Every day I am inundated with images and articles on what it should look like. Helpful ways to get me to that point. Every day I am faced with a narrow definition of what acceptable looks like. 

I am not talking about what my body should look like. I am talking about the image of a perfect mother. And it starts early. The media paints a very specific picture of what pregnancy should look like, what birth should entail and what motherhood should be. I think it’s time to call its bluff.

As someone who has has been blessed with breezy pregnancies, easy births and babies that instantly took to breastfeeding, I know I am lucky. I fit into the mold. My experience aligned with the pre-conceived ideas I was taught in the baby books. As someone who, despite all of that, lost a child to SIDS, I am tragically unlucky. I shatter every mold. I defy every preconception.

There are many alternative routes within motherhood. I think it’s time to realize the validity of those alternatives and celebrate them. I think it’s time we eased up on each other. Time to let go of judgement and to understand that other people’s choices are not a comment on our own. To acknowledge that fitting into the “perfect” model is not something we necessarily control.

The Pregnancy Myth

A “perfect” pregnancy is one where the mother remains active and exercises. She doesn’t put on too much weight. She is perhaps a little sick in the early weeks and a little tired in the latter ones. She moisturisers her stretch marks away. On the whole, she glows.

had such a pregnancy with my first born. I exercised often, ate well and lathered myself in body oil. I patted myself on the back for being such a model pregnant person.

When pregnant with number two, my exercise was limited to running after my first born, my diet incorporated most of his left overs and if my body saw any moisturiser, it was a small miracle. Yet, the pregnancy itself felt pretty much the same.

All that pious work I did in my first pregnancy was suddenly revealed for what it was – a way to make me feel good, empowered and connected to my baby, but not necessarily the reason for my easy pregnancy. In truth, my body just seems to work well in pregnancy and child birth. My genes and good luck played a significant part. 

I have friends who did a lot more work than I did, yet were faced with “worrying” weight gain, sickness and battle scars. Sometimes our actions and intentions don’t align with what we experience.

The Birth Myth

We are taught that a “perfect” birth is a vaginal delivery, with limited intervention and minimal drugs. With my first child, I practiced hypno-birthing, I had a doula and three page birth plan. Things went according to that plan.

My second and third babies came just as easily but without the preparation. Again, luck and genes played a large part.

I have friends that wanted a vaginal birth, but the safest option for them and baby was a planned caesarean. I have friends who have had emergency caesareans – that’s never on the birth plan. I have friends that held off on having epidurals for hours and hours and later wondered why they did so. I have friends who have had planned caesareans, because that’s what made sense to them and their family.

All of those births resulted in amazing little people. All of their stories deserve celebration. I don’t believe in one size fits all or a hierarchy of birth experiences. 

The Breastfeeding Myth

We are told “breast is best.” I celebrate women who breastfeed one hundred percent. I support those that persevere with breast feeding when it’s difficult. I breastfed both my living children until well past a year old.

What I cannot support is shaming the mother who isn’t breastfeeding.

I have friends whose babies had severe allergies and needed to switch to formula. I have friends that simply didn’t have enough supply to keep up with their hungry little ones. I have friends whose milk dried up long before they wanted to stop feeding their children. None of those mothers are inadequate but I know some were made to feel that way. All of those mothers nourished their children with love. They all made the decisions that made sense for themselves and their families. And sometimes those decisions, for many reasons, fall outside what we are told to expect.

The Truth of It

When my middle son died by SIDS, my mind reeled with questions. I wrestled with “why me?” For the longest time I thought my son’s death was a form of punishment for having motherhood come so easily. I don’t think that any more. I think that life is random. I think we have less control over things than we are lead to believe. I think that we can do all the “right” things, and still be faced with an outcome we were not expecting. 

There is a lot of value in preparation. Women should be educated and empowered through pregnancy and childbirth. But it is simply a myth to assume that doing these things will automatically lead to the outcome we want. Children seem to have minds of their own long before they greet the world.

I think it’s time we understood that many of the “choices” made in motherhood aren’t really choices at all. Circumstance and medical opinion can take us in the opposite direction to what we had hoped for. What we were told to dream of.

But choices made with love for our children should never leave a mother ashamed. Even when those choices fall outside of the mold.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Robyna May

Robyna May lives in sunny Brisbane, Australia with her sons, her husband and a crazy dog called Hugo. She has three children, two on earth and one in heaven. Her days are spent looking after her boys and snatching time to write down all the thoughts that jostle in her brain. With a background in IT and law, she has recently set up her own consulting service and is balancing motherhood, entrepreneurship and writing with varying degrees of success. Robyna May writes about grief and parenting after loss at http://chasinghissunshine.com/ She also writes at the http://www.themummyandtheminx.com/ a blog about rediscovering your inner minx and reclaiming your identity after having babies.

