I thought about having another baby every day. I still do, every single day. I have said before that I can easily get lost in my daydreams of having another baby and seeing Jayden as a big brother. I still do, but now I try to wake out of those daydreams as quickly as possibly because it is much too painful. I have always done the math in my head and thought “OK if I were to get pregnant now then Jayden would be…. and they would be this many years apart.”  I have done that for years. As he got older and the age gap got bigger, I kept thinking , “if we are going to do this then we need to hurry up because we are running out of time for them to have any kind of close sibling relationship.” 

In 2010, one year after graduating from nursing school, I finally convinced Jeff to strongly pursue doing IVF again. We were now living back in Nebraska so we needed to find an infertility specialist here which was hard because we loved our doctor in St. Louis so much. We met with two different specialists and agreed on one. Consults, labwork, and more tests were done. Again, we were told that because of our issues we would not ever conceive naturally and that IVF would be our only option for a biological child. We were also told because of my ovarian hyperstimulation with my first round of IVF that we would have to be extremely careful with the medications to avoid that happening again.

We were not financially ready to go through this again, but we decided to do it anyway. I have talked to some people who were lucky enough to have insurance cover their infertility treatments, but we were not that lucky. It all had to come out of our own pockets which I think is so very unfair. We took out a hefty loan and began the process in May 2010. 

We were so nervous and excited at the same time. It brought back a lot of memories from our first attempt eight years prior that gave us Jayden. That was a positive outcome so naturally we were upbeat and assuming that we were going to get pregnant again on the first try – just like the last time. We both knew all of the “what ifs” that lingered in the back of our minds but we didn’t talk about them. 

Not ever. 

We joked about getting pregnant with multiples and Jeff did not think that was nearly as funny as I did. I welcomed that idea. On the many trips back and forth to Omaha we talked about baby names, how we would rearrange the house to make a nursery, and imagined Jayden as a big brother. I wrote in a little booklet the names we liked and agreed on for girls and boys. 

This round of IVF was very similar to my previous one. My medications were basically the same but they were even more incredibly expensive. It involved many, many shots that had to be given at the same time every day. I also had to travel to Omaha for ultrasounds and lab work many times for close monitoring of my follicle sizes and production. I missed a lot of work, and none of this was a private matter. I admire celebrities who have done infertility treatments because they can just escape and go into hiding until it’s all done and nobody knows about it! 

That was certainly not my reality. 

Luckily, I had extremely wonderful coworkers who were supportive and understanding. If they had questions I was happy to answer them because I feel strongly about educating people about infertility. I was an open book to any questions.

I was very upbeat and positive the whole time. The fertility drugs can make you very moody, but I think I did very well on them, although other people close to me may disagree. I was genuinely happy and hopeful. I knew everything I was going through was going to be worth it because I was going to get pregnant and would forget about all of the inconvenience and pain from the shots. I would not let myself believe anything different. It was going to work and that was that.

……. Shannon will share part two next month.  Read all of her posts on Her View From Home