So God Made a Mother Collection ➔

Breastfeeding is killing me. My fastidious two year old clings on to my boob every chance she gets. Nursing on demand was great for her as a baby. She’s like a wolf now.

Nights are a killer. She nurses two-three times a night and once she’s latched, she stays there forever. I have to pry her off and say, “Mommy has to go to the bathroom” even if I don’t need to. If I’m lucky, I’ll get an uninterrupted four hour sleep. I teach and write part-time. It’s hard to stay functioning. At night, I crawl into bed on four. I thought those days of around the clock feedings would have ended by now. I thought I’d get my life back. I’d have my freedom again. Why is this still happening? 

The other night I yelled at my husband for not helping me enough through these nightly feedings.

“She isn’t a newborn anymore. Why does she need to nurse every two hours? This is absolutely insane!”

I wanted to cry. I loved breastfeeding in her first year. When she reached her second birthday, her cake was mine too – the reward for achieving such a milestone. The bond and connection we have is irreplaceable. But now, she’s become demanding, and still, I push on through sleepless nights praying to have the strength to tackle yet another challenging day.

Call me insane. Call me too willful. Why the heck do I continue? At what point do I start saying “no” to my child to save myself? Each time she nurses, I remind myself that my daughter is getting what I didn’t have: an unconditional, nurturing, emotionally connected mom. It is the comfort in this knowledge that fuels me to keep going during the most challenging of moments.

But tonight, I decided I had enough letting her chomp at my breast for forty minutes straight. I love her, and even if she’s a vulnerable two years old, I had to limit her time on the breast as a way to honor my needs. So I gently pulled her away from my breast and cried out to my husband to come take her. I needed to reclaim my own space at nights when I’m ready to break down.

As I expected, she cried incessantly for ten minutes straight and finally settled back into her cheery self. As I’m writing this, she’s happily babbling with her father. We’re both zonked and she’s now wired up. The fact that she’s not crying for my breast so she can suck for another forty five minutes is good news. But in just a few hours, she’ll be crying again in the middle of the night for my boob. And I’ll appear with what she wants because at the end of the day, I want to give the best of myself for her.

How many “nos” will it take to save myself each time she cries? Will I be strong enough to patiently pull each away and hand her over to her father so I can honor my own needs? Part of me feels that this “pull-push” will take more time than what I originally thought. It’s time to really breathe now. Since she’s still vulnerable, I guess I’m back in the “breastfeeding arena.” As much as I exclusively want to part from breastfeeding, I’ll put myself on the back burner just a little bit longer. As the old Yiddish saying goes, “This too shall pass.” And when it does, I’ll have my freedom back.

Dorit Sasson

Dorit Sasson writes and speaks for the voice of courage whether she's podcasting for "Giving Voice to Your Courage" or writing articles for The Huffington Post or The Writer. She also gives voice to the brand names of other authors and entrepreneurs. Her memoir, Accidental Soldier: A Memoir of Service and Sacrifice in the Israel Defense Forces, is the journey of courage and faith of how she volunteered for the Israel Defense Forces to change her life at age 19. Visit her at Giving Voice to Your Story: http://www.givingavoicetothevoicelessbook.com/ Find her memoir here: http://www.amazon.com/Accidental-Soldier-Service-Sacrifice-Defense/dp/1631520350/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

These Are the Sick Years

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mom kissing head of sick toddler

I’m still in the trenches of toddlerhood, and yet, I already know I will look back on my daughter’s preschool years with affection for what it is: sweet, fun, curious, and undeniably precious. What I won’t miss about this stage is that it’s germy. SO germy. The preschool years bring endless crud into our home. Crud that is heartbreaking when your beloved child’s body is working hard to fight it off, but that also works its way into other bodies. The adults in the home who have jobs and responsibilities, run the entire household and have just endured the emotional...

Keep Reading

I’m Giving My Kids the Summer Fun I Never Had

In: Kids, Motherhood
Two boys playing in the waves on the beach, color photo

I love that my kids hate school. Stay with me here . . . Yes, I absolutely love that year after year, my boys cannot wait to ditch school for summer break, that they endlessly bemoan the academic year and cannot wait for June.  I love it because it is normal. I love it because it means they enjoy being at home and implies that I make summers fun for them, or, rather, allow summers to be fun for them. I love it because I always dreaded summers when I was growing up. Dreaded them with knots in my stomach...

