Dear Baby, I Already Love You

Dear baby I haven’t met yet:

They told me not to fall in love with you too quickly.
They told me to wait.
To wait until . . . 

Until I saw a heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.
Until I reached the second trimester.
Until I knew baby was healthy.
Until baby was in my arms.

When it comes to pregnancy, everyone says not to fall too hard, too fast, too soon.
To wait just a little longer.

But sweet baby, I just can’t help it.

Because you’re as real to me in the womb as you will be outside of the womb.

Because you’re as real to me if you make it to four weeks, or if you make it to 40 weeks and in my arms.

Because I don’t think my love for you should be quantified by the number of days you’re alive.

Because my little secret about you is I’ve always loved you.

I’ve loved you for the 13 months we tried and failed waiting for you.

During the wait, I loved you in my dreams.

I’ve loved you with the intensity of losing my breath and my words when I saw two pink lines on that pregnancy test.

I’ve loved you with tears streaming down my face when we saw that little flicker of a heartbeat on the ultrasound screen for the first time.

I’ve loved you with a worry only mamas can understand while I care for you in my womb.

I’ve let myself open my heart to you since before I knew you were alive within my body.

I’ve loved that little microscopic baby growing and sticking to my body in the same way my love will always stick to you.

So, when the outside world says to wait.
To protect myself from the pain of the unknown.
I’m saying something a little different.

I’m beating to a different drum.
I won’t guard myself from you.
I’m not going to protect and hide away my heart from you.

Instead, I’ll love you with my whole heart.
Because no matter what happens, I’ll always be your mama.

I’m borrowing you from God.

So, for however long you’re here.
I’ll love you with my whole heart.
I’ll let myself fall hard.

If I have an easy pregnancy or one full of complications.
I’ll love you with my whole heart.
I’ll let myself fall hard.

If you’re born healthy or born with so many challenges.
I’ll love you with my whole heart.
I’ll let myself fall hard.

You are entrusted to me.
Entrusted to me to love you.

No matter what.

I’ve loved you in the past and I’ll love you in the future.
And nothing will ever change that, my sweet baby.

Love,
Your mama

This post originally appeared on Messy Footprints

 

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