimal and she had a therapist on-call in preparation if the anxiety overwhelmed her postpartum with 3 kids under 4.

    It’s the little things we don’t talk about loud enough, but we’re trying (viral posts like your’s help tremendously). Let me know how I can help with anything. The work of this tribe is beautiful! Thank you.

    All love surround,
    Rebecca

  • Stefanie Joseph

    Wow what a heartbreaking story and so brave of you Julie for sharing. I am sending prayers, love and blessings to Allison’s family. Words can’t express the emotions I am feeling as I read this. PPD awareness needs to happen, we need to ban together and continue to bring to the forefront. There are so many women suffering in silence because they didn’t know who to turn to or didn’t even understand their own feelings to know something was wrong. I suffered in silence for 2 years with my son and NOT silent anymore.

    If any of you need support and love, Village Rising is here for you. Please join us at https://www.facebook.com/groups/villagerising/

    Love to all you mamas out there and to your support network!

  • Sammy Minshull

    I had severe PND after my first daughter… I didnt even know what it was or what was happening. I was lucky – my best friend, and mother and Hubby (somewhat) Knew something wasnt right…It was so sad I was at a point no mother/no person should have to be. They did an intervention as I didnt open, speak to anyoe and ended hating my baby even though she did nothing wrong.They said she was sick and to head to the docs.. my mum had her that morning to give me a rest… so went to the docs walked into the room, they all walked out and LOCKED the door. I was Lucky… I got help and medication.. was a long dark road. I am so thank ful as I dont know if my daughter or I would of made it out alive with how I was feeling and my distorted thinking. TAKE AWAY THE STIGMA AND TALK ABOUT PND! ITS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! RIP Alison, I am so very sorry for your loved ones x

  • The author wrote: “You will not be judged, only loved, as you seek help.” It was not that long ago that women were sent to mental hospitals for depression. Readers can argue about medications, but the first step to address PPD is to feel safe seeking help. Women can’t do that if they fear someone will judge or even possibly take their baby away. Midwives and post-partum doulas can help. We can trust these women (to our very core) to see and understand, and there are natural remedies they can share to increase milk-production. Do women in the military system have access to midwives?

  • It’s sad to see how depression are taking lives. I recently interviewed someone who overcame depression and now living life on his terms. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEYbQPDUULQ

  • Jaymie Springer

    Thank You for posting this. I have been dealing with PPD after having my 3rd child. This past weekend I left my own children with plans of never coming home. I had a split second before I did something that could never be undone and I called a crisis line. I was able to receive some of the support I desperately need. I am in no way 100% at this point but I have HOPE for the first time in a long time.

  • Paddy

    Just became a father a week ago of two amazing twin boys. In all the chaos, diaper changes, feedings, late night crying fits, spill ____ (fill in blank), no rest… etc. I can see how easy it is to forget what might be happening internally due to all of the external distractions. I am so blessed and happy but can’t even comprehend what this man is going through. I hope this sets the tone for all fathers in the future to be observant of their wives. It certainly did for me.

  • gonzomatic

    what a selfish thing to do

  • Jaz1

    ladies, also be aware of the many side effects from birth control that causes these problems as well. As we all go through after pregnancy the rush to get on birth control which causes the same symptoms for postpartum depression it took me awhile to figure out after the 6 weeks of having my son and then getting on the birth control that that was my problem it was the birth control that was causing the depression anxiety and panic attacks so do your research I know it sounds good to not have a child right away after having a baby but it’s better safe than sorry taking the fake hormones that they put in your body that causes poisonous and toxic to your body MIRENA IUD CAUSED ME TO SUFFER FOR 11 MONTHS AFTER MY SON and it has been suffering 5 months after removal. Beware ladies not saying everyone will experience problems with birth control but ladies that stuff is destroying us. everyone have a blessed day!

  • annewals

    Who the heck still prescribes Reglan for anything BUT diabetic gastroparesis? Haven’t the black box warnings (present for decades now!) and the thousands of lawsuits from patients who were taking it for actual FDA-approved indications (of which there are only 2: gastroparesis and GERD), been enough of a deterrent??

  • Kimberly Belk Proenza

    Definitely know the feeling. I hadn’t gotten over my PPD when I found out I was already 2 months pregnant with my daughter. In return it made for a miserable pregnancy and a miserable few months after she was born, having 2 in diapers, waking up at different times of the night. My husband at the time was not military, however he was and still is a lineman for an energy company and was gone a lot due to the weather conditions in Fl, call-outs at all times of the day and night. I felt alone. I cried all the time. Some how I made it through but I felt like a horrible mother. To this day I still feel that way at times even though my babies are now teenagers. Thank you for sharing.

  • Really

    Do NOT take Reglan for ANYTHING. This drug should be removed from the market. My mother was put on it for stomach problems and quickly developed Parkinsonian symptoms and permanent mental impairment.

  • I can understand how it would be looked on as “shameful”..because being a mother is “supposed” to come naturally and if it doesn’t SHAME! So so sad. I hate to hear this about this young mom but I would also ask if there were precipitating issues besides being a new mom. I went through severe depression after the birth of my second son but there were also a lot of sad things going on around me…My grandmother died when he was 1 week old, we moved to another State when he was 2 weeks old, my mother died suddenly when he was 6 weeks…I would have been depressed without having a new baby, but I know it was compounded by hormones. Maybe there were symptoms of depression before she ever had the baby. It’s very easy to hide until it’s not. 🙁

  • Louise McGoey

    This is such an important topic. Thank you for sharing. I personally was fortunate to never experience PPD; however I have a number of friends who have. With the changes in our society so many new mothers today do not have the community support of the past so isolation is even worse – not to mention all the conflicting views on parenting they have to deal with. It is so important that physicians discuss this with their moms to be and strongly encourage them to be vigilant and get help. We need to stop stigmatizing mental illness and support people.

