Author’s note: I wrote this four years ago, when my son was almost two and my daughter was a newborn. This year, my son is almost six and my daughter is four, and despite the less-than-stellar experience outlined below, we’ve gone to the pumpkin patch every October. And every October, I ask myself: Why did I do this again? Anyway, see you at the pumpkin patch soon!
Welp. Just got back from a family trip to the old pumpkin patch.
It was…terrible. And honestly, I think I expected it to be terrible. We do these things as parents because we’re supposed to. We’re supposed to build traditions, take our kids to do activities, get out of the house, celebrate the seasons, maybe educate them a little bit. And then, as a secondary benefit, sometimes we have fun.
When we took my son to the pumpkin patch last year, it WAS fun. In retrospect, maybe that’s because he was 10 months old—too young to walk, too young to talk, too young to complain. We got to put him in a stroller and go for a nice little walk around Bob’s Farm & Corn Maze. With our son secured in his seat, we admired the pumpkins, walked through the corn maze, watched little kids go down the slide, bought some apple cider, and called it a day.
This year, our son can walk, he can talk, he can sort of complain, and we have something else to be responsible for: an 11-week-old baby.
So when I made plans yesterday to go to the pumpkin patch (not Bob’s this year, sadly), I felt apprehensive. I knew it would be a challenge to contain our son while also keeping his baby sister warm and safe and fed.
But…it’s October and it’s Saturday. Going to the pumpkin patch is The Law.
Here are my recommended steps for your Fun Fall Family Outing:
Step 1: Look up the particular pumpkin patch you’re heading to, just to make sure you don’t need to reserve tickets in advance. Make a mental note that the website says, “We expect crowds today. Be sure to pack your patience.”
Step 2: Turn to husband and tell him to pack his patience, and while he’s at it, pack the kids’ patience too.
Step 3: Spend a full hour getting the kids dressed and packing up the diaper bag.
Step 4: After five minutes of driving, realize it’s 44 degrees outside and you forgot the baby’s hat. Decide she’ll be fine because you don’t want to turn the car around. Spend a few minutes feeling like terrible parents.
Step 5: Mom and Dad get into a fight over directions. (Mom was right.) (Says Mom.)
Step 6: Enter the parking lot three minutes after the patch opens. You’re directed to the extra parking lot because the main lot is full. Already. Make a mental note to get to the patch BEFORE it opens next year. (JK next year Grandma and Grandpa can take them.)
Step 7: Venture into the open field that’s dotted with hundreds, maybe thousands, of orange, green, and white pumpkins. Toddler doesn’t care. He wants Mom to carry him while he points out all the cars in the parking lot because cars are cool and pumpkins are not.
Step 8: While husband loads up a few pumpkins to bring home and toddler continues to Not Care about them, the kid in the next group over trips and falls. As he screams and cries, you feel momentarily good because your toddler is not currently screaming and crying. The other mom makes eye contact and says, “Well, this is fun.” Then she directs her attention to the kid and says, “If you’re upset, we can go home right now. We don’t need to be here.” See her face fall when toddler says he would like to stay.
Step 9: Baby starts to cry in the front pack. Husband takes her to the car for feeding time.
Step 10: Even though you’ve only been there for approximately seven minutes, ask toddler if he’s ready to leave. He decides he actually DOES care about the pumpkins and says: “NO! STAY! WALK!”
Step 11: After walking through the patch for 30 seconds, toddler decides he wants to be carried.
Step 12: After being carried for about 20 seconds, toddler decides he wants to walk.
Step 13: Repeat steps 11 and 12.
Step 14: Walk to the gift shop, which is the one place moms actually want to go because we like to buy those speckled mugs with the name of the farm on them. Yes, moms are basic.
Step 15: They don’t have any mugs.
Step 16: Walk back to the car. Toddler refuses to get in because NOW he’s obsessed with the pumpkins.
Step 17: Let toddler have another round running around the pumpkin patch. After all, he’s enjoying himself, and that’s what you’re here for.
Step 18: After about 15 minutes, it’s time to go. Toddler, of course, refuses to leave, so Mom carries him, kicking and screaming, to the car.
Step 19: Strap toddler into the car seat, kicking and screaming. (Him and/or you.)
Step 20: Look at the clock. It’s 10:50 a.m.
Step 21: Sit in the back seat between the two kids while husband drives home, freeze half to death because toddler insists on having the “minnow” open and what he wants, he gets. Pull into driveway and realize there’s still an hour until nap time. Then realize you didn’t take one photo, so what even was the point of going to the pumpkin patch.
by Karen Johnson 
by Nicole Burke 
by Scarlett Longstreet 
