Wanting to Be Her
25 Oct, 2012
The mask of a good reputation is a hard one to take off. So much of who I am is wrapped up in what I do or what I have abstained from all my life.
Emily Freeman –Grace for the Good Girl
I walked out on a board meeting the other day. I could feel the edges of my mask beginning to peel off with the perspiration that I would be found out. For the last eight years–I have painstakingly made the mask of perfection: being the dependable one, being the tough one, being the go-to girl in all situations.
That afternoon as I stared out into the cloudy fog, the contents of the meeting scattered my thoughts as I sifted through childhood memories trying to pinpoint any one given moment when I first tried on my mask. Maybe you can relate? Maybe you see a woman who has it together: the perfect marriage, the great career, sweet kids? She is dependable, loved, and is known for being the good girl?
I wanted to be her. Even as a little girl, I was drawn to women who wore well tailored dresses and heels, who smiled with grace, who was good–inside and out and at everything she did. I wasn’t ever the good girl, somewhere between thinking ill of others and making monumental mistakes, I lost her. And just when I thought I found her, family and friends (intentionally and unintentionally) applied “bad girl” to my identity…and it stuck.
So I picked up my mask and pretended to be someone else. Yet, that morning at the meeting as we discussed the themes and theology in the book, Grace for the Good Girl, I could feel my resolve beginning to crumble and fear of being found out made me run.
And then I heard it, a whisper seeping into the depths of my soul, “Mercy comes with grace. You’ve accepted mercy but have been hiding behind shame instead of accepting grace.” I had exchanged grace to carry guilt, I was allowing my past to define me. This evening as I sipped my coffee, sitting in the still of the quiet, I took off my masks, one by one to find me underneath.
I don’t want to be “her” anymore.
I don’t want to be the woman racked with shame for past mistakes.
I am no longer the woman with the arrest record.
I am not the girl who got knocked up in high school.
I am not the girl who can’t seem to stick to work out routine.
I am no longer the woman riddled with imperfections of not being on time.
The masks will never disappear completely, this I know; already I’m itching to pick up the perfectionist-good girl mask. But I’ve tasted freedom in resting my identity in who I was created to be and that’s where I want to stay. Which mask are you ready to let go of?
Photo Source: Ego Photography
And I have noticed – just in our now almost year of working together – how you are slowly pulling off that mask. You’re learning to embrace your past, build your confidence and make yourself a stronger woman from your experiences. Great post, Heather!
Thx Les!
I am glad you never were “her”! If you had been would you have been the same person I have come to think of as a little sister? Or would you be to busy for the odd person I tend to be? Never be afraid of who you are, it got you this far, and if you let it, it can take you much farther!
Thanks Josh. Man I hope I’ve come a long way since our high school days. Hugs!
Oh it hasn’t been that far since those days! Shhhh!!! I’m trying to retain some semblance of my youth! I don’t need you aiding my hair line in revealing I’m not as young as I used to be. But every minute I grow older is another minute I define more of who I am! Maybe I should just shave the hair and be done with that!
Anywho, kidding aside, you have done well and have a wonderful family to be proud of and have to reflect the good choices to outweigh any not so good ones. Be you! Let that other her try to come out as strong and on top…. I’m betting you could beat her with just a roll of tape!
Ha! The tape.
Wonderful post, Heather! I can soooooo relate! I have a “past” myself, and it can be so difficult to move forward and not let that past define you. I spent years pretending it never happened, and am finally embracing my experiences, learning from them, and learning how to use my experiences to help others. It takes such courageous to put down the mask!!! You’re a brave woman.
Its not really courage, its just time, you know what I mean? But thank you.
I really debated on writing this post today.
Thank you for this! I needed to read this and tuck it away with the rest of the messages I’ve seen, heard and read on this very topic. Its becoming a God Stop for me, and obviously I need listen.
I just picked up that book (finally)
Denise, I like that. “God Stop”, what can we really do in our own power?