When Tom and I were going through the adoption process with our oldest kiddo (the other three came the old fashioned way), we received many unintentionally hurtful comments. Now our daughter is a young adult and we rarely hear insensitive remarks about her adoption. But – these 5 comments are still being verbalized to most newly adoptive families.

If you have a friend or family member who is adopting a child, avoid saying these 5 things:

  1. You know …as soon as you adopt you will get pregnant. 

The goal of adoption is to get a child, not to get pregnant with another. This comment discounts the anticipated arrival of the adoptee.

  1. What do you know about her real mom? 

Real mom? Don’t reduce the adoptive parent’s role to less than real. And regarding the sought after information– that belongs to the child. This falls into the NOYB category. (None of your business)

  1.  You got your child the easy way. No labor.

There is nothing easy about adoption. It has a labor all its own; a sea of paperwork, meetings, waiting, approvals, etc. The beautiful thing is mom and dad do the adoption labor together.

  1. I hope your child knows how lucky she is to be in your family. 

Most adoptive parents feel as if they are the ones who are blessed to have the child. What child feels beholden to his parents for his birth or his adoption?

  1. How much did your child cost? Was adoption cheaper than in vitro-fertilization? 

Again, NOYB.

One bonus thought: My personal pet peeve is the never funny but often told adoption joke. You know the one, “You are so_______(fill in the blank)  you must be adopted.” This isn’t funny. It’s mean spirited and gives the message, if  a person is  adopted he or she really doesn’t “officially” belong.

The path that leads to adoption typically contains some heart ache for the child, the birth parent, and/or the adoptive parent. What an adoptive parent would love from friends and family is support, understanding, and encouragement for themselves and their child.

What would you add to the list?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.
In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ,
 in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace,
which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
Ephesians 1:3-6

Lori Wildenberg
 Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of three parenting books. Contact Lori for your next speaking engagement.If you found this post helpful check out Lori’s co-authored books:

Raising Little Kids with Big Love ( toddler to 9) 

and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  ( tween to young adult).

Photo credit: howardignatius via VisualHunt / CC BY-NC-ND

Lori Wildenberg

Lori  Wildenberg, is passionate about helping families build connections that last a lifetime. She meets parents where they are with her warmth, transparency, humor, and straight-forward, faith-filled approach. Lori is an author, licensed parent-family educator, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting ministry, lead mentor mom with the Moms Together Facebook Community, national speaker, and parent coach. Her 5th parenting book Messy Parenting: Powerful and Practical Ways to Strengthen Family Connections (New Hope Publishers) will be released in August 2018 and is available for preorder over at Amazon. The Wildenberg home is nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. A perfect day in Lori’s world is a hike with her Tom (her hubby), five kids (four plus a daughter-in-love), and Murphy– the family labradoodle! For more information or to connect with Lori go to www.loriwildenberg.com