So God Made a Mother is Here! 🎉


In June of 2014, my husband and I had been married for 1 year. Our plan was to have a baby by our 2-year anniversary, so we decided it was time to start trying. We did and we got pregnant right away. It was such an amazing and crazy experience! I remember being a little nostalgic that we didn’t get to have the anticipation of trying for very long! I wasn’t really savvy on the whole tracking your cycles and knowing when you conceived thing, so I wasn’t certain if we were 4 weeks or 8 weeks pregnant. The Dr. saw us early on and sent the request for ultrasound.

We had our first ultrasound at 5 weeks.

The way our doctor worked at the time, was that we had to go to an imaging center for our ultrasound. Having an ultrasound away from the office means they can’t tell you what they are seeing. Nothing is worse than trying to read the reaction of the ultrasound tech and being completely fearful that something is wrong,

It turned out that I had a Subchorionic Hematoma.

Basically I had pocket of blood between my uterus and the placenta. It could just fade away or it could cause a miscarriage, only time would tell. I was told to take it easy for a while and we would do another ultrasound in a week.

I wanted to believe that everything would be okay, but I was terrified. Utterly terrified. Could this miracle be taken away from me? I always felt like I would never have a miscarriage. Call it naïve or ignorant, but I just felt like God didn’t have a miscarriage in my plan. After all, He wanted me to have babies!

A week of panicking went by and we had another ultrasound. This time, no hematoma, but they were unsure if the baby’s growth was tracking properly. Now we needed 2 weeks and come back again. I held on to hope. God got rid of the hematoma, now it was His job to grow this baby like crazy.

On August 28th, 2014, it was my husband’s birthday and we were scheduled for our next ultrasound. Somehow, I was at peace. I was overcome with a feeling that I cannot describe any better than being completely open to God’s will.

We had the best ultrasound technician that day, she was incredibly sweet and kind to us. But I knew, something wasn’t right. She left the room and went to call our doctor. We waited and cried, talking about how we would be okay if God decided this wasn’t the time for us. We would survive and we would try again someday.

When she came back, we were told that we should head home and the nurse would call us. We walked out to the car and I cried knowing what I was waiting for. Within minutes, we got the call.

There was no growth and this was now considered to not be a “viable pregnancy.”

With those words, my heart broke into pieces.

It’s hard not to head into a tailspin of thoughts. ‘Will I ever get pregnant again?’ ‘Was it something I did that caused the miscarriage?’ ‘Can I have wine now?’

Ha! Yes, I did call back and ask if I could have a glass of wine. I mean, if my dreams were coming crashing down on me, the least I could do was try to have some wine to relax, right?

The doctor called later that evening and talked with me. She explained that I did nothing wrong and what my options were.

That weekend I was headed to Seattle for my Grandfather’s funeral and then within 48 hours I would head to Kansas City to throw my best friends baby shower. There was no time for me to have a miscarriage. No time for me to sit at home and wallow.

I had what is called a “missed miscarriage.” That means that my body did not recognize that I was no longer sustaining life for the baby in my womb. Therefore, I had to make a decision as to what to do.

I decided to wait and see if my body would miscarry on its own, and we scheduled a D & C for the date of my return to California from Kansas City in the case that it didn’t.

Boy did I cry that weekend.

I cried when having to tell people of our loss. I cried when people innocently congratulated me on my pregnancy. I cried when it hit me like a stack of bricks in the quiet moments. I cried when my parents held me for the first time since hearing the news.

Shoot! It’s two years later and I’m crying while I tell you about it!

The worst tears I cried were after the D & C. I had been warned that there would be an emptiness after the procedure, but I did not comprehend what they were describing. How could I feel more empty than I already did?

But once I woke in the recovery room, I could not stop crying. My eyes weren’t even opened yet and I could not stop crying. I did feel empty. And not just emotionally, but I could literally feel the emptiness in my womb.

I will never forget that moment.

My husband and I were very open about our loss and shared it with many people, including our Facebook family. Our story was being used as a testimony for those going through the same situation or those feeling lost in the turmoil that was at their feet.

I am happy today that I can share with you the rain that poured so heavily on us, brought us the pot of gold we get to celebrate every day with!

Exactly one year, one month and 2 days after we had our last ultrasound with our first baby, our son Kaden Christopher was born. I call him our pot of gold because he is so much better than just a rainbow baby, he’s our treasure.

Exactly one year and one month after my D&C, we had an appointment at the same hospital where our first ultrasound was performed and I saw that ultrasound technician that was a blessing to us. I resisted running up to her and showing her my baby! I wanted to show her that we were truly blessed with a healthy baby boy!

