Thank You, My Baby, For Loving Your Imperfect Mama

I am so exhausted. I must pee 12 times a night. Nausea is finally gone. Every part of me hurts. Almost to my due date and I just can’t seem to find a comfortable way to exist.

But my baby doesn’t care.

In labor now for over 24 hours. I can not eat, can not sleep, and still everything hurts. My husband is standing by my side and being as supportive as he can be, although he can not even begin to fathom what one contraction feels like. I don’t know how much more of this I can endure.

But my baby doesn’t care.

Finally, home and settling in. Settling in? HA! Well, trying to. More exhausted than I believe I have ever been in my entire life, and yes, still everything hurts. I need just one hour of sleep and to give my body and mind a break. Please, just one hour is all I ask.

But my baby doesn’t care.

Three-hour intervals is my only sense of time now. Breastfeeding is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. Teary-eyed, I give you a pep talk that we can do this. You just need to latch, and I just need to endure the pain, but we can do this. After almost of hour of struggling and fighting, with tears now streaming down my face and yours, I beg you to work with me.

But my baby doesn’t care.

We finally have a good routine down. I have accepted that I am only recognized as food by everyone and have no sense of self any more. I maybe eat twice a day if I am lucky. I shower maybe twice a week and sometimes don’t get to brush my teeth until lunch time. I am proud to report nothing really hurts anymore, but I have met a whole new level of exhaustion I didn’t know existed. Lord, what I would do for 10 minutes alone in the bathroom and for a nap.

But my baby doesn’t care.

Things are just now getting good between us. You smile at me instead of crying and I do the same back to you. We enjoy our time together, but now my maternity leave is coming to an end. I try to snuggle with you every day as much as I can, play with you, and make sure you know who I am before I go back to work. I am dreading every day that passes knowing I am one more day closer to having to say “bye” to you as I walk out the door. I don’t know how I am going to deal with this new schedule.

But my baby doesn’t care.

Back at work full-time and things seem even harder now. I am missing time with you every day. You are learning new things and I should be there to witness it all. The house is in a constant state of disaster it seems, laundry is endless, and if I am lucky enough to get four straight hours of sleep, it is a beautiful thing. On top of this, I have a very bad cold and just need medicine and rest after a long day at the office.

But my baby doesn’t care.

Here we are at six months of your life. Holy moly, half a year! I am now completely obsessed with you and everything that you are. I have changed my priorities and standards. What was once so important to me no longer is. Spending time with you is all I care about. I am trying to stay on top of everything as best as I can, but this is proven to be an impossible task. I didn’t even realize you ran out of clean pajamas and now you have to sleep in a onesie with footed pants. Mom guilt has taken over. Have I failed you already? I feel like everyone else may judge me for this. Who am I kidding? I am judging myself for that.

But my baby doesn’t care.

It is a rare Saturday with no plans, so I want to stay in sweatpants, a t-shirt, forget about make up, and throw the hair up in a ponytail. I am not spending time getting all dolled up, cleaning, catching up on the to-do list I have put off for months, or even all my recorded TV shows, I am spending this lovely day with you. I feel guilty that I should be conquering my mountain of chores. What if someone stops by? Not only do I have a messy house, I have a bare, tired face, dirty hair, in my sweats, nails haven’t been done in months, and I think I put deodorant on, but can’t make any promises. Not to mention, I hope no one knows my last five meals have all been fast food and exercise is a foreign concept to me.

But my baby doesn’t care.

Today I look back at how far we have come, the things you have taught me—and you can’t even speak actual words yet. When I walk into the room and see your face light up with the world’s biggest smile, I could cry and laugh at the same time. You now know me as your Mommy, and besides Daddy, I am your favorite person. This is true unconditional love. I cherish every second I have with you, the good and the bad. These are all moments that are going to fly by and we will never get back. I promise to always be there for you and make sure you know that you are the most important thing in my life. This may mean that I sacrifice my looks, the housework, or having the best of the best of everything.

But my baby doesn’t care.

You may also like:

Dear Mama, This is Your Night Song

Dear Baby, You Were So Worth It

Dear New Mom, It Gets Easier

Want more stories of love, family and faith from the heart of every home, delivered straight to you? Sign up here!