I used to know things. Truly, I did.
Things like how to arrange cut flowers. How to balance a checkbook or apply eyeliner. What kind of pants were in style.
I knew who won Oscars and Grammys. Who played in Superbowls. Who was on The Tonight Show.
Then I became a parent, and it appears that I now know NOTHING.
I have three sons, and I spend the entirety of my days asking them questions.
Basically, all I say is stuff like Why is the bathroom floor wet? Where are your shoes? What’s on your FACE?
- Do you think your tummy-ache might be from the Play-Doh you ate this morning?
- Rather than jump off the piano, could we jump on the trampoline? Rather than jump off the bunk beds, could we jump on the trampoline? Rather than jump off the camper roof, could we jump on the trampoline?
- How long will we be keeping these crayfish in the bathtub?
- Is it deck chalk or sidewalk chalk?
- Is it car chalk or sidewalk chalk?
- Is it door chalk or sidewalk chalk?
- Has anyone seen the super-glue? Has anyone seen my rubber bands? Has anyone seen my stapler?
- Who can tell me why my tulips’ heads are chopped off? Why is there a mound of wood chips in the yard?
- You’d like some breakfast? What would we call the three pieces of toast and pint of blueberries you had 15 minutes ago? Wait, are you eating dog food?
- Where are my clothespins? Where are the six rolls of tape I bought last week? SWEET MOSES WHERE ARE MY SHARPIES?
- Why is my pillowcase wet? Why are your socks wet? Why is the couch wet? Why is the wall wet?
- You can’t tie your shoelaces, but you can tie 143 knots in the mini-blind cords?
- How did you get up there? How are you going to get out of there? Where even are you? Can you breathe okay in there?
- What are you EATING? The lunch meat I bought this morning is GONE? Where are you getting Halloween candy in MAY? Grilled cheese? Wait, did we even have grilled cheese this week? Where did you find that?
- Are those Daddy’s racquetballs floating down the river? Why is there 100 feet of toilet paper through my house? Does Daddy know you have his drill? Is that my plunger in the sandbox? Do you have any TOYS to play with?
- Isn’t 38 degrees a bit chilly for shorts? Where are your SHOES? Shouldn’t you be COLD?
- Who cracked my window?
- Who drew on my wall?
- Who drew on my bookcase?
- Who drew on my cushion?
- Who drew on my dresser?
- Who drew on my bench?
- Who drew Luke Skywalker on your butt? (‘cuz it’s actually pretty good…)
- Will you be cleaning the shower door after pressing your butt cheeks against it? Do you think it’s appropriate to have 150 photos of your butt on the iPad?
- What is that brown stuff on the carpet?
- Who painted eyebrows on the dog? Does the dog ride YOU? Why is the dog wearing my $50 bra? How would you like it if the dog put his penis on YOUR forehead?
- How did you think it would feel to roll down the stairs on a beanbag? Do you actually TRY to hurt yourself? HOW do you keep getting stuck in your seat belt?
- Where is my bandanna? Where is my belt? Where are my hair-ties? Where is my scarf?
- No seriously, who’s gonna sniff that brown stuff on the carpet and tell me what it is?
- Are these clothes clean or dirty? Where are all my laundry baskets? Are you wearing underwear on your face?
- How did you fit that in your nostril in the first place?
- Are you naked in the CAR?
- Do you want me to clip your toenails so you don’t have to chew them off? Are you eating sand? Are you eating toothpaste?
- Is that smell coming from your room? Why do your ears smell like meat?
- Would you blow up a balloon that I pulled from MY underwear?
- Did you lick this window? Did you lick my sandwich? DID YOU JUST LICK WALMART?
- Shoes? Anyone?