Well, it is time for the 2016 Olympics. We are ready to cheer on our athletes who have spent four years training hard to represent their country in sport. All of this pre-Olympic excitement got me thinking: Moms also work hard all year with little recognition until a handful of days where their work is on display. They too have a unique set of skills and they too are calm under pressure.
What if they had Olympic events for moms? I think it would go a little something like this:
Hello and welcome to the first ever Mom Olympics!
Thank you for your flexibility in changing the date 6 times due to an outbreak of chicken pox, then a lost dog and then a diaper emergency. We would also like to thank Debbie for holding the event in her back yard. Since her baby is napping, we will not be cheering today. Instead we will snap or do jazz hands. Seriously, no one wake up that baby or Debbie is going to lose it.
To prevent doping allegations we would like to limit each competitor’s coffee intake to 1 cup per day. No espresso. Any competitor in violation of this rule will be forced to plan the next school dance.
Rather than play for medals, we have opted to go in another direction. Due to popular demand, 3rd place will be a chocolate cake, 2nd place will be a bottle of wine and first place will be an uninterrupted nap AND a bottle of wine.
Here are the events for today:
The unassisted shopping trip: In this event a mom will be sent to do groceries with 3 children. The first mom to leave the store with everything on her list, as well as all of the children wins. To make it more interesting, we have given the children way too much sugar and told them there is a puppy hiding somewhere in the store.
The dinner preparation: In this event, moms will attempt to make dinner for a toddler, while a pre-schooler makes a fort around your feet. The toddler is extremely fussy today and will only eat things that are a very specific shade of blue. As an added challenge, the pre-schooler will not eat that shade of blue. The winner will make a dinner that both children will eat.
The two mom conversation: In this event, two moms will try to finish a 2 minute story while also watching their children. The first pair to finish the story wins. Please note that there will be a 2 hour time limit on this event. In the event of no finishers, this event will resume after bedtime, by which point no one will remember what they were talking about.
The obstacle course: In this event, 4 moms will race barefoot down a hallway filled with toys, while child screams, “MOM!” at the end of the course. The first one to get to the end of the hallway to distract the child wins. Points will be deducted for each toy that is stepped on, as well as for any swearing that occurs as a result of stepping on toys. Rachel is the front-runner in this event because we saw her go to the gym this week. What’s that? Oh, she just went in the store next to the gym. Close enough.
Mom Endurance: This event will test the patience of even the most seasoned competitor. The competitors will sit in a car with 4 children who will keep saying, “Are we there yet? I’m boooored,” The last mom remaining in the car wins. Points deducted for screaming, “NO. We’re going home!”
Finally, we have not forgotten about the aquatic sports. Our last event will be the synchronized baby bathing. In this event two moms will attempt to bathe their babies, while the babies attempt to crawl around, eat the wash cloths, splash and climb out of the tub. Points will be deducted for being wetter than the babies.
Good luck to all competitors. Remember to compete to the best of your ability, with good sportsmanship and that we have to be done by 6 because Debbie’s kid has a soccer game.