I Didn’t Know Anxiety until I Knew Grief

In: Grief, Living, Loss, Motherhood
Woman crouched on ground by waterfront

If you had known me for the first 45 years of my life, you would say I was an extrovert. I loved going places, meeting new people, and striking up conversations with all ages. I talk a lot, often sharing too much in the way of being transparent. It’s been said that I have never met a stranger. Yes, I will admit, I am that woman you see in the grocery store line starting up conversations with the people around me. A few years ago, my life started changing, and I struggled with becoming introverted. Though I had once loved...

Keep Reading

Each Child You Raise is Unique

In: Kids, Motherhood
Three little boys under a blanket, black-and-white photo

The hardest part about raising children? Well, there’s a lot, but to me, one major thing is that they are all completely different than one another. Nothing is the same. Like anything. Ever. Your first comes and you basically grow up with them, you learn through your mistakes as well as your triumphs. They go to all the parties with you, restaurants, sporting events, traveling—they just fit into your life. You learn the dos and don’ts, but your life doesn’t change as much as you thought. You start to think Wow! This was easy, let’s have another. RELATED: Isn’t Parenting...

Keep Reading

Instead of Counting Down the Days until My Marine Came Home, I Counted My Blessings

In: Motherhood
Mother and two children holding "welcome home" signs next to soldier daddy, color photo

It was a relatively mild morning in October—cool even, considering we were in the middle of the Mojave Desert. We stood atop a concrete amphitheater overlooking a grass field in the middle of the small USMC installation known as Twenty-Nine Palms. All the unit’s seabags were lined up in neat rows, each one stuffed to bursting. John held our daughter Eleanor who had just woken up from a nap in her infant carrier. Blearily, she looked around and then smiled when John paused his conversation with some of his friends to coo at her. I sat with our son Sawyer...

Keep Reading

I Am an Adult with Autism

In: Living, Motherhood
Mother and three children in wildflowers, color photo

Thirty years. That’s how long it took for me to get the right diagnoses. Thirty years. Of struggles. Of shame. Of depression and anxiety. Of bullying. All without knowing the true causes and what was really going on. I never would have believed you if you told me a few years ago that I was autistic. It wasn’t until all three of my children were diagnosed with autism that I started to see the similarities and begin to question. At first, I thought there was no way. Wouldn’t I have known by now? It just can’t be. So I threw...

Keep Reading

I Hope My Daughter Loves Her Future Mother-in-Law

In: Motherhood
Bride holding mother's hands

I’m a proud boy mom. I catch bugs, I catch balls (in the house), and I try my best to catch my boys’ every fall. I love it. I love being a boy mom. There is one part I don’t like: everyone telling me they will leave as soon as they meet “the one,” and their wife’s family will push my husband and I out of the picture. “A boy is yours ‘til he finds a wife, a daughter’s your daughter all her life.” I’d heard it too many times from older moms who chuckle as if the rhyming covers...

Keep Reading

Adoptive Parents-To-Be Deserve to Be Celebrated Too

In: Motherhood
Couple making heart with hands

My husband and I are on a very exciting journey—we are in the process of adopting our first child! Wow, we are stoked beyond words. Albeit we are on the front end of the journey at this point (as in just now about to complete our home study). Yet we are knee-deep and in the thick of it all. After struggling with infertility for about two years and many doctors’ appointments later, it became clear that natural conception is not how we will become parents. We never thought we would encounter infertility. Infertility has been hard and a grieving process...

Keep Reading

I’m Thankful for the Community We’ve Found

In: Friendship, Living, Motherhood
Community on street having a picnic

It was the end of the school holidays, and the return to school after Christmas was looming. The children had had two weeks at home. The general sense of routine was lost for the boys, with late nights and relaxing days watching YouTube while playing their Switch. I was eager for routine to make a reappearance through school. As we headed into the weekend before the start of school, Josh had a cough and then a fever, and it became clear this would not be the week I had envisioned. By Monday morning the boys appeared more lethargic than usual,...

Keep Reading

Our Kids Need Us as Much as We Need Them

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy sitting on bench with dog nearby, color photo

During a moment of sadness last week, my lively and joyful toddler voluntarily sat with me on the couch, holding hands and snuggling for a good hour. This brought comfort and happiness to the situation. At that moment, I realized sometimes our kids need us, sometimes we need them, and sometimes we need each other at the same time. Kids need us. From the moment they enter the world, infants express their needs through tiny (or loud) cries. Toddlers need lots of cuddling as their brains try to comprehend black, white, and all the colors of the expanding world around...

Keep Reading

Take it from a Mom Who’s Been There: It Gets Easier

In: Motherhood
Mother with teen daughter embracing and smiling outside

My view from home is changing as my oldest is now married and my youngest is wrapping up his college career. But dear mom of little ones and even those not-so-little ones, I want you to know that I remember. I remember the side-eyes and the judging glances from older moms as I juggled toddlers doing their toddler thing. All these years later, I still feel the harshness of their stings. I remember the gloom and doom declarations of “Just wait until they turn three, or ten, or thirteen . . .” Those almost gleefully delivered little quips that made...

Keep Reading

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading