1. Cancelled plans brings the greatest sigh of relief.
You love your friends – but nothing can quite compare to a quiet night in with your first two loves: Netflix and a Reese’s peanut butter cup blizzard.
2. You get anxiety just thinking about small talk.
The entire time you’re fake smiling and trying to master the ‘I totally agree and understand what you’re saying’ nod, while your inner monologue is really screaming, “What do I say next? What am I supposed to do with my hands right now? Why won’t my husband come rescue me? Would it be obvious if I just slowly started to walk away?”
3. You physically and mentally can’t handle large crowds of people.
It’s hot. It’s loud. Strangers are touching you and all you want to do is sprint home, throw on your pj’s and crawl under the covers, so no one can ever find you again. Your friends are all dancing and enjoying the incessant beat of techno music, all the while, you’re secretly worried about contracting an STD through the air and if you FOR SURE remembered to DVR The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
4. You think the act of ‘making new friends’ sounds more exhausting than running a marathon in heels.
More friends? I’m supposed to have MORE friends?! Why? How? I already have 3. Isn’t there a maximum amount rule? More friends = more people I have to remain in contact with on a semi daily basis. *Que anxiety & oddly sweaty palms*
5. If missing at a party, you can most likely be found petting the tenant’s dog.
People are cool, but dogs are, by far, the superior species. They’re softer, quieter, and aren’t yelling ‘WOO’ in your ear every 5 seconds. (You’ll also settle for hanging out with the cat, if no dog can be found.)
6. You think surprises/surprise parties/pranks are a cruel, cruel joke orchestrated by the devil himself.
One cannot simply enjoy a surprise party. This event was not planned for. It is not even in my daily planner! The house was certainly not cleaned by my husband. For goodness sakes, there’s dishes in the sink. How am I supposed to ‘relax & have fun’ with dishes staring at me from across the room?
7. You live with roommates, but haven’t seen them in weeks.
You’re not crazy, you don’t purposefully plan your schedule around when your roommates are home VS not home. (But the thought may have crossed your mind.) Getting caught in another awkward roomie talk about who should take the trash out, after a long day of classes, is no one’s cup of tea.
8. You never answer the door when the doorbell rings. (Unless it’s your friend and they have previously announced their arrival)
Yeah, it’s probably just the FedEx guy – OR it’s a murderer dressed up like a FedEx guy and he’s come to kill you and steal your dogs. OORRRR, even worse scenario, it’s the neighbor kid, that you’ve only met that one time and he wants to sell you overpriced, unnecessary crap to fund his ski trip to Utah. There’s that uncomfortable moment when you want to say no because you’re poor, but find yourself saying “sure” in a high pitched voice, because you can’t say no to children.
*My proofreaders (friends) tell me this is more, me being paranoid than an introvert, but whatever. What do they know?*
9. You’re 100% certain Airplanes were created by and for extroverts.
No introvert, in their right mind, would create such a small space, for so many people, with nowhere to hide. The only saving grace for airplane rides is headphones. (Insert slow clap for whoever invented those) No, stranger sitting 2 cm away from me, I don’t want to talk to you and learn all about your hobbies. I’m truly content staring out the window, focusing on my breathing (that’s just for me. I’m actually afraid of flying) and jamming out to this sick Mat Kearney song. However, because I’m polite, I will say “hello” when you sit down and “safe travels” when we are deplaning. You’re welcome.
10. You wish people would stop asking you “what’s wrong” and just realize that you’re acting normal.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. Some very successful people are introverts. i.e.: Einstein, J. K. Rowling, George Stephanopoulos… to name a few. To paraphrase the Queen B herself, “Who runs the world…Introverts!”
11. You married/ are dating an extrovert.
They don’t understand your need for space and silence, but they sure do come in handy at gatherings. Just sit back and relax while your extroverted counterpart chats it up with all your co-workers at the annual Christmas party. Excuse me, I’ll be by the punch bowl, people watching and comparing purses.
*Side note: Bless your slightly obnoxious heart, extrovert. You patiently (usually) deal with my irrationalized anxieties and don’t seem to judge me when I say things like, “I just really need to recharge and read this entire book tonight. Can you please bring me some tea and ice cream?”
As the great Jen Hatmaker once wrote when realizing she was an introvert: “It was terribly liberating, because I quit trying to overcome my personality. The ugly self-talk stopped and I gave myself permission for quiet and silence and privacy. I finally acknowledged my social limits and decided there was no shame in protecting my energy since I just have a lower threshold” (Hatmaker, 2015).
Stay strong & silently conquer the world my introverted friends!
Hatmaker, Jen. For the Love. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2015. Print.