Keep Reading

Mothering One Day at a Time

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding daughter in matching shirts, color photo

As I sat with my growing belly, full of anticipation for the arrival of my firstborn, the possibilities were endless for this little girl. Maybe she would lean toward the arts and be a dancer, writer, or musician. Or maybe she would take after her great-granddad and become a scientist. And maybe one day she would be a mother too. Dreaming about the future was fun and exciting. But then she surprised us with an at-birth Down syndrome diagnosis. Special needs were never included in my dreaming sessions.    All of the sudden, my hopes and dreams for this new...

Keep Reading

Fall into the Arms of Jesus, Little One

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Child walking

I have three younger brothers, so I know how crazy and wild boys can be. Lots of falls, cuts, scrapes, bruises, broken bones, and even a couple of head stitches. My husband has two younger brothers. He’d always tell how they used to jump from the banister down two floors onto the glass coffee table. Why anyone would do that, I have no idea. Pure madness and chaos.  Right now, I have a little baby boy who’s only seven months, but I know he will probably be just as wild as his uncles and dad. But that doesn’t mean I’m...

Keep Reading

I Want My Boys To Become Men of Character

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young boys with arms around each other by water

I’m a single mama of two young boys. As a woman raising young boys, I’ve thought a lot about how I want them to act—as kids and adults. We joke around that I’m not raising farm animals, and we don’t live in a frat house. I’m trying to plant seeds now so they grow into men with positive character traits. They burp, fart, spray toothpaste on the sink and somehow miss the toilet often, but I’m trying to teach them life lessons about what it means to be great men and gentlemen.  Interactions with other men provide opportunities for us...

Keep Reading

I Know It’s Just Summer Camp but I Miss You Already

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Kids by campfire

You would’ve thought I was sending you off to college. The way I triple-checked to make sure you had everything you needed and reminded you about the little things like brushing your teeth and drinking plenty of water about a thousand times. You would’ve thought I was sending you to live on your own. The way I hugged you tight and had to fight back some tears. The way you paused before leaving just to smile at me. The way I kept thinking about that boyish grin all the way home. The way I kept thinking about how you’re looking...

Keep Reading

Until There Was a Boy

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother looking at son and smiling, color photo

I never believed in love at first sight . . . until there was a boy.  A boy who made my heart whole the first time he looked at me.  A boy who held my hand and touched my soul at the same time.  A boy who challenged me and helped me grow. A boy who showed me that, even on the worst days, the world is still a beautiful place.  RELATED: I Met a Boy and He Changed Everything A boy who reminded me how to laugh until tears ran down my cheeks. A boy who tested my patience...

Keep Reading

A Mother’s Heart Remembers These Sweet Moments Forever

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother and baby laughing

Motherhood gives you all the feelings. It’s hard not to be utterly thankful for and grieve the little things of your last baby, trying to take in all of the firsts and lasts. Every bin of clothes and baby gear packed up produces a tiny crack in a mother’s heart, breaking just a little bit more each time she says goodbye. It’s not that she needs those baby clothes, but it’s the memories each outfit held that are difficult for her to let go of. She does not want to forget those beautiful moments. When she looks at that bin...

Keep Reading

I Want You To Miss Your Childhood One Day Too

In: Kids, Living
Kids jumping off dock into lake

What I miss the most about childhood is owning my whole heart. Before I gave pieces of it away to others who weren’t always careful with it. And some, who never gave the pieces back. I miss my knowing. My absolute faith that my mother’s arms could fix just about everything and what her arms couldn’t, her cookies could. When my biggest grievance was not getting my way. I miss feeling whole, unblemished. Before words cut me. Before people had taken up space in my mind, created permanent movies that were ugly and still play on repeat at times. Before...

Keep Reading

No One Told Me It Was the Last Time You’d Be This Little

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young son playing in ocean

No one told me it would be the last time I rocked you to sleep. A cry in the night, the haze of a dimly lit room, our rocking chair worn brown. We were the only ones in a little world. No one told me it would be the last time I carried you on my hip. The way my body shifted—you changed my center of gravity. Your little arm hooked in mine, a gentle sway I never noticed I was doing. No one told me it would be the last time I pushed you on the bucket swing. Your...

Keep Reading

5 Secrets to the

BEST Summer Ever!

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Creating simple summer memories

with your kids that will  last a lifetime