I have been crying a lot lately. And it’s all because my husband and I are trying to start a family. I wish I could say the tears are happy ones, glistening on my cheeks as I tell my husband good news.
No, these are big, fat tears that drench my husband’s T-shirts as I bury my head in his chest and sob. I knew trying to have a baby isn’t always easy, but right now, we are at a standstill.
For years, I took the necessary measures to not have babies. I have always wanted to be a mom, but the thought of motherhood in my early twenties was terrifying. I wasn’t ready to grow another person for nine months and then proceed to have all the responsibility that follows.
Instead, I soaked up the blissful first years of marriage. Just me, my husband, our cats and dogs. It has been fantastic, but as we passed the two-year mark in our marriage, we wanted to add to our family. I’m 25 and he is 27. We are young and healthy. I prayed that these factors would be in our favor.
I tossed my birth control pills out the window with glee. (OK, not really. I just didn’t refill my prescription.) I figured there might be some crazy, hormonal side effects after stopping the pill. When I didn’t get my period, I couldn’t believe that we were able to conceive so quickly. But all the negative pregnancy tests proved we hadn’t. Instead, Aunt Flo packed her bags and decided to take a long vacation. While I am not a fan of her visits, I know her arrival is a sign of health and regularity.
At first, I figured it was just one month. I tried not to panic. But I did. So I Googled it. Word to the wise: Don’t Google medical problems. The ailments WebMD says you can have are terrifying.
I waited another month. Nothing. I made an appointment with my doctor, and she suggested waiting one more month to see if my body would regulate on it’s own. If nothing happened, they would give me a prescription to get things going.
Another month, and nothing.
I dutifully took the pills prescribed, hoping something would happen while I was taking them. Nothing. So we continue to wait.
I don’t know what our future holds. I have been told to be patient, relax and not to worry. I pray this is just a small bump in the road. But the rosy future I held for my family is beginning to show cracks. I can’t imagine my life without children to love, nurture and cherish. It seems as if every week a pregnancy or birth announcement pops up on Facebook. Comparing myself to others isn’t fair, but I can’t help it. I desperately want to have a child of our own, and I’m terrified that won’t be our fate.
I expressed these fears and desires to my husband as I cried for the third time in a few weeks. In all this time, he has remained stoic, positive and loving. My pillar of strength and hope. But that night, I saw tears welling in his eyes. I hate seeing the man I love in pain, but that moment gave me hope. My pain is his pain, and vice versa. Our seas are a little rough at the moment, but knowing someone is in the boat with me gives me strength to weather this storm.