By Ashli Brehm 
OHHHHHH… My two-year-old. The Littlest. The third and final born. He is really starting to show his two colors. No. That wasn’t a mistype. I refuse to call them his true colors because I can only reason to think he will EVENTUALLY grow out of this phase where we are all walking around the eggshells that seem to have collected around his small but sturdy frame.
The other night, as I attempted to have some mommy potty time, he and his brother barreled into the room, one following the other, and he proceeded to bite the living daylights out of his brother’s upper arm and then, of course, he started crying. I mean, he as in THE BITER. Of course, the bitten cried, too. But that, I couldn’t find fault in. But the Littlest. Cheesy Louisey, he is a beast.
And before you ask, yes we are having his speech evaluated. Yes, I know what toddlers are like. I do sometimes call him not nice names but not to his face or in front of him. No, I never hit him. Or bite him. Yes, he goes to time out. And no, I do not day drink. Though I often would like to.
Here are ten examples that prove my 2-year-old proves he’s more beastly than boy:
- He throws himself on the floor crying if you sing a song he doesn’t like. Especially the ABC’s.
- He hauls off and hits anyone in his way. Or anyone who is touching a toy that he has played with or wants to play with, within the next two weeks.
- He is perma-dirty. Like, you take him out of the bathtub and the dirt magically appears just like Tim Allen’s beard in the Santa Clause.
- He will kick you if you’re in his way. Even if you’re a dog.
- He bites. Geesh. I thought you only had to endure one biter as a parent. That theory has been blown.
- He will pour his water or snack bowl out if you upset him. Like, stare you down with his laser beam eyes while pouring it directly on the floor even though he is exceptionally proficient with a cup.
- He will screech an unGodly noise until he gets what he wants on his breakfast/lunch/dinner plate. And if you don’t give him what’s on yours, he’ll take a swing atcha.
- He will pitch a ridicu-fit from his car seat should you dare to open the sunroof or the windows. Until he wants them open. Then he will pitch a ridicu-fit until it’s done.
- He throws things like staplers and forks and markers at his brothers if they dare to cross him.
- He will absolutely knock down any and every creation jussssst as his brothers have completed it. And laugh about it.
So there you have it. If those aren’t beast-like behaviors, I don’t know what are. And while I know we’ll be out of this phase sooner than we know it, I think it’s fair to say, we won’t miss this when it’s gone. Even if it does provide a copious number of stories. And laughter.
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