When my husband decided to end our marriage, many of my choices, desires, and dreams were taken away from me. Just ripped out of my hands and tossed aside. I felt as though they didn’t matter. Nothing about the end of our marriage was my choice. He wants to move out right away, sell the house, get a divorce. Okay. Well check, check, check. Those first few weeks, all I could think of was how unfair this all is. Where are my choices? When do I get to voice how I feel? Doesn’t what I want and need matter? I was so overwhelmed with all of these tumultuous feelings; I began to sink.
The thoughts and opinions of others began to become my own. The outcome of a typical separation and divorce was going to be me. Bitterness. Anger. Negativity. Self-doubt. Shame. Embarrassment. Most people assume that with a divorce comes cheating, hatred, selfishness, and screwing each other over money and visitation rights. Our situation is not that. I am so tired of having to explain. I feel like a broken record. Maybe I will turn out that way. Everyone says so.
Yet, this isn’t me. This isn’t what I want. I want grace and peace in my life. I want God’s light to fill me up. I do not want to live in anger. It won’t bring my husband back. It won’t fix my marriage. Plus, it takes too much energy to be angry and bitter. With much prayer, God has shown me that I have many choices. My wants and desires DO matter. And they matter to Him. I choose to be kind and amical with my husband. I choose to be better than my situation. I want my divorce not the typical one. I want my children to know love and kindness. I want them to learn that from me. I love my husband. I love him enough to forgive him. I don’t hate him, even though he has broken my heart. I will care for him the rest of my life and I constantly pray for him to feel the same peace in his life.
What I want is love, peace, and kindness. Grace. Forgiveness. I never realized how important these choices were to me, until my whole world fell apart. Yes, I still get mad, angry, and frustrated at my husband and my situation. But when I stop and listen to my heart, I do get to choose. And I am choosing to live my life how I want to. Because in the end, I have to live with my words and actions. I have to show my sons the way God wants us to live. I want them to look at me and be proud. And to be moved to live the same way.