And I am happy to say that 2 years and 6 days after that D & C, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby.

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant and we just had our first ultrasound. Healthy baby!

 No matter what the outcome of this pregnancy, I know God has a plan so much better than anything I can imagine.

If you are reading this and need to know that there is hope, I promise that there is. Be open to it and trust that God’s plan is so much greater than ours could ever be.

 Your blessings are coming, I promise!

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Rebecca Spohr

Rebecca is a mother to a handsome 10-month-old boy and wife to her husband of 3 years. They live in Huntington Beach, California where they run two businesses out of there home, allowing them to spend lots of time with their son. Rebecca and her husband met in Olathe, Kansas and moved to California in 2006. They are still very attached to the midwest and travel to see family as much as possible.

My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born

In: Child Loss, Grief
My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born

My baby was stillborn, but still born. In a cool white hospital room where so many had been born before. My body trembled and shook as his body worked its way out of my womb and into the hands of a doctor. He was void of breath, of sound, of movement, but he was still born. My baby was stillborn, but still lived. In the darkness of my womb. The outline of his body was visible against the darkness of the screen, his presence undeniable. The sound of his heartbeat drowned out the sound of mine as I watched his...

Keep Reading

I Am Not My Child’s Death

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Faith, Grief
I Am Not My Child's Death

We are NOT what has happened to us or what this world says we are. That is not what defines us. While we are grieving parents, that is not what our whole story has to be about. Although, at times, we feel that our story is over. We ask, how do we go on and live full lives without our sweet Sophie with us? I’m still not 100 percent sure I know the answer to that. BUT the Lord says I am beloved. I am redeemed and accepted. I am holy and chosen. I am righteous and complete. I am...

Keep Reading

The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child

In: Child Loss, Grief, Motherhood
The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child

Within the first three months following the death of my newborn daughter, I participated in one baby shower, attended two first birthday parties, had multiple infants in and around my home, and watched not one, not two, but five of my closest friends take happy, healthy babies home from the hospital. And in the midst of my own life-altering experience, I purchased, wrapped, and mailed a gift to every one of those new babies, because they deserved one. In the days and months after my daughter died, I didn’t run away or hide from babies at all. And this seemed...

Keep Reading

6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss

In: Child Loss, Grief, Kids, Motherhood
6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss

Following the death of our infant daughter, I found myself facing an opportunity to activate the immense power of personal choice. Time and time again. Hour after hour, day after day. It felt as if every moment that passed provided me with a choice: to let the grief consume me, or not. In the midst of the most emotionally complex experience of my life, my ability to survive felt as simple as that. Will grief consume me, or not? Once I began believing that Olivia had lived out her life’s plan completely—that she had come, she had loved, she had...

Keep Reading

To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

In: Child Loss, Grief, Infertility, Motherhood
To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

You are walking the hardest path anyone will ever walk—living this life without your children. Your losses have come in many shapes and sizes. You’ve lost tiny heartbeats early in the womb. You’ve screamed and sobbed through labor to deliver a silent but perfect little bundle. You’ve held a fragile infant for hours, days, weeks, or months, only to give him back to Heaven. You’ve watched your little one grow into a curious toddler and then held her a final time as disease or an accident took her away. You’ve lived a full childhood with your baby and even watched...

Keep Reading

A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief, Miscarriage
A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

Dear Mama, I know you miss me and wish you could watch me grow up. But instead, you sit in that rocking chair, tears streaming down your face, arms wrapped around the blanket that was supposed to be mine. I see you crying, Mama, wishing you could hold me. Wishing you could look into my eyes. Wishing you could hear me cry or call you “Mama”. I want you to know Jesus rocks me to sleep every night and while He does it, He tells me all about you. I know tulips are your favorite flower and that every spring...

Keep Reading

God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief
God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

I used to be someone who said, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That was before I had faced any hardships in my life. I didn’t know who God truly is. When people are going through something hard and decide to share it, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s hard to watch others who are hurting, and it’s hard not knowing how to help when it’s someone you love. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is a very well-meaning encouragement that I know is meant in love. I’ve said it before! But it’s not really...

Keep Reading

Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters

In: Child Loss, Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters

“We should get a tattoo, Mom.” I laughed. I knew it was just my younger daughter, Sarah’s way of getting herself a tattoo—to go along with her nose ring, and six ear piercings. She didn’t really want me to get one. Did she? “Truth!” My oldest, more conservative daughter, Elle, chimed in. “We should all go.” What? Home from college just five minutes, maybe she was bored. I heard tattoos really hurt and she hates pain, like I do. I glared at my two daughters, now 17 and 19. They can read my mind. I knew it! There was something...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading