Lately, I’ve been in a funk. Honestly, it’s been since Mother’s Day. You see, this was the second Mother’s Day I celebrated with one fewer child. It’s been almost two years since my precious little man was unexpectedly and tragically called home. Oh, how I missed the joy of having him proudly bestow an armful of homemade gifts.
Since that day, I’ve felt like a dark cloud has been hovering over me. Not really caring about anything, I’ve been almost apathetic to life.
When I feel like this, I usually do my best to lean into Jesus. Not this time. For some reason, instead of leaning into my Heavenly Father, I’ve been running from him. It’s almost been as though I’ve been avoiding Him, trying to stuff my grief and push through it alone.
Recognizing my behavior and trying to be real with myself, I question my heart. “Why are you running from the One who knows your heart so well? The One who can provide for your every need . . . the One who loves you and knows you better than you know yourself?”
Trying to be honest with myself, I confess that when I lean into Him, with a raw and real heart, there’s no choice but to be vulnerable. When I come to Him, I can’t hold it in. Which means, when I come to Him, I feel all the feels. And frankly, I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of the hurt and sometimes, I don’t want to feel all of the feels.
Except . . .
When I allow myself to be vulnerable and feel, Jesus begins to mend the broken pieces of my heart.
Reluctantly, I opened my Bible looking for comfort. Honestly, I didn’t really want to open it, but I knew I needed to. Then, I came to this verse:
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead… -Philippians 3:13
“Well isn’t this just peachy? I was looking for comfort, Lord, and you tell me to forget what is behind me. I don’t want to forget what is behind me. I love what is behind me. My baby is behind me. I cherish and I desperately want was is behind me.”
Has that ever happened to you? You pick up the Bible, looking for comfort and feel like you were smacked in the face instead.
Perhaps, I shouldn’t be surprised. The Bible is so much more than a self-help book. It’s God’s living word, designed to change us and challenge us, teaching us how to love and to receive His love. The Word of God serves as a mirror to our souls, revealing areas of our hearts crying out for change.
After reading that verse, I wanted to close my Bible and just go on with my day. Instead, I paused and read it again.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead…
“Jesus, I don’t want to forget what is behind. My sweet boy is behind me. I love what is behind me . . .” I whisper through tears.
With tender compassion, I felt His quiet voice speak directly to my heart. “Summer, he is not behind you. He is AHEAD of you.”
I read the verse again, this time choosing to see it from the fresh perspective He had just revealed. I’m so glad I gave it another go. With a raw heart and simple prayer, the Lord spoke to the broken pieces of my heart. And He wants to do the same for you.
Friends, feel all the feels. Be genuine before Him. He wants to speak directly to the broken pieces of your heart. Get in His word. And if you don’t want to, that’s OK; trust me and do it anyway.