Journal

Pick Your Friends Not Your Nose

Written by Amy Purintun

Written by Amy Purintun

 You can pick your friends.  You can pick your nose.  But, you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

My husband and I have said that to our kids forever to get a smile or a giggle out of them.  When they were little it was a way to get them to stop picking their OWN nose.  Now that the nose-picking issue is no longer a worry (most of the time), I think of that little phrase as I watch my children pick their friends.

Life was much easier for this momma when I was in control of their social lives.  I could decide who they would spend time with, when it could happen, and where.  I could easily “check out” the parents of the new friend and make sure that everything was safe.  Somehow the security of screening the friends felt like I was able to keep my kids from getting hurt by mean people.

Now?  Well, those days have long since passed.  With my youngest I still have a small bit of ability to monitor who she is with, but with my older two?  Not so much.  I know high school is the place where kids are supposed to grow up and start stretching their wings.  In fact, that’s what we WANT as parents.  But, it is still a process.  At times a painful process.  Lessons have to be learned, and when mom has to watch from the sidelines – that is tough!

My daughters each have a large circle of friends that they are in and out of on a regular basis. They each have a couple of “bffs” that are always around, but then there are the names that float in and out and I can’t even begin to keep up all the time.  Honestly, I don’t even try.  I’m friends with several of the mothers of the other girls, and it is easiest for us moms to let the girls do their thing and we do ours.  The moms stay out of whatever is going on between the daughters.  Now, don’t get the idea that the girls are mean, or bad, or icky – just normal girl stuff.  Mild drama is what I would call it, I guess.  Girls can definitely be mean, but so far any interaction with mean girls has been very limited.

My older daughter had a special “guy friend” that I wrote about here.  It was a learning experience for not only her, but my husband and I as well.  Since she was not yet 16, there was a lot of “group activities” that happened – always with an adult presence.

The, um, boyfriend eventually was dismissed with minimal drama, and we are currently enjoying a boyfriend free season.  But, when that “relationship” came to an end, there were some moments of awkwardness that she had to experience in regards to seeing him at different school events and how they interacted.  It took a bit of time to achieve a new normal.  She had to endure some snarky comments coming from him as he salvaged his pride, and I had to learn to listen to the stories as they came home without getting emotionally involved.  The boyfriend-girlfriend beginning-ending thing is tough!

Now that she is 16, I’m sure it will be only a matter of time, and some young man will get to come enjoy supper with the family.  I have told both of my girls that waiting to date until they are older (like after they are married – to someone their dad picks out – ha!) would be easier, but I’m not sure that they seem to buy into that theory.

There are also the friendships that are the easy friends.  With my son, our firstborn, it was his group of guys that he would go and do “stuff” with – like paintball, or laser tag.  Just a group of guy friends that would get together and go do “guy stuff”.  He wasn’t out all the time, and a part of me was hoping that he would go and do more.

At some point that seemed too soon for me, our boy became friends with a girl.  A specific girl.  A GIRL-FRIEND.  Whoa!!  That was a new thing for me.  Suddenly, any extra time that he had, he was spending it with her.  Jealous much, mom?  Yeah.  I was.  I wasn’t ready for a pretty-young-thing to take full control of all his time.  And thoughts.  But, it happened.

We knew the girl’s family.  Had known them for some time in fact.  That wasn’t the issue at all.  Honestly, I was enjoying the fact that he had a “someone special” to go and do things with together.  (and, it made his having a job much more important in order to have the extra cash…)  My momma’s heart was tender for the “what if.”  What if  they break up?  I wasn’t naive enough to think that this would be the ONLY girl he ever dated.   So, I knew that at some point there would be a heartache that I couldn’t fix. The owie that this mom had no band-aid for, no magic kiss, and no way to prevent.

In some ways it was like watching my baby learn to walk or run all over again – knowing that a fall was inevitable.  And, the fall eventually happened.  I won’t sugar coat it, it wasn’t fun for anyone.  I guess the plus side was that he was still at home, and not in some faraway place to experience his first heart-break all alone.  I learned as a mom to be supportive, but not to become overly protective.  As much as I wanted to gather him up into my arms and sit and rock in our favorite chair – that wasn’t the answer he needed.  Or even wanted.  He had to heal on his own, in his own time, his own way. Now that he is off to college and I have NO IDEA what he is doing…. I look back at those times he was at home, and relax in the memory.

The friendship thing is a tough one for moms of older kids.  We want our kids to have friends.  Good friends.  Safe friends.  And, we moms have to learn to trust our kids’ judgment that they will have the ability to choose friends that meet all those criteria.  WITHOUT us getting involved as their social directors.  At a pace that they determine.  Another one of the lessons I have learned is that sometimes the kids that I think my kids should spend time making friends with aren’t really the kind of kid that is the best influence after all.  I just have to sit back and let them lead.  That’s tough!  But, in the end the lessons are good for everyone.  I am so thankful that I have MY friends to support me through all of this learning that I am doing.  My prayer is that my kids will develop friendships that are lifelong blessings to them, too.

(Feature Photo)

About the author

Amy Purintun

“Hope burns eternal”, is how Amy Purintun feels about life. Growing up in rural small-town Nebraska, Amy got to experience the joys and pitfalls of everyone knowing everyone’s business. College found Amy at the University of Nebraska at Kearney (then Kearney State) earning her degree in Elementary Education.

Amy has been married for twenty-three years to her high-school sweetheart. The early years of married life were spent in Kansas City, followed by several years in Columbus, Nebraska. Amy and her family have lived in Gretna, Nebraska for the past 16 years. There are three children in the family ages 13, 16, and 18. Currently the Director of Standards and Practices for the Purintun Family, Amy spends many days each week volunteering her time not only at her children’s schools, but also at the church the family attends. Amy organizes and facilitates the Wednesday Morning Women’s Bible Study, and also helps to lead the various aspects of the middle-school and high-school youth activities at the church.

Amy enjoys reading and researching online and finds it fulfilling to share what she has learned with those she cares about. Amy feels best about herself when she is encouraging and helping others. From surviving the “honeymoon years”, the near loss of her husband in a plane crash, job changes, moves, making it through the exhaustion of raising small children, managing all the drama of teenaged children, to the loss of her father recently, Amy continues to find strength through her faith in God and believes that hope does in fact burn eternal.

4 Comments

  • Amy…I already think about that. Who my girls will hang out with – if they will be mean. ugh. But, I know I will have to let them go and make their own choices, even if it hurts.

    • Leslie – It does hurt to have them learn to make their own choices. Especially when their choices don’t fall into line with our own. We all know that girls can be SO MEAN! It hurts to watch a child struggle with the hurt that is a result of a choice they made. I always hope that they learn, and move on – with minimal scars!

  • Amy–I’m already there! My oldest is in Middle School, and let me tell you, some of those kids aren’t exactly who I want my daughter to hang out with. We’re blessed that she really weighs the consequences of friendships because we’ve taught her, “You are who you hang out with.”

    • Heather – it is such a powerful lesson when the kids start to “get it” that choices have consequences. BIG TIME when they make choices about who to hang out with. Isn’t it sad that some adults never get that lesson learned?