There’s So Much Pressure to Keep Up with the Joneses

It crept up on me slowly.

I’m not even sure when exactly it all started. Perhaps it was when I created my first social media accounts in my 20s. Or perhaps it was when I recently joined a school group chat with other moms. In both instances, the seed of comparison had a chance to take root, and the resulting feelings of inadequacy slowly began to emerge…

That feeling that I wasn’t doing enough for my kids and that my kids were missing out…

When some kids showed off brand-name shoes, my child was still sporting a pair from Walmart.

When some kids traveled overseas for vacation, we booked a week at the cottage.

When other parents bought their kids toys from the store, I reminded my kids they had plenty of toys and didn’t need to buy more stuff.

When a parent dropped off a hot lunch for their child at school, mine ate homemade sandwiches.

When a parent went all out for their kid’s birthday at a party place, I opted for a small party at home with their grandparents.

When my child asked for a phone because his friends all have them, but he was told he can get one when he has a job and can pay for it himself.

The list could go on.

This is not to say we don’t do some of these things for our kids. We do, and I often remind my kids of this when they start comparing. We just do it when we see fit and according to what works for our family.

My husband and I are old school. We both were raised by immigrant parents who worked hard to get where they are now. Eating out at restaurants was a luxury. Going to a theme park was a once-a-year summer event. Brand-name clothes and shoes? Didn’t happen. Travelling to a vacation destination overseas? How does a two-hour drive to a cottage on a lake sound instead?

But growing up, I don’t recall feeling like we were lacking in any way as compared to our friends. Jealousy? Sometimes. But lacking? Nope.

Fortunately, because that’s how my husband and I were both raised, we are raising our children similarly. (Although I’d argue our kids are a tad more spoiled than we ever were.) It’s made me realize how different we are from many other parents we know. And my kids, as they get older, are sensing this difference too.

I realize what I’m seeing and hearing from my kids is just a snapshot of other kids’ lives. It’s the carefully curated highlight reel; my kids believe the highlight reel is the only reel that exists.

And so, the pressure to ante up begins.

Sometimes the pressure comes from within—my own guilt for being the kind of parent I am. Other times, the pressure comes from my children, who vocalize their dissatisfaction. Often, it’s a combination of both.

I never subscribed to keeping up with the Joneses. But now that I have school-aged kids? I feel thrust into doing what the Jones’ do, especially if the Jones’ happen to be the parents of one of my kids’ friends.

I’m not sure how things will unfold in the years to come, and it’s a bit daunting. I know things will get harder as my kids hit the teenage years before they get easier. In the meantime, I remind my kids that every parent parents differently; that every family is different. I emphasize the importance of not comparing their life to their friends’. But perhaps, I also need a reminder—especially when I start to feel myself slip into the rabbit hole of comparison.

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Articles by Wendy C

Wendy C

Wendy C has been married over a decade to her husband. They have three children together. She has been published on Scary Mommy, The Globe & Mail,  and Filter Free Parents In her spare time, she creates custom cakes and cupcakes at Wendy’s Cake Shoppe.