In September of 2012, Kyle and I found out we were expecting our first baby. I will never forget the feeling of seeing the pregnancy test on our bathroom sink in our tiny house in Gibbon. I was a sophomore in college and Kyle was starting to work on his masters. I didn’t know how we were ever going to make this work but the exciting chills that rushed through my body were enough to let me know that we could do this. God had let it happen for a reason hadn’t he?
That day when Kyle got home for work I had a video camera set up in our kitchen. I put a hamburger bun in the oven with the clearly positive test in the middle. He came home and I had to beg him to check the oven. There he found our greatest joy. Our little “bun in the oven.”
We couldn’t wait to tell our family and friends. We decided to make little cards to tell them they were going to be grandparents, aunts, and uncles. We traveled ridiculous places such as the Alma lake to tell Kyle’s dad on a boat, our parents’ houses where we then ventured to Wal-Mart where my ever so secretive brother spilled the beans to a close friend. I’ll never forget my mom and dad’s girly screams and the tears in my dad’s eyes or Kyle’s mom jumping for joy in the kitchen. Life literally couldn’t get any better. We decided it was time to tell everyone. So we did.
A few weeks later we went to our first check up. They told us we needed to go have an ultrasound done. I laid on the table and saw our tiny baby up on the screen. They projected we were a little behind schedule but that it was okay. Not even a couple days after we just had seen our sweet baby up on the monitor this happened…
October 5, 2012 We would appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we are going through a miscarriage. We know God has a plan for us. We are doing our best to stay positive and are trying to remember how lucky we already are.
I couldn’t believe this was happening, not to us.So many awful thoughts ran throught my head. What did I do to our baby? This is all my fault. I’m the one who lost our baby’s life? Maybe it was that cup of coffee I drank? Or riding on the boat? Why us God? Why now?
I couldn’t understand why God would give us such joy and then take it away. Life wasn’t fair. It took be a whole year to grow from being at the lowest of my low to the numbness I still feel today. Loss doesn’t go away, it gets better but it doesn’t go away completely. I couldn’t have done it without my hero of a husband, Kyle who was stronger for the both of us when trying to hold it together himself. Our families love was also incredible. I want to personally thank all of you for your support and prayers during that difficult time.
I am no longer mad at God for I know the reasons he chose to take our first little angel to heaven. He/She must have been something special! The joy we felt is seen throughout the video we took on that day. Kyle and I love going back and watching it and we thank God for that wonderful feeling. Our miscarriage changed us for the better and made us so much more grateful for each other and the life we live today.
I just personally want to reach out to any of you out there who have suffered a miscarriage or have or are having trouble conceiving to let you know that you’re not alone. One thing that I have learned is that I thought having another child would wash away those feelings of our first little one but it hasn’t. I’m so thankful for Henleigh every single day and I hold her much tighter because of what we’ve been through.
And with that I want to end with the main meaning behind this post.
Every single child is the biggest blessing that God could ever give you. No child is replaceable.
I’ll never forget this poem that my awesome mother in law sent be when I was having a bad day.
What Makes a Mother
By Jennifer Wasik: Written with love for all Mother’s missing their babies
I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today
I asked, “what makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a Mother
when your baby’s not with you?
“Yes you can!”, He replied
with confidence in His voice,
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and other’s for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
but there’s no need to stay.”
I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared His throat,
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing here.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see
what makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with me one day
and know you’re the best one.