In June of 2014, my husband and I had been married for 1 year. Our plan was to have a baby by our 2-year anniversary, so we decided it was time to start trying. We did and we got pregnant right away. It was such an amazing and crazy experience! I remember being a little nostalgic that we didn’t get to have the anticipation of trying for very long! I wasn’t really savvy on the whole tracking your cycles and knowing when you conceived thing, so I wasn’t certain if we were 4 weeks or 8 weeks pregnant. The Dr. saw us early on and sent the request for ultrasound.
We had our first ultrasound at 5 weeks.
The way our doctor worked at the time, was that we had to go to an imaging center for our ultrasound. Having an ultrasound away from the office means they can’t tell you what they are seeing. Nothing is worse than trying to read the reaction of the ultrasound tech and being completely fearful that something is wrong,
It turned out that I had a Subchorionic Hematoma.
Basically I had pocket of blood between my uterus and the placenta. It could just fade away or it could cause a miscarriage, only time would tell. I was told to take it easy for a while and we would do another ultrasound in a week.
I wanted to believe that everything would be okay, but I was terrified. Utterly terrified. Could this miracle be taken away from me? I always felt like I would never have a miscarriage. Call it naïve or ignorant, but I just felt like God didn’t have a miscarriage in my plan. After all, He wanted me to have babies!
A week of panicking went by and we had another ultrasound. This time, no hematoma, but they were unsure if the baby’s growth was tracking properly. Now we needed 2 weeks and come back again. I held on to hope. God got rid of the hematoma, now it was His job to grow this baby like crazy.
On August 28th, 2014, it was my husband’s birthday and we were scheduled for our next ultrasound. Somehow, I was at peace. I was overcome with a feeling that I cannot describe any better than being completely open to God’s will.
We had the best ultrasound technician that day, she was incredibly sweet and kind to us. But I knew, something wasn’t right. She left the room and went to call our doctor. We waited and cried, talking about how we would be okay if God decided this wasn’t the time for us. We would survive and we would try again someday.
When she came back, we were told that we should head home and the nurse would call us. We walked out to the car and I cried knowing what I was waiting for. Within minutes, we got the call.
There was no growth and this was now considered to not be a “viable pregnancy.”
With those words, my heart broke into pieces.
It’s hard not to head into a tailspin of thoughts. ‘Will I ever get pregnant again?’ ‘Was it something I did that caused the miscarriage?’ ‘Can I have wine now?’
Ha! Yes, I did call back and ask if I could have a glass of wine. I mean, if my dreams were coming crashing down on me, the least I could do was try to have some wine to relax, right?
The doctor called later that evening and talked with me. She explained that I did nothing wrong and what my options were.
That weekend I was headed to Seattle for my Grandfather’s funeral and then within 48 hours I would head to Kansas City to throw my best friends baby shower. There was no time for me to have a miscarriage. No time for me to sit at home and wallow.
I had what is called a “missed miscarriage.” That means that my body did not recognize that I was no longer sustaining life for the baby in my womb. Therefore, I had to make a decision as to what to do.
I decided to wait and see if my body would miscarry on its own, and we scheduled a D & C for the date of my return to California from Kansas City in the case that it didn’t.
Boy did I cry that weekend.
I cried when having to tell people of our loss. I cried when people innocently congratulated me on my pregnancy. I cried when it hit me like a stack of bricks in the quiet moments. I cried when my parents held me for the first time since hearing the news.
Shoot! It’s two years later and I’m crying while I tell you about it!
The worst tears I cried were after the D & C. I had been warned that there would be an emptiness after the procedure, but I did not comprehend what they were describing. How could I feel more empty than I already did?
But once I woke in the recovery room, I could not stop crying. My eyes weren’t even opened yet and I could not stop crying. I did feel empty. And not just emotionally, but I could literally feel the emptiness in my womb.
I will never forget that moment.
My husband and I were very open about our loss and shared it with many people, including our Facebook family. Our story was being used as a testimony for those going through the same situation or those feeling lost in the turmoil that was at their feet.
I am happy today that I can share with you the rain that poured so heavily on us, brought us the pot of gold we get to celebrate every day with!
Exactly one year, one month and 2 days after we had our last ultrasound with our first baby, our son Kaden Christopher was born. I call him our pot of gold because he is so much better than just a rainbow baby, he’s our treasure.
Exactly one year and one month after my D&C, we had an appointment at the same hospital where our first ultrasound was performed and I saw that ultrasound technician that was a blessing to us. I resisted running up to her and showing her my baby! I wanted to show her that we were truly blessed with a healthy baby boy!
And I am happy to say that 2 years and 6 days after that D & C, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby.
Today I am 7 weeks pregnant and we just had our first ultrasound. Healthy baby!
No matter what the outcome of this pregnancy, I know God has a plan so much better than anything I can imagine.
If you are reading this and need to know that there is hope, I promise that there is. Be open to it and trust that God’s plan is so much greater than ours could ever be.
Your blessings are coming, I promise!
“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”