By Heather Spiva 
My teenage son changes his mind about everything around him. And it’s driving me crazy. My sweet 17-year-old son chooses one thing, only to change his mind about it a second, a minute, or a day later. And he does this all day, every day.
At first, I didn’t notice this trend—the swapping of his choices—until it was about things that were more expensive or more serious like careers and cars. And then I began to wonder about his mind. Was there something wrong with him?
“I think I want a Mustang,” he would say about the future car he wants even though the Honda Civic he has right now is perfect for him. Then he would change his mind just a few hours later, “Actually, I think I’m going to upgrade this Civic to a better one.” Then the next morning, “I’ve been researching old Datsun 240s. That’s the car I want.”
It’s not just that I have whiplash about his changing choices, it’s that I feel like he’s persuaded to change his mind based on what he’s researching or looking at. In this world of constant advertising bombarding us from every front, how will he ever make a good decision? Will he be this wishy-washy forever?
After watching him shape his decisions, and ultimately realizing my son is acting smart even if he changes his mind on nearly everything he wants, here’s why I’m not worried about it anymore.
Choosing makes him choosy. I’ve told my son when it comes to dating and any relationship, “Be selective.” I say this because not everyone they come in contact with will be a good fit for them even if they think they are. Does she have the traits you desire? What about her personality, is it a good fit for you? She may be pretty, but can she have a real conversation?
When it comes to choosing something big like a future girlfriend or even the right car, being choosy is smart. Being choosy means he’s looking for the specifics he wants, rather than the specifics he’s presented with. He’s making an educated decision about whether or not it would be a good fit. Choosy is smart.
Changing his mind means he hasn’t figured it all out (which is good.) Do I expect my 17-year-old to have it all figured out? I’m in my 40s, and I still don’t have things figured out. I change my mind because I know I can and because I’m an adult because changing my mind is part and parcel of adulthood. So, why would I impose the opposite on my kid, particularly a good kid with 30 fewer years of experience than me? I told myself to cut him some slack and relax. And I did.
If I want him to be a smart adult, he’s going to have to choose—and even choose wrongly—to learn how to choose better the next time. My son’s brain is still growing. He’s making decisions based on the small history he owns and educated research to a future decision. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “. . . the brain stops growing in size by early adolescence, the teen years are all about fine-tuning how the brain works. The brain finishes developing and maturing in the mid-to-late 20s.” That’s all I need to know. His brain is still working things out.
Changing his mind is his prerogative. This one’s difficult to work with because as a parent who’s been through lots of stuff, it always feels right to share my experiences. But, am I sharing them to help him or to force him to make decisions as I would? I want him to be himself. So despite my well-meaning advice, this means there will be times when he shouldn’t take my advice.
His life is very different than mine. His surroundings will dictate some choices, but so will his innate desires. What isn’t right for me might be right for him. That’s his prerogative.
For him to be the wise and well-rounded young man I want him to be, it requires letting him choose, letting him change his mind as often as he wants, and letting him do it without chastising him. Changing his mind means he’s figuring out how he fits into his surroundings.
Now, instead of being anxious about it, I’m proud of him. He’s questioning things and making choices based on research and desire, and in the end, all of it will help to equip him to be the best version of himself. It may still make me a little crazy, but if he’s becoming an adult who knows how to make good decisions, then mission accomplished.
by Sara Frank 
by Melissa Fenton 
