Mama, I want to talk to you. Pull up a chair. Sit down. Grab a cup of coffee if you like.

I’m feeling a little confused these days. How about you?

Some days I want to plop down on the floor like a toddler and throw a mini-tantrum. I’m over it. Can we be done with this already?

I don’t want to think about masks and hand sanitizer anymore.

I don’t want to wonder what school is going to look like for the kids this fall.

I don’t want to see the numbers rising.

I don’t want to have to decide if my kids can participate in their extracurricular activities or not.

I don’t want everything to be so political.

I’m tired. Tired of it all.

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Mama, I have entered a new season of grieving. A new season of longing. A new season of accepting.

This isn’t going away anytime soon. So how am I going to live with it? How do I weigh the risk versus the benefit when making choices?

As the numbers continue to go up and the war of the masks rages on, what about the elderly and the at-risk population? What about my children with asthma? My mom with COPD? My stepdad who has had a quintuple bypass? My father-in-law with stage four lung cancer? What about them? How do I make these choices? What about my child who wants to continue to perform in theater? What about returning to teach preschool? What about school opening in the fall? Do we accept the risk? Do we continue to stay at home? 

I don’t want to think about these things anymore.

But I do.

All of the time.

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Mama, do you feel this way? Do you understand what I’m saying?

Do you miss the old days and realize we never knew how good we had it? Do you miss going into restaurants and movies and amusement parks without thinking about how close you are standing next to someone, or if you have your mask and sanitizer on-hand? Do you think about the time before the pandemic and feel like it was a lifetime ago?

I do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for this time I’ve had with my family. For the extra time with my growing children and to have my husband at home. It’s been wonderful to be together. I see the blessing. I feel the blessing. I know the blessings are all around me.

But sometimes we need to acknowledge the hard.

And now with the fall approaching and the numbers rising, my anxiety is rising too.

I can’t imagine moving forward. And I can’t imagine staying put. I can’t imagine the kids going to school. And I can’t imagine them staying home. I can’t imagine saying no to extracurriculars. And I can’t imagine them participating in them.

I can’t imagine going back to the way things were. And I can’t imagine staying like this.

Mama, thanks for sitting with me. Thanks for listening. Maybe you’re in the same boat or maybe this doesn’t make an ounce of sense to you. But regardless of if our views are the same or different, the reality is we are all living in this time together. We are all dealing with a pandemic. 

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And even though we can’t imagine—God knows. 

Mama, let’s try to remember that. Let’s give Him our tired. Our confused. And our lonely.

Let’s give Him our hand. As we continue to baby step forward into the great unknown. 

P.S. In a time such as this, it has never been more important to put our faith in God. Trusting God Day by Day is a great reminder of His promises to us. Don’t have time to sit and read? Listen here, on Audible.

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