I am a proud career woman, and have been since I graduated college many moons ago. I get up ready to tackle the day, I take great pride in my work, and I leave the office feeling accomplished and valuable.

But my life has changed radically, as it does for many women. I had a baby. He was beautiful and perfect, and he consumed my heart and my mind. Yet my hunger for professional success did not dissipate. Six weeks post-partum, I was ready to get back into the swing of things, ready to tackle the corporate world again.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love being a mom. I did, and I do. But as someone who had a professional career for more than a dozen years before entering this new terrain called parenting, I realized my career wasn’t something I wanted to give up because I was a mom. I wanted to do both.

So I did, and I went back into my marketing profession part-time, and things were great. I achieved the work-life balance we hear so much about. I felt satisfaction that I was accomplishing professional and personal achievements without feeling like one or the other was getting a raw deal. Sure, there were days when I felt like I left my heart at daycare. There were also days where I felt like my reduced hours had taken a toll on productivity. But for the most part, I was happy with finding a middle ground. Life was good.

Then, I got laid off. Suddenly, I was a full-time stay a home mom. No big deal, I thought. Many, many women are stay at home mothers. A lot of women choose this intentionally. I can be one of those people.

But it’s been a struggle for me, and I finally realized why.

In my career, I’m driven by measurements, analysis, and determining value add. My objectives and goals are lined up verbally and in writing. I’m accountable for achieving these goals. And in the end, I’m rewarded or penalized for meeting or failing to meet them. It’s fairly black and white. It’s strict, it’s unemotional, and it’s effective.

And then there’s parenting. There is nothing black and white about parenting. It’s 1,000 shades of grey, with splattered rainbow paint everywhere in between.

My husband came home from work the other day and asked me what I did all day. I hadn’t showered (I’m not sure I even brushed my hair), the house was a mess, and my son was on the floor screaming for his blocks. I told him I kept our son alive today. And it was true. That day I had changed four diapers. I had fed my son and myself three meals. We played some games, had a couple battle of the wills, and spilled everything everywhere. But seriously, what did we DO all day?

The day ended without my accountability tools, my measurements and analytics I had used so long to determine success. No one was tracking my effectiveness or performance. I had nothing to show for my day other than the fact everyone was still alive and healthy.

And this is why I struggle with being a stay at home mom. I’m not saying I need a performance evaluation each quarter, though I’ll admit I’ve considered it. But I find satisfaction in measuring success. I take pride in showing my value. I gain strength from being an indispensable asset to my team.

Right now, I am an indispensable asset to my son. And every day I take care of him and love him unconditionally. But we have good days and bad. Hell, with a toddler it’s more like good minutes and bad. One moment he’s giggling and babbling, the next he’s on the ground screaming bloody murder. During the tantrums and the hysteria, I often wonder about my job performance. Am I failing catastrophically, or am I navigating stormy seas like everyone else? Time will tell.

Because in parenting, our performance reviews won’t be truly evaluated for many years, so I can only hope I’ve set the right goals and I’m performing in the best way possible. Being a stay at home mom means having faith in my parenting skills, and hoping for the best in what the future holds. And while eventually I’ll probably find a new job to fulfill me professionally, this time at home with my son has taught me that parenting is one tough, beautiful, exhausting gig. So for now, my success will oftentimes be measured by just getting through the day, and performance reviews will be rewarded with kisses and cuddles. I can’t think of a better reward than that.

