Fall brings many changes, our surroundings, the temperature changes, schedules change, and sometimes our moods change. Change can be good for some and for others it can be a struggle. In my case, change was bad and good. Bad because our son’s accident was August of 2013 and it was a very hard change and still is. Good because it grew my faith and I learned to lean on God, my family and friends.
I feel pretty good on some fall days and enjoy them, but others I feel like I am bobbing just above the water. Those are the days that I look at his picture and think it’s a dream.
He would have been a junior.
I am reminded of what the other juniors are doing and wonder what he would be up to. I look at the other moms who are getting ready for homecoming or talking about prom or even sports stuff. It’s those moments that make it real. Yes, Tyler is gone. He will not be going to homecoming. I will not see him dressed up for prom or playing in any sporting events. Those times make me sad, I miss him, but I also get mad. I have looked forward to these fun high school years for each of my kids. But, in a split second my life is forever changed because someone was not being careful driving.
Was it intentional? No. Was it an accident? Yes. Is it fair? Absolutely not!
But many times God’s plans are not fair. It’s OK to be sad and mad. It is all part of the grieving process and greater plan. I would like to tell people it gets easier, but for me I think it has gotten harder. Why? I don’t know? Maybe it’s how I deal with grief. I do know the tears still come out of the blue. It could be a song or I might have looked at his picture and saw those pretty blue eye, the unforgettable smile or was reminded of his laugh. I have always looked at the positive and since his accident I make that my mission. Always find the good in any situation. Sometimes it’s easier than others, but more importantly find it!
I have also been working on not being overly scheduled. So set on my schedule, that I don’t see the changes that God puts in my path daily. I use to get so upset when I had to change my schedule more than once, because I thought it messed up my day. Now I have learned that I’m not in control of my life.
I actually enjoy a change in plans, because it usually works out even better. I feel more at peace, calmer and actually feel like I’m doing what God has planned for me to do. Crazy I know. But you really need to try it. Don’t stress about it, just go with it. No matter what plan you end with at the end of the day, just know you enjoyed it and that you lived that day to its fullest. No worries.
Change will come every fall no matter if I am ready for it or not. I’ve learned to welcome change into my life knowing God is the one who caused it. I am thankful and grateful to the changes God has given me. I still do not understand, but I will just trust in his plan. It reminds me of this scripture:
“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16