Congratulations! You’re a parent! Because I love you, I have compiled a brief but important list of things NEVER to do as you travel the long and winding road of parenthood.

1. Coexist with Carpet

Don’t put it in, don’t buy a house with it installed, don’t be wooed by its promise of plush warmth underneath your toes. JUST DON’T. You’ll find yourself startling awake some perfectly average Tuesday to a barfing kid who probably ate nothing but macaroni and cheese and Red Dye No. 40 for dinner. Whee! Do you know how much fun it is to pluck vomit from carpet fibers for days? Nope, that’s right, you don’t—and you never will if you heed my warning and just get laminate instead.

2. Read parenting books 


Good news: now that you have your own children, you will get all the advice on how to feed, hold, clothe, bathe, discipline, understand, and raise them—all for free, and often from total strangers. So don’t bother reading what the experts have to say—it’s probably better to ask about that suspicious rash in your Facebook mom group anyway, right?

3. Attempt to buy a used outdoor playset

This is a fool’s errand that morphs reasonable adults into rabid dogs with fresh meat in view. I know, those Gorilla swing sets cost more than your mortgage or your first car. But you’re sadly mistaken to think you can enter the Facebook marketplace or Craigslist looking for one of these magical freaking unicorns and actually get one. It cannot be done. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can start saving up for your own brand new one.

4. Buy black furniture

Do you like, née, love dusting? Perfect! Fill your home with black furniture that requires incessant dust removal. Remember the show Pinky and the Brain? I’m pretty sure one of Brain’s plans to take over the world involved a black TV stand that drove a mother slowly insane because it was NEVER free of dust, even seconds after being dusted. And if that furniture is anywhere near carpet? Forget about it.

5. Expect to wake up where you went to sleep

I know, your little cherub slumbers peacefully next to your bed in a sweet little bassinet, or nearby in a lovingly chosen crib. You wrap him into a snug little milk-drunk burrito in his muslin swaddle and climb into your own bed next to your spouse when the day is done. And sure, maybe you’re up for a couple of feedings overnight, but you always return to your own bed. Guess what? THAT DOESN’T LAST. Your baby will grow into a needy little nocturnal nightmare at some point (because thirsty, or monsters, or growing pains) and one or both parents will be summoned. This one’s unavoidable, but if you’re prepared, you can at least stash some extra pillows and blankets near the kids’ (never big enough) beds so you’re not digging in a linen closet at 2am.

6. Watch youTube

Do you know who CookieSwirlC is? Ever watched the Fizzy Toy Show? Gotten sucked into the ridiculous antics of EvanTube? I didn’t think so. But guess what? If you ever type in the url for youTube around a small child with ears and eyes and a pulse, you will. And you will hate yourself for it. There’s nothing more confounding than watching a grown woman open blind bags and mystery eggs filled with tiny toys on camera, or kids eating jelly beans and guessing their flavors…and witnessing your offspring become instantly addicted to it. It makes no sense. It never will. You’re better off blocking the site completely, trust me.

7. Buy nice things

Remember visiting that one relative who had plastic covering her couches and a distrustful eye tracking any moving object under 4 feet tall? She probably had a pack of kids who made her that way. There will be a time in your life again, I’m told, when you can buy breakable things and nice furniture, but it’s not in the next decade.

8. Glitter

Is it pretty? Yes. Is it allowed in my house? I’m still vacuuming it out of the grooves of the kitchen tile from that time three years ago a kid dumped an entire tube of it on my floor. I’ll let you reach your own conclusions, but let me just offer you this nugget of wisdom to file away: glitter glue.

You can thank me later.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Carolyn Moore

Carolyn has served as Editor-in-Chief of Her View From Home since 2017. A long time ago, she worked in local TV news and fell in love with telling stories—something she feels grateful to help women do every day at HVFH. She lives in flyover country with her husband and five kids but is really meant to be by the ocean with a good book and a McDonald's fountain Coke. 

