Humor Journal Relationships

The Cell Phone Affair: 11 Reasons I Can’t Compete with “The Other Woman”

The Cell Phone Affair: 11 Reasons I Can’t Compete with “The Other Woman” www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Christine Leeb

Early one morning, I realized that there was another woman in our lives.  I hadn’t seen my husband in over 48 hours.  When I heard him stirring in bed next to me, my first thought was “Oh good. He made it home safely” as I had fallen asleep before he arrived home in the middle of the night.  My second thought, was “OK. Any minute, he’s going to snuggle up next to me and give me a hug.”  But he didn’t.  Instead of rolling over and holding me close, he rolled in the opposite direction, grabbed his phone and began holding it close…scrolling.

I couldn’t believe it.  I was so offended.  How did his attraction to this slick electronic gadget suddenly come before his attraction to me?  Then I realized that this “other woman” had been slyly working her way into our marriage since the day we got her. 

Sure, it all seemed so innocent at first.  It was only natural for him to get way too excited for his first smart phone.  But soon I learned that I just couldn’t compete with Siri–the always awake, never tired, upbeat Australian female voice–who did whatever he requested.  This “other woman” was literally lighting up his life while I was loading up his to-do list.  And there’s more…

  1. She makes him laugh. I make him plunge toilets and take out the trash and work at a job that he hates.
  2. She supplies him with endless videos and hilarious memes. I supply him with exhausting details of my day and half-hearted attempts to laugh at his jokes.
  3. She’s with him all day every day. Sometimes I’m lucky to make eye contact with him just once in any given day.
  4. She sets reminders for him, sets timers for him, and looks up endless amounts of information for him. I forget stuff and I usually say “I have no clue” or “What did you say?” when he asks me a question. 
  5. She banters with him at his every request. I’m all whiny and “I’m tired. Can I just do it tomorrow” at his any request.
  6. She keeps him connected to every friend he’s ever met in his entire life with likes and shares and smileys and hearts. I keep him exhausted taking care of three kids with boogers and diapers and poopies and wipies.
  7. She can easily be recharged when her batteries are running low. I need a long walk, a nap, a date night, a deep meaningful conversation, a hot shower, and a margarita and even then I’m not fully recharged.     
  8. She’s smooth. I’m wrinkly and am getting more wrinkly by the day.
  9. She can be upgraded to a newer, faster, more efficient model when she’s worn out. I come “as-is” and am getting older, slower, and more worn out every day with no upgrade available ever.
  10. She lights up the instant he touches her. I shut out the lights, roll my eyes, roll over, and claim to have a headache.
  11. She lets him touch her and stare at her for hours. I’m all “Ok, let’s get this over with so I can go to sleep and can you not look at me?” 

Of course she’s more appealing than I am.  She’s fun, attentive, and caters to his every need, but still.  I am his wife.  I said the vows.  I deserve his focus and attention and time.  I should be the one making him laugh and smile.  Don’t I deserve that?  Don’t we all?

Ladies, what do we do?  Are we losing our men?  Are all of our husbands quietly being allured into a relationship with their phones?  Are our marriages being divided by these sleek and snazzy hand-held machines?  Are we to stand here and take the I’m-kind-of-listening-to-you-but-my-mind-is-really-on-my-phone kind of life?  Are we supposed to be ok with them rolling over and snuggling with their phones before they snuggle with us? 

What do we do?  Well, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do.  I’m going to call him out and bring this “affair” to his attention, and ask him to break up with her immediately.  I’m not going to take this for one more second.  I want my husband to put down his stupid Siri and pay attention to me for a change!

But first, I must confess something…

There’s someone else in my life too.  His name is Siri— the always awake, never tired, upbeat Australian male voice–who does whatever I request.  This “other man” is literally lighting up my life too. He’s stealing my focus, my attention, and my time. 

Looks like this affair is more complicated than I realized. 

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  Matthew 7:3

About the author

Christine Leeb

Christine Leeb–Speaker and Christian Family Coach specializing in Parenting and Child Discipline.  Founder of Real Life Families–a non-profit organization building better families through free classes and resources.  Mother to three awesome (and exhausting) children from whom she shamefully hides brownies.  Wife to one patient (and polar-opposite) husband with whom she constantly quotes “Friends”.  www.RealLifeFamilies.org