Grief Infertility Motherhood

Waiting to Be Pregnant

Waiting to Be Pregnant www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Ashley Bebensee

I have been crying a lot lately. And it’s all because my husband and I are trying to start a family. I wish I could say the tears are happy ones, glistening on my cheeks as I tell my husband good news.

They aren’t.

No, these are big, fat tears that drench my husband’s T-shirts as I bury my head in his chest and sob.  I knew trying to have a baby isn’t always easy, but right now, we are at a standstill.

For years, I took the necessary measures to not have babies. I have always wanted to be a mom, but the thought of motherhood in my early twenties was terrifying. I wasn’t ready to grow another person for nine months and then proceed to have all the responsibility that follows.

Instead, I soaked up the blissful first years of marriage. Just me, my husband, our cats and dogs. It has been fantastic, but as we passed the two-year mark in our marriage, we wanted to add to our family. I’m 25 and he is 27. We are young and healthy. I prayed that these factors would be in our favor.

I tossed my birth control pills out the window with glee. (OK, not really. I just didn’t refill my prescription.) I figured there might be some crazy, hormonal side effects after stopping the pill. When I didn’t get my period, I couldn’t believe that we were able to conceive so quickly. But all the negative pregnancy tests proved we hadn’t. Instead, Aunt Flo packed her bags and decided to take a long vacation. While I am not a fan of her visits, I know her arrival is a sign of health and regularity.

At first, I figured it was just one month. I tried not to panic. But I did. So I Googled it. Word to the wise: Don’t Google medical problems. The ailments WebMD says you can have are terrifying.

I waited another month. Nothing. I made an appointment with my doctor, and she suggested waiting one more month to see if my body would regulate on it’s own. If nothing happened, they would give me a prescription to get things going.

Another month, and nothing.

I dutifully took the pills prescribed, hoping something would happen while I was taking them. Nothing. So we continue to wait.

I don’t know what our future holds. I have been told to be patient, relax and not to worry. I pray this is just a small bump in the road. But the rosy future I held for my family is beginning to show cracks. I can’t imagine my life without children to love, nurture and cherish. It seems as if every week a pregnancy or birth announcement pops up on Facebook. Comparing myself to others isn’t fair, but I can’t help it. I desperately want to have a child of our own, and I’m terrified that won’t be our fate.

I expressed these fears and desires to my husband as I cried for the third time in a few weeks. In all this time, he has remained stoic, positive and loving. My pillar of strength and hope. But that night, I saw tears welling in his eyes. I hate seeing the man I love in pain, but that moment gave me hope. My pain is his pain, and vice versa. Our seas are a little rough at the moment, but knowing someone is in the boat with me gives me strength to weather this storm.

About the author

Ashley Bebensee

Hi! I’m Ashley, a Nebraska girl living in Wyoming. I grew up on a farm in western Nebraska, graduated with a class of 28 and ventured to the middle of the state to attend the University of Nebraska at Kearney. It was there I met the love of my life and husband, Brett. He is the most romantic, kind and intelligent person I know. And he makes me belly-laugh (truly the best kind). We have two cats and two dogs that are spoiled rotten. I am a content manager at a weekly newspaper, where I get to spend my days reading, writing, editing and designing a newspaper.

British television shows, wine and caramel apples from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory are my guilty pleasure. Shopping with my mom, going to the movies with my husband, long phone conversations with my dad and spoiling my nieces and nephews are just a few of my favorite activities. While I try to plan out all the details of life like the good control freak that I am, God is always throwing in curveballs. And so far, each of those curveballs have given me a bountiful amount of stress and love, adventure and joy, and more blessings than I could have ever imagined.

2 Comments

  • Hang in there. I sympathize with you and have been in the same situation. I spent all of my twenties praying not to get pregnant and then in my thirties when I wanted to and expected it to be easy, it just wasn’t so. It took three years and several failed pregnancies but there is a silver lining…I’m 34 years old and the mother of a beautiful happy 13 month old boy. He is the love and light of my life. Stay positive 🙂