Dear Mommy,

Thank you for choosing me. 

I wish I could help you feel better. To be honest, I really have no idea what’s going on. 

All I know is somebody called a “doctor” told you I might be sick. Really sick. He said when you meet me, I might not be the baby you were hoping for. He told you I might not live. I don’t really know what living means, but I heard you tell him you will wait and see, and that you will love me in whatever condition I arrive. 

Thank you for choosing me.

Mommy, I felt you crying on the bathroom floor tonight. Sometimes, it’s hard to know when you’re laughing or when you’re crying, because your body shakes all the same. Tonight, I knew you were crying because I couldn’t hear any laughter. I didn’t hear Daddy telling you jokes. So I knew you were all alone. Mommy, I’m so sorry if you were crying about me. I don’t want to make you cry. Ever. Sometimes, when your heart aches, I can feel it in here, too. 

Thank you for choosing me.

Today, I felt so funny when the sonographer prodded me with that slimy machine thing. It’s tickly, mommy, so I squirmed and squiggled and tried to get away. I’m sorry it made it hard to see what I look like. I’m sorry I made it difficult for you. I promise you I am fine in here, mommy. You are doing such a great job at taking care of me and I wish I could tell you that. I really, really wish I could.

Mommy, I can’t wait to meet you. My whole life I have grown inside of you and you are the best home I could ever have hoped for. I feel your hand rubbing your belly every day, comforting me as I rest within. It’s so calming, mommy, and I can’t wait to meet you face to face. I wonder if I will look like you? Or Daddy? Or Nana? Or someone else altogether? What do you look like, Mommy? All I know is you are the loveliest and gentlest and most perfect person and I can’t believe God chose you to be my mommy.

Thank you for choosing me.

Mommy, are you there? I’m so sorry. Again. I heard you sobbing today. Your heart was beating faster and I could feel it in the womb. It felt so heavy in here and I could tell you were sad. I tried my best to not bother you with my acrobatics. I lay still so I wouldn’t cause much trouble. Mommy, I wish you didn’t have to worry about me in here. I wish I could tell you that I am fine. I’m growing so big now! Please don’t be sad. I’ll do my very best to be fine and healthy and all the things that some people say I won’t be. I promise, Mommy.

Mommy, I heard you talking to your friends today, You sounded so happy so I was so happy, too! I kicked and waved my arms in delight and I felt your heart swell as you let your friends touch your belly. Mommy, I hope they love me, too. I hope that even if I am different like the doctor says I might be, that people will still love me.

Thank you for choosing me. 

I know I don’t understand anything about the big, scary world you and Daddy live in, but I have heard your conversations on the phone with Nana. I heard you say not everyone thinks I should arrive in your arms. Mommy, I want nothing more than to hug you. I don’t really understand what those people are talking about, but Mommy, I heard you say you choose me. That makes me so happy. After all these months, my biggest comfort is your voice and your heartbeat and your touch, so mommy, I trust everything you say.

Mommy, thank you for choosing me. I can’t wait for the day when we can see each other face to face. When the safety of the womb leads me to the safety of your arms.

Mommy, forever and always.

Thank you for choosing me.

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I Will Always Love You Anyway

I Pinky Promise to Love You Forever, Sweet Child

Dear Mama, Your Heart Will Always Be My Home

Sina Steele

Sina is a wife and mama from beautiful New Zealand. She loves writing about faith and motherhood over at Her Mustard Faith, as well as working on her graphic design business, Ava Design.