It is not often talked about. I completely understand why, but when going through something so heartbreaking and devastating, women shouldn’t have to suffer alone or in silence. If you’ve gone through it, you probably already know what I’m referring to – miscarriage.
It is the reason many couples don’t tell people they are expecting until after the first trimester. It is so unfortunately common that one in four women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. According to the National Institutes of Health, 15-20 percent of pregnancies will end in miscarriage, and it is the most common pregnancy complication in the United States.
Because no one talks about miscarriages, when faced with that possibility, a woman could feel so alone and unsure of what is to come. Because no one talks about it, I wanted to share, not only for the therapeutic relief it offers me, but more importantly for the women who need to know there is someone else standing with them in their corner of grief and worry. As I went through my own thoughts, I realized this could be applied to any loss, grief, or trauma you may have experienced. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a miscarriage. When you are feeling so alone in your suffering, please know that you are truly not. People, whether they are going through similar things or not, are praying for you. I am praying for you.
So, let’s talk about what no one talks about.
No one talks about the running of errands, and when someone innocently asks how your day is going, all you can think about is the baby and placenta your body is expelling from your body with no end in sight, but you just say “Fine.”
No one talks about the uterine contractions you will experience. If you’ve gone through labor before, you will have a deep sorrow knowing what could have been.
No one talks about the extreme grief you have, but because no one knows the situation, you must “fake it” and not outwardly show grief unless in private. You also don’t want to share with anyone because you don’t want to have to talk about it, and you really don’t want extra sympathy or pity. At the same time, you want the pregnancy to be acknowledged and the baby to be remembered, even if it is only you and your husband who will do that.
No one talks about the utter relief and thankfulness you will feel at not letting your other children know a new little one would be joining the family, despite that initial pregnancy excitement when you and your husband wanted to tell all that you love the most. That would have added an element to your story that you also weren’t prepared for.
No one talks about the late nights spent researching and trying to uncover ways that it just might not be a miscarriage, and the constant prayers and holding on to hope that it’s just a “fluke” bleeding.
No one talks about how in your relentless Google searching, you end up with endless what ifs and whys. Your thoughts often go to how you could have prevented this or how you could save the baby. You will look up causes and reasons to explain what is happening, as most miscarriages are caused by problems with the chromosomes of the fetus. Yet most of the time, we will never know the true reason.
No one talks about the rapid onset of pregnancy symptoms just disappearing or the accelerated weight loss that may occur when dealing with both a rapid decline of pregnancy hormones and a sudden onset of anxiety and grief. When people comment on it, you may experience shame and disappointment for what you actually lost.
No one talks about what it feels like or what it will look like when the baby leaves your body. It is disbelief, shock, and immense grief. Silent tears and unrelenting grief are the new norms.
No one talks about the most precious dates that you will forever have in your mind and heart—the day you found out, the day your baby left your body, and the due date that would never come.
No one talks about it, but I hope this helps someone going through or who has gone through the same thing. I can only hope to offer some relief in knowing you don’t have to suffer alone. For the women who experience this and infertility, my heart is forever with you. I will continue to pray for you and anyone who experiences loss. We are not alone, and my prayers are with you always.
by Marissa Khosh 