Our Kids Need Us as Much as We Need Them

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy sitting on bench with dog nearby, color photo

During a moment of sadness last week, my lively and joyful toddler voluntarily sat with me on the couch, holding hands and snuggling for a good hour. This brought comfort and happiness to the situation. At that moment, I realized sometimes our kids need us, sometimes we need them, and sometimes we need each other at the same time. Kids need us. From the moment they enter the world, infants express their needs through tiny (or loud) cries. Toddlers need lots of cuddling as their brains try to comprehend black, white, and all the colors of the expanding world around...

Keep Reading

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

So God Made My Daughter a Wrestler

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young female wrestler wearing mouth guard and wrestling singlet

God made my girl a wrestler. Gosh, those are words I would never have thought I would say or be so insanely proud to share with you. But I am. I know with 100 percent certainty and overwhelming pride that God made my girl a wrestler. But it’s been a journey. Probably one that started in the spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with my first baby and having the 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I remember hearing the word “girl” and squealing. I was over the moon excited—all I could think about were hair bows and cute outfits. And so...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

You May Be a Big Brother, but You’ll Always Be My Baby

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother with young son, color photo

It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Back then, we were new parents, clueless but full of love—a love that words can hardly explain. I can vividly recall holding you in my arms, rocking you in the cutest nursery, and singing sweet lullabies, just like yesterday. I can picture those times when you were teeny-tiny, doing tummy time, and how proud I was of you for lifting your head. And oh, the happiness on your face when “Baby Shark” played over and over—that song always made you smile! We made sure to capture your growth...

Keep Reading

“It Looks and Tastes Like Candy.” Mom Shares Warning about THC Gummies All Parents Need to Hear

In: Kids, Living, Teen
Hand holding bottle of THC gummies

What Aimee Larsen first thought was a stomach bug turned out to be something much more terrifying for her young son. Her 9-year-old woke up one day last week seeming “lethargic, barely able to stand or speak,” his mom shared in a Facebook post. At first, she assumed he had a virus, but something about his behavior just didn’t seem right. She called an ambulance and asked her older sons if their brother might have gotten into something, like cough syrup or another over-the-counter medicine. Their answer? “Yeah, THC gummies.” THC gummies are an edible form of cannabis that contain...

Keep Reading

My Child with Special Needs Made His Own Way in His Own Time

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding child's hand walking across street

I want to tell you the story of a little boy who came to live with me when he was three years old. Some of you may find this story familiar in your own life. Your little boy or girl may have grown inside you and shares your DNA or maybe they came into your life much older than three. This little boy, this special child, my precious gift has special needs. Just five short years ago, he was a bit mean and angry, he said few understandable words, and there was a lot about this world he didn’t understand. Unless...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter as You Grow into Yourself

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Girl in hat and dress-up clothes, color photo

My daughter, I watched you stand in front of the mirror, turning your body left and right. Your skirt was too big and your top on backward. Your bright blue eyeshadow reached your eyebrows and bold red blush went up to your ears. You didn’t care. I watched you marvel at your body, feeling completely at ease in your skin. You turned and admired yourself with pride. You don’t see imperfections. You don’t see things you are lacking. You see goodness. You see strength. RELATED: Daughter, When You Look in the Mirror, This is What I Hope You See I’m...

Keep Reading

Organized Sports Aren’t Everything

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young girl with Alpaca, color photo

Today I watched my little girl walk an alpaca. His name is Captain. Captain is her favorite. He’s my favorite too. I met his owner on Instagram of all places. She thought I was in college; I thought she was a middle-aged woman. Turns out, she is in high school, and I am a middle-aged woman. This random meeting led to a blessing. We call it “llama lessons.” We take llama lessons every other week. It’s an hour away on the cutest hobby farm. Our “teacher” is Flora, who boards her llamas at the alpaca farm. She wants to teach...

Keep Reading