Photo credit: donnierayjones via Visual hunt / CC BY

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Celeste Yvonne

About Celeste Yvonne: Celeste is a popular blogger and personality who writes about all things parenting. Celeste openly speaks about her struggles with alcohol, and two years ago she announced her commitment to becoming a sober mom for the sake of her health and her family. Her piece about a playdate that went sideways when another mom started serving mimosas has reached over 14 million people. Celeste lives in Reno, Nevada with her husband and two boys ages 3 and 5. Follow Celeste at http://www.facebook.com/theultimatemomchallengehttp://www.instagram.com/andwhatamom or http://www.andwhatamom.com

Our Kids Need Us as Much as We Need Them

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy sitting on bench with dog nearby, color photo

During a moment of sadness last week, my lively and joyful toddler voluntarily sat with me on the couch, holding hands and snuggling for a good hour. This brought comfort and happiness to the situation. At that moment, I realized sometimes our kids need us, sometimes we need them, and sometimes we need each other at the same time. Kids need us. From the moment they enter the world, infants express their needs through tiny (or loud) cries. Toddlers need lots of cuddling as their brains try to comprehend black, white, and all the colors of the expanding world around...

Keep Reading

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

So God Made My Daughter a Wrestler

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young female wrestler wearing mouth guard and wrestling singlet

God made my girl a wrestler. Gosh, those are words I would never have thought I would say or be so insanely proud to share with you. But I am. I know with 100 percent certainty and overwhelming pride that God made my girl a wrestler. But it’s been a journey. Probably one that started in the spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with my first baby and having the 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I remember hearing the word “girl” and squealing. I was over the moon excited—all I could think about were hair bows and cute outfits. And so...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

You May Be a Big Brother, but You’ll Always Be My Baby

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother with young son, color photo

It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Back then, we were new parents, clueless but full of love—a love that words can hardly explain. I can vividly recall holding you in my arms, rocking you in the cutest nursery, and singing sweet lullabies, just like yesterday. I can picture those times when you were teeny-tiny, doing tummy time, and how proud I was of you for lifting your head. And oh, the happiness on your face when “Baby Shark” played over and over—that song always made you smile! We made sure to capture your growth...

Keep Reading

“It Looks and Tastes Like Candy.” Mom Shares Warning about THC Gummies All Parents Need to Hear

In: Kids, Living, Teen
Hand holding bottle of THC gummies

What Aimee Larsen first thought was a stomach bug turned out to be something much more terrifying for her young son. Her 9-year-old woke up one day last week seeming “lethargic, barely able to stand or speak,” his mom shared in a Facebook post. At first, she assumed he had a virus, but something about his behavior just didn’t seem right. She called an ambulance and asked her older sons if their brother might have gotten into something, like cough syrup or another over-the-counter medicine. Their answer? “Yeah, THC gummies.” THC gummies are an edible form of cannabis that contain...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter as You Grow into Yourself

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Girl in hat and dress-up clothes, color photo

My daughter, I watched you stand in front of the mirror, turning your body left and right. Your skirt was too big and your top on backward. Your bright blue eyeshadow reached your eyebrows and bold red blush went up to your ears. You didn’t care. I watched you marvel at your body, feeling completely at ease in your skin. You turned and admired yourself with pride. You don’t see imperfections. You don’t see things you are lacking. You see goodness. You see strength. RELATED: Daughter, When You Look in the Mirror, This is What I Hope You See I’m...

Keep Reading

My Child with Special Needs Made His Own Way in His Own Time

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding child's hand walking across street

I want to tell you the story of a little boy who came to live with me when he was three years old. Some of you may find this story familiar in your own life. Your little boy or girl may have grown inside you and shares your DNA or maybe they came into your life much older than three. This little boy, this special child, my precious gift has special needs. Just five short years ago, he was a bit mean and angry, he said few understandable words, and there was a lot about this world he didn’t understand. Unless...

Keep Reading

Organized Sports Aren’t Everything

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young girl with Alpaca, color photo

Today I watched my little girl walk an alpaca. His name is Captain. Captain is her favorite. He’s my favorite too. I met his owner on Instagram of all places. She thought I was in college; I thought she was a middle-aged woman. Turns out, she is in high school, and I am a middle-aged woman. This random meeting led to a blessing. We call it “llama lessons.” We take llama lessons every other week. It’s an hour away on the cutest hobby farm. Our “teacher” is Flora, who boards her llamas at the alpaca farm. She wants to teach...

Keep Reading