Most people I know are starting to get really excited. There is a lot of chatter about the future. About things getting back to normal and about how much they long for it.

Restrictions are going to be easing, vaccines and testing kits are being rolled out meaning that maybe, just maybe, we may see our lives going back to how they used to be in the not too distant future.

And I feel nervous.

Even though I don’t like the restrictions on my life in lots of ways, I haven’t hated the new and relaxed pace of life we’ve found ourselves in over the last 12 months.

I’ve missed seeing family and friends, but I’ve not missed the busy schedule we used to follow just living our normal lives.

In many ways, I have been more at ease, and I’ve grown attached to it.

I don’t feel as excited as I think I should be about moving forward.

Don’t get me wrong, I am longing for hugs. I can’t wait to be in close contact with my extended family again without social distancing and the need for hand sanitizer every five minutes. But to think about the way we’re going to be rushing around again, possibly by the end of this year fills me with dread.

It’s hard not being able to go places when we want to, but it’s been lovely living life on our timetable and ours alone.

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It’s difficult missing birthdays and celebrations because of lockdown, but it’s nice not having to worry about taxis and sore feet at the end of the night.

I think I’m a bit of a homebody, and I’ve loved having my little tribe all to myself. 

On occasion, we have gotten dressed up and celebrated birthdays and even included others with Zoom calls, but there wasn’t any pressure to save up extra money for eating out or finding the right balance between stylish yet weatherproof. And we haven’t had to even think about finding a babysitter.

I sometimes do miss nights out—dancing, eating out with friends, and socializing—but part of doing it all again after such a long, cozy break makes me a little anxious.

I think, truthfully, it’s just a case of making the most of a bad situation in such lovely ways we ended up loving the time spent on our own. That’s not to say we haven’t missed everybody, of course, we have, but there hasn’t been any pressure or timeframes apart from our own.

And my old social anxiety is coming back into play.

I know this won’t be a very popular opinion. I know people who have hated lockdown. Even those who have really struggled and been affected by it in negative ways. I get that, I really do. And there are lots of things I’ll be glad to see happening again.

It isn’t that I want to stay living like this at all. It’s just I’ve gotten used to just being us. When I think of busyness or deadlines, slight panic sets in. I’ll have to be available to the world again when sometimes all I want to do is hide from it. 

But times change and things move on.

We were anxious about everything in the beginning, and we got through it fine. I’m sure we’ll also be fine as things shift again.

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Soon, we’ll find ourselves mixing with others and celebrating together, which will be great. But I think we’re going to take things just a little bit slower than we used to. We don’t always have to say yes or get involved. Being at home together isn’t at all bad, in fact, we love it. 

So while we’re thankful we’ll be able to go out again soon, we’re also going to keep our pace of life as relaxed as we can. We’ll find a balance and re-enter the world slowly. 

I can also see more get-togethers happening at home than actual nights out in the future. Then again, maybe that’s just my age.