Her first Christmas.

It’s going to look different (thank you, 2020). 

I know she won’t remember this but I will. 

2020 has taken so much from her first little year of life; I should be used to it all by now but I’m not. Not with this, at least, because it’s my favorite holiday. It’s my favorite time of the year and it’s robbing me of my first Christmas experience with my baby girl. 

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There won’t be that fear-stricken photo of her on Santa’s lap (with perhaps some tears rolling down her cheeks). 

There won’t be a parade of lights where she’ll struggle to stay awake and ends up falling asleep in the stroller. 

There won’t be that Christmas program for big brother where she’d be so distracted by the crowd, that she wouldn’t be able to pay attention to anything else besides the people.

There won’t be the Christmas church service where we all dress up and she falls asleep in my arms as the hymns play.  

There won’t be a house full of family and loved ones “oohing” and “aahing” at her cute little dress. They won’t get to see her tear open her gifts and only show interest in the wrapping paper and boxes as we try to keep it all out of her mouth.  

There won’t be family who have traveled from near and far we haven’t seen in a long time. Forget the ones we haven’t seen in a long time, there’s still family she’s never even met. Grandparents and aunts and uncles who have never even held her and she’s almost one. No, there will only be those she’s seen every day for her whole little life. 

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My 2020 baby’s life has been so unfair up to this point. She’s missed out on so much—or should I say, we’ve missed out on so much with her. I know I should be grateful that we’re all together and we’re healthy and I am, I really am. But it’s still so hard. 

No, her first Christmas won’t look the way it should look. It will be spent at home, like nearly every other day of her little life.

It will be different this year and I know she won’t remember any of it. And even though we will be stuck at home (and have been all year), it has been a home full of love, laughter, and memories. Christmas will not be any different and we will continue to make memories together. 

And that is what I’ll remember.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

PS – The light in the darkness has been you, my sweet 2020 baby.