For a moment you were real
For a moment you lived

A slight scare
A quick peek
We saw you only once
A flickering heart on a screen
The gift of an ultra sound picture
Of you alive and well
Hope was given
Plans were made
Dreams were cast
Weeks later 
The flickering heart was gone
You were gone

Our hearts broke
In a million ways
We were hurt like never before
Hurt that cut deep
You were so very wanted
So very loved 
We love you still little baby

In the beginning the world was raw
We seemed surrounded with life
With pregnancy announcements
Of births and joy
Each was a knife
Ripping open the wound of your loss
Taking my breath away 

I was reassured this was not my fault
Yet part of me felt I failed 
I would hold your big brother as he slept
I would cry for your loss
Thanking God
For the little boy in my arms

Minutes, days, weeks, months went by
And then,
Happy news
Another baby
In the place you once lived, and died
I felt fear
I held off hope
I would not allow happiness to enter
There were too many broken places

On your due date
I was 20 weeks pregnant

Your sister arrived
She grew and grew
Into a little girl

Years later 
Another positive test
Another sweet babe
In the place you lived, and died
Again I held off hope
Kept happiness away
Until she was safe
I wouldn’t let it be real
Time promised hope
Dreams were dreamt
Plans made

Another sister arrived
She grew and grew
Into a little girl

Your loss changed me
You changed how I view pregnancy
You showed me life is fragile
It can end in an instant
Before it really begins

The world can crash around you in seconds
Each pregnancy after you
Was filled with fears
Fears that didn’t go away
Even after I was reassured

Every pregnancy after
I would worry and wonder 
I never felt safe
Until the baby was here
In my arms
Only in my arms could I trust 
They were safe
Only then could I breathe again

We are done with that stage of life
The time of hoping
Two lines on pregnancy tests
Those days are done

We are moving forward
We are watching your siblings grow
Teaching them to live with kindness and courage

All we have of you is a picture
From an unexpected ultra sound
A little fuzzy blob
Our baby
That wasn’t meant to be
The only picture of you
The only proof you were real

You are always in our heart
Your father and I will never forget you
The world sees us as a family of five
A boy and two girls
In our hearts we are a family of six
Three little loves here on Earth
One up in heaven

Pregnancy loss, Infant Loss, Grief, Infant Pregnant loss awareness

Kelly Maeser

Kelly is a Nebraska girl who is still trying to figure out what she is going to be when she grows up as she makes up stories and writes poetry. In addition to writing for Her View From Home. She had a poem published in Migraine Expressions: A Creative Journey through Life with Migraines, and is currently working on a collection of poetry and a YA novel. Kelly is taking a break from blogging, but you can follow her and her creative musing on Instagram (kellymaeserwriter), Twitter (@KellyMaeser) and Facebook (Kelly Maeser- Writer).