Ah, fall. Time to drag out our favorite sweaters and scarves that we tucked in the back of our closets all summer. Tis the season of powering up the Crock-Pot and making all the chili and soup recipes we’ve been pinning since May. And, of course, September and October are the months of mandatory fall family fun—in the form of paying obscene amounts of money to trudge through muddy fields and hand-pick apples and pumpkins, rather than simply buying them at the store. (Because hello! Memories! Family pictures for Instagram! Matching flannels!)

And, as usual, our fave SNL actors have given us a hilarious skit all about the “joys” of apple picking, complete with relatable truths like the fact that you might have to use a tank of gas to get to an orchard like “Chickham’s Apple Farm”, you will be attacked by bees, and you will spend “$45 for $10 worth of apples”. 

But that’s the price you pay for fall family fun! #worthit

The gut-busting duo Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant, who portray Deborah Chickham and her nameless sister, also introduce “Hank”—the overall/flannel-wearing farmhand who will charge you money to pet goats and ride donkeys. (You’ll of course pay the ridiculous fee and take pictures of your kids on the donkey, because that’s what parents do.) Trusty old Hank will also take you to the one tree on the farm that actually produces apples, and he’ll inform you that you “just missed” the window of time that the apples are best (no matter when you visit).

Even the actors themselves can’t stop laughing with this all too real description of what it’s like to visit an orchard, pick apples, and see the petting zoo (which is really just “animals they found and put in prison”). 

And don’t forget that apples aren’t the only crop grown here! (Except yes, they are.) “We’ve got peaches in theory, cherries in theory, and strawberries in theory,” Deborah Chickham herself tells us. Because we all know that when we get there, there won’t be more than a few apples left on trees, A LOT of apples on the ground, and . . . well . . . really nothing else.

Except there are also cider donuts! Sure, these sugary treats may or may not be “donuts, but from yesterday”—whatever. Your kids would eat them if they were from yesterYEAR, so it doesn’t matter. Here’s $20 more dollars, Chickham sisters.

Other jokes include references to phallic-shaped gourds, the fact that Deborah Chickham’s hair naturally braids itself now, and all the Halloween festivities you can enjoy (check two items off your fall family bucket list!) with the help of inappropriate teenagers who dress up to terrorize your children on haunted hayrides.

Yay!

“So come, cosplay outdoorsy-ness with us,” the Chickhams encourage.

(Or just go the store to save money, hours of your life, and your boots from getting permanently crusted with mud.)

As for our family, we’re headed out for apple, pumpkin, gourd, and whatever else we find—picking this weekend, rain or shine! Fall family fun! Everyone wear a vest! Mom wants a picture! Smile pretty, and she’ll get you a caramel apple that you’ll then drop on the ground and cry about before telling her you have to poop when you’re a 15-minute hike from the porta-potty!

So fill up the gas tank, fam, and grab a scarf even if it’s 75 degrees. It’s time to pick some fruit.

Karen Johnson

Karen Johnson is a free-lance writer who is known on social media as The 21st Century SAHM. She is assistant editor at Sammiches and Psych Meds, writes for sites such as Scary Mommy and Her View From Home, and has work featured in several anthologies. Follow Karen on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/21stcenturysahm/, Twitter https://twitter.com/21stcenturysahm , and Instagram https://www.instagram.com/the21stcenturysahm/