Faith Grief

The Moment I Thought My Girl Was Gone

The Moment I Thought My Girl Was Gone www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Amy Ledyard

Terror. Pure, unadulterated terror at the thought of the direction life might be taking. There is no other way to describe how a parent feels when they think they might be losing their child.

I’m one of the lucky ones; my little girl came back.

It was just a simple febrile seizure, they said. They’re very common in little ones my daughter’s age. They strike suddenly, are terrifying for a few moments, and then are gone without a trace: no permanent damage, no reason to fear a repeat. For us it happened last Friday; she was back to her normal self an hour or two later. But nearly an entire week later, and I am still not there.

How do you overcome what it does to a momma’s heart when she’s felt her one-year-old go stiff and then completely limp in her arms? How do you move on after watching your precious baby’s little lips turn blue? How do you reject the fear that lingers around your heart after calling your first born’s name over and over again with no response? Part of me fears that you don’t, and I’m sure that’s partially true.

Everyone said that having a baby changes you, and everyone was certainly correct. What most are fortunate enough to not know is that losing or almost losing your baby changes you, too. I loved her with all my heart last Thursday and told her so fifty times a day; today that love is double what it was then, and I tell her so a hundred times a day. After a tragedy or a “near miss,” you hug your little one a little tighter, rock a little extra, and put off chores just a little longer in the name of playtime and books and snuggles. Seeing the latest photo posted to Instagram or checking how many likes your most recent Facebook update generated become cares of the past. You maybe even lose patience a little less and find that never going to the bathroom alone isn’t such a bad thing after all.These are all good responses and changes that I can live with and even welcome.

But the waking up multiple times each night just to check on her and make sure she’s a comfortable temperature? The need to frantically call her name when she falls asleep in her car seat because what if she’s not just sleeping? The twice daily (at least) temperature checks even though I know she hasn’t had a fever in days? The fear that we’re not really out of the woods yet or that we’ll just be sucked right back into the darkness? It’s these changes and more that I hope are temporary.

And I’m not hoping that they pass just because they’re exhausting and make me feel like a crazy helicopter mom. I hope they pass because I know that, as a Daughter of the King, I was created for more than fear and worry. I am no longer a slave but an heir (Galatians 4:7). I was not given a spirit of fear but of power (2 Timothy 1:7). And, above all, if I can’t trust our Father with my girl, do I really think I can do any better?

My head knows these truths, and my heart once knew them, too. The trouble is that my heart seems to have temporary amnesia. The worry and the fear are still there; they’re still my current reality.

But I’m not alone, even in the fears, and I know that His hand will guide me through this, too. Just like He had my baby in His arms in her scariest moment, He’ll not drop me in my most frightened.

About the author

Amy Ledyard

Amy is a follower of Jesus, wife, and Momma living in the Carolinas. A former nurse, she is now staying home to be a full-time Mom, growing her lifestyle blog http://www.astoldbyamy.com/and keeping in touch with her creative side in pursuing her new favorite hobby: photography. Amy loves swimming, pretty much anything outdoors, a good cup of (decaf) coffee, traveling, and quality time with the ones she loves. She and her husband have an ever-growing list of places to visit, and Amy hasn’t given up hope of one day living overseas.

15 Comments

  • We had the same feelings when my son had his first at 1. We thought he was dying right in our arms. It gets better and with time you’ll feel better! My thoughts are with you!

  • So well written! Nothing can prepare you for your child being ill. Having my children has been the scariest journey of my life thus far and worth every heart wrenching twist.

    • Thank you so much! And you are completely right! Being a mom is the most wonderful, nerve-wracking, beautiful journey, and I’m so glad I get to be on it!

  • Thanks for sharing this story! I’m not a mother so I can’t even imagine how scary it must have been for you!

  • OMG…this brought tears to my eyes. Sending you virtual hugs and prayers from across the globe. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through. The constant nagging fear is really understandable…that’s just the way a mother’s heart is! But, stay strong it will pass. Like you said, He is there with you and will always be. Just keep up the faith.

  • This is one of the most beautiful posts I have read in recent times, I can tell you that. I can very much understand your pain and fear, Amy. Once upon a time, I was the one causing these same worries and fears to my parents with sudden ill-health but today here I am living such a great and awesome life and making them proud. I still remember the looks of pain and worries that clouded the eyes of my parents. It was heart-breaking seeing them like that but I was helpless to even help myself let alone help them. The much I could do was stay positive and hope the phase would pass and it has. The fears you experience now, I believe are completely normal especially since your child is still such a little girl but then, I so love your faith. Knowing that you are the daughter of a King; Understanding that He is the best one to handle the situation….You couldn’t go to a better place for help. Remember when faith walks in, fear walks out? Hold on to God’s word. Keep feeding your heart with His words and keep trusting. Worries and fears only cripple you but your faith sees you through it all. It is never easy and sure, you become extra-observant to any changes you see in your girl. I understand that but be strong and sure, the feelings would pass too. Just keep affirming your faith and stay positive. I am a miracle today and so is your little girl. Keep the faith dear. All is well cos it always is in God’s world and always would be. All the best.

  • I”m sorry to hear about your daughter’s seizure. My brother had one years ago, and it was scary. While nothing compared to your child going through something, that I can’t understand, it was still an intense moment and things didn’t go back to normal for a while. I wish you all the love in the world.

  • I can’t imagine your fear when it occured. I hope you’r daughter is doing well now. Beautiful post yet it’s scary to imagine what you’ve been through at that moment.