  • Wanderlust0314

    I am sorry but this isn’t just about PPD this is about the silent epidemic plaguing our military. That nobody talks about spousal sucide within the military.

  • Nemesister

    I didn;t realize how PPD can truly affect us. I was tired, mentally exhauseted with in-laws, visitors, struggling with breast feeding/pumping, etc. THEN, exactily 6weeks post delivery, I didn’t know what hit me, but I sunk about 5 levels, with no explanation. Because I knew of it, I got help (and meds), but I was surprised how much it can take you out. If you haven’t experienced it, please don’t judge, it is real. Prayers to that little baby, and the family.

  • Dawn

    My husband was my rock as I withdrew from everything after both of my boys. While I shut myself away writing stories of apocalypse and despair, he kept everything normal for my our boys. I knew none of this, nor did I care. After some months I started to come back to them without really knowing why or how. My amazing husband had kept the family going and just seemed to know what to do, when to do it and how. I know I owe him my life and the wonderful relationship I have with my boys (now men) because he was both father and mother through those terrible dark days.

  • Haley

    My pediatrician’s office gives the mom a PPD screener at the 6-week checkup. If a mom’s responses are concerning, the pediatrician’s office gets in contact with her OB. I am so grateful for that. I personally would never make an appointment for myself, mostly because I could come up with a million reasons not to. But even just answering the questions on the screener made me realize that I wasn’t as okay as I thought I was/wanted to be. It’s so simple but could alert doctors to new mothers needing a closer examination.

  • june conway beeby

    So very sad. New moms need the help of scientific brain research to find the secrets of medical brain dysfunctions that can sometimes occur following birth.
    There has been more scientific investigation into human brains but not enough. We still lean on social studies to answer questions about human brains, too often assuming social engineering can bring cures or even amelioration.
    I hope you will see a repeat of CBC’s documentary last night on new research into Post Traumatic Dramatic Stress Syndrome among veterans. Scientists found physical changes to brain structures remained long after the original trauma.
    It is hopeful that scientific brain research becomes well funded. Science could inform governments that this is the road to cures for many neurological diseases, like schizophrenia, depression, autism, high anxiety and the myriad of brain diseases that destroy lives around the world.

    A word to the wise is sufficient.

  • NEW-history4ME

    People understand healing “fighting” with cancer, diabetes, even recovering from a hangover. It’s not too far off to think that hormones etc play a part in PPD. I used to cry at every ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLa

  • Natalie Ayala

    From what my Midwife has told me is ppd mostly happens from a lack of nutrients. After you have a baby, all your levels go down and doctors are not trained enough to help regain nutrient and hormonal issues. I started feeling depressed and having random anxiety attacts. My midwife told me to up my vitamin D, stop drinking caffeine, stop eating a lot of white sugar and eat protien every 2 hours. This helped me extremely! So I believe in PPD, but I truly believe it’s due to an imbalance in our bodies that needs to be dealt with naturally, such as vitamin supplements, a well balanced meal that limits sugars and bad carbs that make you naturally have highs and lows. Rest as much as we can, like seriously, go outside regularly to get sunshine and added vitamin d. I really hope this helps someone!

  • Shar’n Shoemaker

    Some of my darkest days was after I had My 2nd child. I felt like my life and marriage was in shambles, everything I did was wrong, I was never good enough and felt like I was backed into a corner. I was a replaceable friend and felt secluded and alone. I wanted to pack up and leave everything and everyone I once loved. Thankfully I took extra time off from work and I was able to find my way again with help and my friends and family. I learned to accept the things I could not change, i had the courage to change the things I could and I gained the wisdom to know the difference. So many women suffer PPD and many times it goes unnoticed. It doesn’t discriminate against age, race, being a first time Mom or even those who have a few kids under their belt. Ask questions, see the signs and most importantly just being there to reiterate their worth and how much they are loved could just save a life. 💕

  • Nikki McNeil

    You didn’t dig deeper because all the things she said about how she mostly just sees her baby’s smiles were true. Intrusive thoughts about harming your baby or someone else harming your baby are terrifying. She hated herself for those thoughts about her beautiful child. PPD and intrusive thoughts that go along with it do not mean that you do not love your child, it’s just the opposite. That new love is so overwhelming it drives you mad. She thought being dead would be better than harming her beautiful baby. God bless… I can only imagine how hard this must be. But I know just how bad PPD can get, because it happened to me.

  • vacaygirl

    When my daughter was a few weeks old I called my OB and told him I couldn’t stop crying. This had not happened with my first. My doc took me very seriously and immediately put me anti-depressants, which I probably should have been on for years anyway. I am really glad I spoke up, it changed my life and allowed me to enjoy being a mom.

  • Amy Woodbury Cook

    Such a sad, heart breaking story! There are almost always options besides drugs. go to your local health food store. I used brewers yeast flakes mixed in orange juce. Brought my milk in so I could still nurse whi being pregnant.